


Drowning in Tears

by FinalEclipse_284



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Angst, Boys Kissing, Bullying, Complicated Relationships, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Major Original Character(s), Memories, Minor Original Character(s), Multi, Multiracial Character, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Older Brothers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2018-10-02 07:18:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 63,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10212377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinalEclipse_284/pseuds/FinalEclipse_284
Summary: Benjamin was able to move on, to start a new life . . . or at least that's what he thought. When things start getting better, when Benjamin finds new friends, the past comes back to haunt him.Tyler is the best sports student in school. It's clear what his future lies in to everyone but his boyfriend - Tae - and his closest friends, who know the truth behind Tyler's looks.Reiji is just a normal person in love with someone who's suffering.[CURRENTLY ON HOLD]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just the first chapter of a presumably quite long original work. It was initially meant to be a fan-fiction, but the characters didn't match up.

**Chapter 1 – Benjamin**

This doesn’t quite feel like starting over. It doesn’t have that fresh sense you get when you start writing on a clean, new page and I don’t know why. I’m starting my life again in a new village, in the middle of nowhere; in a new house, as new as an Edwardian house gets; and tomorrow is my first day in a completely new school. So, what am I missing?

“Bunnyyyyyyyyyyyy.” A whine sounds from under my bed. I pretend I didn’t hear. “Come on, Bunny. Help me find it.” A face pops up to my right. “Bunny?”

I sigh. “I told you not to call me that. It’s a stupid nickname anyway.”

“But it suits you,” she fires back. A tiny strand of dark brown hair slipped out from under the vibrant, turquoise hijab she decided to wear today and has decided to sway in front of her dark eyes.

“Are you implying that I’m stupid?” I keep my face buried in a magazine to stop myself from smiling at my own joke.

“I might be,” she smirks, the happy feeling from my joke fades.

How this girl ended up being my best friend since reception I don’t know. Kiara Ali. She is the loudest, most hyperactive, most positive, and full of sun-shine person I know, but I suppose she has her good sides too. 

“Bunny.”

“Hmm?”

“You need a haircut.”

“I think _you_ should be concerned about your own hair.” She gives a little, comical shriek as she fixes the escaped strand. Sometimes I feel like this girl lives in a comedy where everything has to be exaggerated. “And I thought you were looking for something.”

“Nope,” she says shaking her head. “Just wanted to get your attention. Your too stressed about tomorrow.”

I put on my best poker-face. It’s not that hard as I have been developing it to perfection for the last five years. “No, I’m not,” I look down at the school magazine that Kiara let me borrow. “It’s just,” I continue. “When you start a new school, you want to know more about it.”

“You’d be better of cutting that hair,” she says reaching out to spin one of the blonde, curls around her finger. I say blonde, it’s more like a mixture of every shade from pale blonde to light brown. In other words: it’s a mess.

“My hair isn’t that long.” That’s true. My hair is too curly to be cut short as it stands up funny so I just let the curls fall around my face, now the hair reaches half way down my neck and the front curls fall around my eyes. “Plus, the only reason you’re saying that is because you want to cut it.” She doesn’t even try to deny it as she walks to my desk and grabs a pair of pink, plastic scissors. PLASTIC SCISSORS. “Oh no, you don’t.” I get up and take a step away from her.

“Oh yes, I do.” She takes a step closer.

“Oh no, you don’t.”

“Oh yes, I –”

“What is this? A bloody pantomime?”

“Let me cut it.”

“No!”

“Let me.”

“No.”

“Let me.”

“Fine, okay, I get it! You can cut it, but not with those,” I say pointing at the small plastic tool in her hand.

“Oh, come on!” She points the scissors at me. “I only messed up with these once.”

“I only let you cut my hair once.”

“Ouch! Burn!”

“Why are you saying that about yourself?” I raise my eyebrow at her. Sometimes – no – most times, I just don’t get her. “And your ‘mess up’ left me looking like a frickin’ clown for half a year.”

“Don’t worry I’ve been practicing,” she assures me. I don’t believe her. “And the hair cut didn’t last half a year anyway,” she mumbles, pushing her bottom lip out in a pout.

“Luckily,” I say turning to walk to the bathroom connected to my room. She smiles.

I don’t.

*/*/*

The tiles are ice cold under my feet, it feels like the cold is creeping up legs and dispersing into my body. I shiver. I could turn on the floor heating, but Aaron probably wouldn’t be happy with heating being on at the start of September. Most of my bathroom is white so it’s blinding and since it’s connected to my room and is only for me to use, it doesn’t have a lock. There are also other reasons for that, but they are currently irrelevant. I’m sitting in a chair that Kiara dragged out of my room facing the sink and mirror that covers the entire wall.

“Kiara?”

“Hmm?” She’s staring down on my hair like if she stares long enough all the curls will straighten and make it easier for her to cut. Or like she wants to drill holes in my head. One way or the other, it isn’t good. A proper pair of thin, black scissors are occupying her left hand.

“What are the students like?” I look down at my lap because I know she will give me a questioning look, this is the third time I have asked her this in the last week.

She sighs. “There are many different nationalities. Like most schools, we have the nerds, the jocks, the geeks, the drama queens, the kpop-enthusiasts, the social outcasts, and so on and so forth. Kyle is annoying so stay away from her; Amanda is her best friend, she’s okay; Liam is the cutest boy alive; all by friends are the most interesting people you’ll find in the whole school.” She almost seems to recite this like a poem.

“You know that’s not what I mean,” I click my tongue.

“Yeah, I know.” Her voice sounds slightly disappointed. We both go silent; the only noise is the snipping of the scissors. “OH, MY GOD, oh my God! I messed up!” she yells, jumping up and down like a rabbit with its tail on fire.

“What?! What did you do?” My hands reach to run through my hair as my voice comes out to panicked for me to continue asking. I’d like to yell at her, but it would be difficult. She bursts out laughing, clutching her stomach, her back bending and her knee bending towards her chest. See what I mean by “comedy”? Everything about her is over the top. I raise a brow at her and then frown. She played a joke on me.

“Your – You – Your face,” she says between deep breathes. “Priceless.” I click my tongue. She calms herself down before standing up straight to say, “You really are too stressed. Just relax. Everything will be fine.” She ruffles my hair. “All done, Bunny.”

“Could you leave the bathroom please.” My voice sounds cold. Why does it sound cold? It’s not meant to.

“Bunny?” She sounds hurt.

“No, I just-” I smile. “I just need a shower. I’m pretty sure I’ll wash out a lot of cut hairs.”

“Okay.” She leaves.

 _“Sorry, Kiara,”_ I think as I pull my _Panic! at the Disco_ t-shirt over my head and glance at the mirror. I wish I hadn’t. It’s not that I think I’m ugly; I’m not really concerned about what I look like, but the marks and bruises around my collar bones and chest make me cringe. I quickly look away to strip off the rest of my clothes and climb under hot water. A bath would be nice now, but I’d rather not have the bruises exposed for longer than necessary.

“Bunny,” Kiara yells from my room. “I want to bake, I’ll use your kitchen.” I hum in response. I really love this girl. Everything from the way she can be slightly annoying to the sweet way she smiles to cheer me up. I like how she is always dressed in the brightest colours and the most absurd clothing combinations, while making me wear things that actually look surprisingly good. However, no matter how hard I try, I will always love her, I will never be in love with her.

Why can’t I be in love with her?

I sit under the hot water without moving. I don’t know how long I sit there before Kiara comes knocking at my door.

Her voice sounds shaky as she calls me made through the door, “The cookies are done.” There is a pause. “Bunny, please answer or I’m coming in.” Now she sounds panicked.

“Yeah, let me get dressed first.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 – Kiara**

He hasn’t always been this detached from the world, it only started in the last term of Year 9, it only started last school year. I wasn’t there to protect him. This would have never happened if I was there. I would have, should have protected him, but I was here. My parents and I moved to Upville, a village in North London that is isolated from everything else by woods all around it, when I finished junior school. Bunny and I found thousands of ways for long-distance communication and we would find time to see each other during holidays. He’s getting better now, he’s healing. It’s slow, but I’m sure it’s happening.

I slip on two cooking gloves to pull the tray of cookies from the oven. Ben has only just moved into this house with his 27-year-old brother, Aaron, and 17-year-old sister, Jenna, so everything in the house is very new and – since Jenna is a big art student – everything looks amazing. The entrance leads to a short hallway that has a huge bathroom to the left and at the end of the hallway there is a thin curtain that leads to the kitchen, dining room, and living room that are all connected to make one ridiculously giant room with warm shades of green, yellow and orange all around. The wall opposite to the entrance is fully glass with sliding doors that open up to the garden. To the left of the room there is a door that leads to Ben’s room, to the right there are stairs to the second floor where the study is, Aaron’s room, and Jenna’s room. Aaron works in programming and, so far, is very successful so he easily affords the house. Ben’s parents work in law and help Aaron a lot with payment, too. I suppose it’s kind of strange that I know so much about Bunny, but I just use everything I find out about him.

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs: they’re too light to be Aaron’s so I suspect it to be Jenna. I am correct. A pretty girl walks towards the glass door to the garden, her back facing me. Jenna has curly, brown hair that reaches her hips; she’s skinny, but all the Hughes are; I know that her eyes are identical to her brothers’, light brown with a slight golden glow; her face is perfect; and she’s an art student with no sense of style, she wears anything that keeps her warm. _“If Bunny was here, he would say I have no right to say that,”_ I think to myself and let out a small giggle.

“Hey, Kiara.” I’ve been spotted.

“Hi! D’you know what plate I should use for these?” I ask gesturing to the hot tray of cookies in my hands. Jenna walks up to me; a strong scent of shampoo follows her. It’s pleasant.

“Use this one.” She pulls a large white plate with flower designs over it, the edges of her mouth curl up at the sweet smell. “Where’s Benji?”

“Yeap! He’s just getting dress.” She gives me a questioning look. “He just had a shower,” I clarify. The door opens, “Speak of the devil.”

“And he will appear,” Bunny finishes. He’s wearing light-blue jeans, white socks, and a white hoodie with bunny ears sawn to the hood (guess who got him that!). Jenna puts the plate on the kitchen counter before getting a plastic bottle of water and walking back upstairs. Since _that_ happened in Year 9 Jenna has gotten colder, too. That was her GCSE year so that may have affected her, but I feel like there is too much tension between her and her brothers for it to have been exams. It’s quite upsetting since they all used to be so close. I direct my attention back to Bunny. He looks uncomfortable with Jenna just walking off. I decide to bring up the past to distract him.

“Huh, Bunny, don’t you miss the old days?” I sigh.

“Why are you talking like my grandad?” He fires back. Shit, he’s quick when it comes to making people feel bad about helping him.

“I mean, I really miss the times you were so openly obsessed with rabbits,” I tease.

“Bunnies,” he corrects.

“What’s the difference?” I know this one’s going to get him.

“’Bunny’ is the cuddlier word for ‘hare’. Bunnies and rabbits are in the same family called Leporidae, but they are in different species. Bunnies are larger than rabbits, they do not burrow unlike rabbits. Since their nests are not hidden underground, they are born with fur and open eyes and they don’t need parental care. Rabbits are born naked, blind, and helpless,” he recites. It’s hilarious how affected he is by anything concerning bunnies. He’s about to continue.

“K, thanks, got it! Want a cookie?” He reaches to get one from the plate that Jenna put on the counter.

“Bloody-!” He yelps dropping the treat. “They’re hot!” He glares, I laugh.

*/*/*

“This uniform is itchy as fuck!” I announce as I bounce down the stairs and into the kitchen. Compared to the Hughes kitchen, ours is ancient.

“Kiara, watch your tongue,” my mum snaps as she fixes my dad’s tie; he reaches to help her, but she slaps his hand. My dad grunts in annoyance, I giggle at their failed relationship. “Eat quickly. You said you would pick up Benjamin on your way to school.” My mind lights up at the thought of finally going to North Upville High School with my oldest childhood friend. I stuff the scrambled eggs into my mouth, while wandering what Bunny is having for breakfast.

“Venn dosh shkool end juday?” I ask with egg spilling out of my mouth.

“Gross!” Shanti says, sticking her tongue out. Shanti is my seven-year-old sister and a major pain in the ass. I swallow.

“Whatever, Smurf.”

“It’s a half day today, like any other first day of school for the last three years,” she says. Mum gasps.

“Kiara, fix your hair!” she yells.

“What’s the point? I’m gonna wear my hijab anyway.”

“Just do it! And don’t wear that green atrocity today.”

“It’s turquoise,” I correct. Mum glares, I swear her eyeballs are going to roll out of their sockets if she keeps glaring. I head upstairs to the bathroom and brush out the dark brown bedhead I’m sporting right now. I collect everything I need for today, which is mainly just an empty backpack that still somehow manages to feel heavy. What do they make these things out of?

Now it’s time to give a small overview of the village. Upville is considered a “small” village because it has one senior school (North Upville High School) and one junior school (South Upville Junior School) because whoever named them was very imaginative. It’s located on the side of a hill and the North happens to be up the hill, there is one hospital, one sports centre, one post office, and one very large shopping centre. The village has curves, small streets through which you could not fit _any_ car, so people travel mainly by bike or walking. However, the village isn’t actually that small: there are thousands of kids in the school and about a hundred per Year, though some of them come from other villages or towns around the area (there are proper roads through the woods, but not once you enter Upville). There are small, Edwardian houses all around with the occasional pub or café here and there. Technically, Upville would be called a town, but ‘village’ suits the name more.

In about ten minutes, I reach Bunny’s house. Before I can even knock on the door he pulls it open. His uniform is already on and I can tell that he has made an effort to brush his curls out, but it backfired and now stands fuzzy on his head. I giggle. His brows crease and I press down where the crease is with my finger.

“Don’t do that, you’ll get wrinkles,” I say.

“Don’t laugh at me,” he pouts.

I sigh, “Let me help you with that.” We make our way to the huge bathroom near the entrance where Jenna keeps her hair products. I take a wide digging through them and sporadically letting one fall to the ground until I finally find the bottle I need. “Hallelujah!” I exclaim, Bunny cringes, I shrug. I squirt some hair oil onto my hand before carefully separating his curls and coating each one in a little bit of oil. When I’m done, he looks like Benjamin Hughes again.

“Thanks.” It sounds like he has exerted his day’s supply of courage to say that so I smile.

“Let’s head out or we’ll be late.”

We start walking up the hill and even though the school is pretty close to Bunny’s house, it takes way too much effort when travelling up the hill and the cobbled streets don’t make it any easier. I watch Bunny as he admires everything around us. He may be going for the cold-guy-who-isn’t-effected-by-anything character, but it’s painfully obvious that he loves places like this village. Everything from the colour of the bricks used in the houses to the rusty, black signs hanging from above bar doors is his type of village. In Year 3, Bunny visited Rue and Sussex, which is incredibly similar to Upville and he wouldn’t stop talking about his trip for two weeks straight. It was a pain, but now I realise that I should have appreciated his happy moments.

“Kiara,” he says, snapping me back to the real world.

“Hmm?”

“You’re staring at me, it’s disturbing.”

“Sorry, but you look so cute when you’re looking around all confused,” I say before I notice that I just made him blush big-time.

“I’m not cute.”

“You’re super cute! Do you remember that time in the junior school, when your bunny--?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember,” He cuts me off, even more embarrassed than before. I need to kill the silence again.

“Race you!” I shout, sprinting forward with the small amount of stamina I have. That doesn’t stop the two of us from laughing all the way to the school gate.

**Benjamin**

The first hour of school was spent on an assembly for all the Year 7s and other new students, meanwhile I spent the first hour of school hating myself for how worried I was over nothing. The odd few people came up to me before the assembly and most of them were girls that are very close to Kiara, so I didn’t mind. When they started asking questions Kiara told them to get lost, but in her usual, lovely way that always must be dripping with vulgarities. The school really is very big and it is built against the woods so it’s area can easily expand. Kiara told me about the junior school in Upville being the old school building, since the 1800s, and the construction of the senior school was only complete four years ago, so everything in this building is new. Upville does have some of the best scoring students in GCSEs and A-Levels and the large IT and library facilities are probably very useful, but it’s hard to image that this school also has some of the lowest scores students get as it should accept every adolescent in Upville to have enough students.

The head-master is a tall, skinny man called Mr Cooper. A slight American accent haunts his speech and I hear some girls sitting beside me conversing about what they wouldn’t give t have his accent. The stereotypical white girl thing to do. I look over and see three pretty girls huddled together: they look like they’re whispering to each other, but, in reality, the noises made are seconds away from screams and shrieks. Fortunately, . . . or unfortunately (to each their own), the girls are not all white: one has deep, dark skin with small black curls falling around her shoulders, the other has honey-tan skin and a purple-dyed plait, and the last (sitting closest to me) is a cute ginger girl with glasses and freckles. She looks at me and smiles. I look away.

I don’t need attention.

“Oh, don’t tell me your looking for a girlfriend now,” Kiara teases beside me. She whispers into my ear as not to interrupt the head’s talk, which has already earned its fair number of bobbing heads and shut-eyes. Though to be fair, isn’t every school assembly like this?

“You know I’m not,” I say this a bit louder to make sure the ginger-haired girl doesn’t think I’ve taken a fancy to her.

Okay, let’s get real here. This is not how I usually talk – with these long, old-fashioned, English-teacher words scattered here and there – but it’s never too late to try to change something about yourself.

That’s a lie. It can be too late.

“Mika is cute, right?” Kiara says. I don’t answer. “The girl next to you.”

“Oh,” I say. “I suppose. They’re all pretty.”

“The girl with the purple hair is Stacy, the hot one is Beth.”

I glance at Beth to find out why Kiara decided to compliment her. The word ‘hot’ doesn’t really come to mind, but I suppose, in some way, you could argue. She has pretty curves to her body and her hair and face look almost flawless, but perfection isn’t my preference. I prefer someone who is feasibly flawed . . . like Kiara. I look down at the bright ball od sunshine that would follow me to the edge of the Earth and I can’t help but smile at the thought.

“Okay . . . who just possessed your mind? It’s creepy.” She teases, nudging her finger in my chest. Each of her nails is polished a different shade of purple with a coating of transparent, glittery polish. How do I know this? Because her nails had been our main conversation topic a week ago, when I moved in. I do indeed regret all my life choices.

We proceed to suffer through the rest of the head’s talk in silence.

*/*/*

“What idiot invented assemblies in the first place?” Kiara whines as she stretches her arms above her head after the suffering had ended. “I would like to travel back in time and punch them in the face.”

“SPCK, or at least they promote them,” I answer. She looks surprised, but then laughs it off.

“Of course, should have guessed mister-know-it-all-bunny-rabbit here would also know-it-all about everything else.”

“What concerns me more,” I continue, ignoring her lack of proper English vocabulary. “Is that if you could travel back in time you would waste it on travelling a mere – I don’t know – 50 years max. to punch some Christian society trying to promote the spread of knowledge.” She laughs and then I’m hit with something sentimental.

“How did I survive so long in this school without you, Bunny?” she says through giggles. “See? You heal around me.” She gasps as she realises she’s just said this aloud. She looks up at me for forgiveness. Our line of seating starts to rise to leave the assembly hall “in silence”, which apparently means by screaming and shouting and hugging people in the middle of the hallway for some people. I shake my head a bit to Kiara to show that it doesn’t matter, but I feel the scars under my school uniform burn.

_“Is a memory really enough to make me hurt,”_ I think. _“Pathetic, absolutely pathetic.”_

As everyone starts to move, I move too, not knowing where I’m going. As we make it out of the assembly hall Kiara tugs at my sleeve, she smiles, it’s a lousy smile. She’s obviously cursing herself for bringing _that_ up and I want to tell her that it’s fine, but I can’t.

“Our form-room’s this way,” she points at the large stairs that are just past the library. “We get the study room this term, the form-rooms change every term.” I follow her. The study room is very big and has cushioned chairs around large, rectangular, wooden tables. There are three tables placed around the study and the walls are covered with bookshelves that have different classics and encyclopaedias carefully laid out on them. Kiara watches me inspect the books. “So, the books would match the old-fashioned style of the study they only put these books here,” she explains. “The good stuff is in the YA section of the library.”

“I love how you unconditionally despise classics,” I say, I’m careful to keep my emotions at bay so I don’t bring any attention now that students are starting to collect in the room. I feel my heart start to race and I dig my nails into my palms to get it to stop. Guess what? It doesn’t work. I curse under my breath as I spot the ginger haired girl – Mika – talking to another group of people and I spot their eyes flicking to me.

“Welcome!” a loud, male voice announces behind me and I almost jump from the volume of the supposed ‘welcome’. A tall guy stands in front of me, just a bit taller than me. However, his shoulders are much wider and most of the top buttons of his school shirt are unbuttoned to reveal a glimpse of well-defined muscles. His hair is fixed to stand up on top of his head, only adding to his height: it’s a very pale brown and seems to be bleaches on the ends. His arms are stretched out in front of him as if he’s expecting me to leap into his arms and hug him.

I step away.

“Leave my friend alone, would you, Tyler,” Kiara snarls beside me.

“Oh, c’mon Kia, I’m just greeting a newcomer,” he smiles and reaches out to pat my hair.

I step away. _“Who does that?”_ I think, _“Who pats a stranger’s head?”_ He laughs.

“C’mon, it’s my way of saying ‘hello’!” He yells, bringing more attention to us.

“I’d prefer if you didn’t.” It comes out with more spite than intended. That turned some more heads.

“Hey, Tyler, stop forcing your gay on others.” This makes everyone look towards the source of the voice, where a group of delinquent-looking kids are sitting on the teacher’s desk. I say ‘delinquent-looking’, but that’s more the aura the guy in the middle is sending out, he looks like your typical British punk. I hear some people groan at his comment, others giggle.

“I’m not,” Tyler says.

“Not gay or not forcing it on other people?” The guy smirks.

“Neither,” Tyler says, his voice has gone surprisingly cold.

“Yeah right, f-” It’s perfectly obvious now that he’s going to let the f-word spill. My heart falls into my stomach, but the guy is cut off.

“F-off, Raymond!” Kiara yells. “I’m not exactly Tyler’s best-friend, but you’ve just got to mind your own business!” Why are the teachers always late when you need them?

“Oh, burn!” A guy sitting next to Raymond mocks. The group chuckles to themselves.

“Yeah, whatever. We don’t little-miss- perfect getting involved,” Raymond continues. “Oh, wait! Are you a ‘miss’ or a ‘mister’, let me think about it.” They laugh.

“Nice. Comedy gold.” The sarcasm is drowning my words. _“No! Shut up! Don’t get involved!”_ “There’s just one problem . . .” _“No, no, no, no, don’t! Stop!”_ “I have my doubts about how much thinking you will accomplish, your head’s main priority seems to me keeping that hair up, nothing more.” I smirk. I hate myself. I hear gasps and giggles around the room, I feel their eyes on me. I feel sick. At that moment, some more students hurry into the room before a teacher walks in behind them, swatting the group around her desk away.

“Good morning, Year . . . 10.” She says, stopping to check what Year we were in. “You may sit down.”

I sit between Kiara and Tyler: he smiles at me, she looks concerned. I feel sick. I teacher hands out a bunch of sheets with lessons, permission slips, etc. and hands me a school map and locker number. As soon as I’m sure that l have heard everything I need, I slide lower down my chair so she can’t see me and I drown her words out by placing earphones into the ear that is out of her view and playing something. Anything. I don’t care. As long as I forget.

How could I lose it? How did I lose my composure so quickly? The less I talk, the less attention I will bring to myself. The less attention I bring to myself, the less likely I am to have to talk. It’s simple. And yet, why do I find it so difficult to follow?

_“God, I hate myself,”_ I think as I chew my lip, but I break out of my unconscious, little daydream when the taste of metal spreads across my mouth. I bit through my lip.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – Reiji**

Tyler has been going on and on about the ‘cool’ and ‘fearless’ new kid with the poker-face. He won’t stop; his hair stands on end and his light-blue eyes light up each time he remembers how he was ‘rescued’ by the stoic prince. No guy in the world would be this happy when talking about being rescued.

“Okay, Tyler, we get it,” Tae says. His face is as plain and emotionless as ever, but his body is leaning back against Tyler’s chest and his head is resting on Tyler’s shoulder. Tae’s small frame has little effect on the mountain, known as Tyler, standing behind him. Though mountain is a bit exaggerated, especially since my own physiognomy isn’t lacking that far behind.

“Congrats, Ty. You’ve successfully made Tae jealous,” I smirk. Tyler’s face lights up brighter than I thought possible, if this goes any further he might as well be a lightbulb.

“Tae, are you jealous?” He asks, he leans his head to the side to make eye-contact with the former.

“No,” Tae answers monotonously, but he pushes himself up to connect lips with Tyler. “You’re all mine anyway.” I can’t help, but cringe.

“Ugh, you guys, get a room!” a familiar, female voice sounds from the door. Both guys jump apart, afraid to get caught, but lean back into each other as they realise who just arrived.

“It’s just Aya,” I say.

“What do you mean ‘just Aya’?” She pretends to be offended by placing a hand to her chest before grabbing a magazine of the library shelf and marching over to me. She hits me on the head before sitting down next to me.

“I should have expected to be wacked on the head with a magazine after my earlier comment, but it still hurts.” I continue her offended act by pretending to wipe a tear away from my eye.

“Yeah, right,” she rolls her eyes.

“On the inside, it does,” I wipe another fake tear, she chuckles. It’s fair to say that appearance wise and culture wise, Aya is more Japanese than me. Her hair is black and straight and falls perfectly around puffy cheeks and puffy, pink lips. Her eyes are almond-shaped and very dark brown. Nothing about her stands out much, but that’s because of her parents’ strict boundaries for her. My mum is Japanese, and close friends with Aya’s mum making us childhood friends, and my dad is Italian, he is obsessed with British and Japanese culture to the extent of taking my mum’s surname instead of the traditional way. But who gives a damn about tradition?

“So, what’re you guys doing up here?” All four of us are sitting around the circular window in the library storage room. This room was supposed to be used as a little cinema area for classes when they watch documentaries since projectors are rubbish, but the room is at the top of the school and always gets stuffy when it’s hot outside and freezing when the temperature drops. It’s a small room and has beanbags and cushions around the walls and the only light comes from the window that looks out on the school front gate.

“Well,” I explain. “The Year 11s, 12s, and 13s usually stay a bit longer so we thought it would be okay if we wait here for Tyler to show us the new kid.”

“Oh, you mean Kiara’s boyfriend?” Aya asks. Of course. Kiara. The new guy has to be friends with the loudest girl in the school. I mean, she’s not a bad person, but it’s frustrating when you realise how many friends the girl has (everyone in the school who isn’t known as a bully).

“I don’t think he’s her boyfriend,” Tyler says, taking his attention off Tae. “They’re too different. And they don’t have that lovey-dovey feel to them.” He smiles down at his boyfriend and squeezes his friend.

“I simply don’t think it’s possible for that girl to have a boyfriend,” I say. Tyler wraps his arms around Tae’s waist from behind. That’s our cue to look away.

“Please promise me that you won’t go all ‘lovey-dovey’ on me as well,” Aya says, dropping the magazine and pulling her phone out. She puts in the pin and it opens straight up to her Instagram page.

“You have no right to say that,” I say. The girl is probably the only person in the school who is openly LGBT+, but she would never tell her parents. Japanese culture doesn’t exactly support it. Aya’s pansexual and is now dating some girl, she would never tell anyone who it is as her partner isn’t confident in her sexuality. She squeals: either because a new picture was posted of her favourite kpop ship or because a new episode of an anime she’s watching has been released. And . . . she’s lost to reality, tapping away at her phone.

“There! There he is,” Ty announces as he points out of the window. I don’t know how Tae deals with him, Ty is always too loud and too happy. I look out of the window.

“Where?”

“Walking out of the gate with Kiara.” I notice him and he looks nothing like what I imagined. He seems interesting.

**Tyler**

Tae Yang Park is beautiful. His Korean background from his dad’s side gives him the pretty skin, elegant eyes, luscious lips, and black hair. His mother is from Ukraine: he took her eye colour, the greyish sea-green eyes, and his short hair curls at the ends giving him an angelic look. He’s average height for a 15-year-old boy, but compared to me Tae has a small frame He’s not skinny, but his figure has an attractive elegance to it; he has pretty, pale skin decorated with beauty spots like vibrant constellations on a blank canvas. The way that he only smiles around me makes me want to cry; he has a beautiful smile. I love the small dimples that appear in his cheeks and I love the way his eyes squint when he’s happy. His eyelashes are long and black and they bring all the attention to his enchanting eyes. Don’t get me wrong. My boyfriend has flaws, but I don’t see them because there are too many things for me to love about him. And it’s not only his face and frame: I love the way he pretends to be emotionless and innocent, but is actually the one who confessed to me before summer vacation.

“C’mon, we should head home.” I’m too excited to leave because I’m staying at Tae’s house. I don’t live in Upville and it’s a bother to get here every morning so Tae’s parents let me stay at their house for the week and leave on the weekends, though, I don’t always leave at the weekends. My parents don’t really mind as long as I attend all my sports clubs. I notice Reiji inspect the new kid.

“He seems like the type who would do the bullying,” he says. “He’s tall and skinny and the glasses give him the smart-aleck feel.”

“But the golden curls make him kinda cute,” Aya says, biting her lip as she looks at the boy.

“Don’t do that,” I say. “It seems like you’re preying on him.”

“I might be,” she winks. “Anyway, let’s go. Mum’s picking me up and we’re going to London to shop.”

“Why didn’t you shop during the holidays?” Tae asks.

Aya shrugs, “It’s never too late to go shopping!”

*/*/*

I spend the rest of the day collecting my sports gear at Tae’s house. Everything in his house is blindingly white or freakishly black. His parents have gone for a modern, monochromic design in the house even though they don’t live here. It’s hard for them to travel to Upville so they have an apartment in London, where they work, while Tae lives with his grandma. Tae’s grandma is the sweetest old lady who serves rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That is not a racial reference, she simply can’t cook anything but rice and her rice is usually half raw. Tae does the cooking.

I repeat: my boyfriend can cook and he’s amazing! No. He’s not amazing, but it’s the thought that counts. He usually ends up burning the stuff or the food simply doesn’t look edible after it’s been touched by him. When we’re lucky Reiji comes over and cooks. And my bro can cook anything from a chocolate cake to a perfect Italian pizza, but what less could you expect from the son of an Italian chief. Though, to be fair, Rei doesn’t look like the type who would know how to cook.

The wonderful scent of lasagne fill my nose. Suddenly, I’m very, very hungry. I hear Tae walk into the room before he wraps his arms around my waist, he presses his face against my upper back.

“Is Rei cooking?”

“Mm-hmm,” he nods against my back. We stand in silence. It’s not the awkward type of silence, it’s the pleasant type. The type you cherish, the type that I never want to share with anyone but Tae. I remember Tae explaining to me how our names show that we were always meant to be together when he confessed. His name ‘Yang’ means ‘Sun’ in Korean and my surname, Frost, contradicts it. And at the same time each name describes the other: most people would call Tae the cold type and me the sunny type. “What did you like so much about that new kid?” He mumbles this so quietly that I barely make out his words. I turn towards him and cover his upper half entirely with my arms as I hug him.

“I don’t know,” I say. “But he kinda reminded he of you on your first year here. He was all distant and silent.” He smiles. “So, you were jealous.” It’s not even a question, but he answers.

“Of course, I was jealous,” he pouts. “I thought you would replace me with a tall blond.”

“Never.” I put my thumb on his lower lip, that he’s kindly stuck out for me. I pull his lip down to reveal a glimpse of pretty, white teeth. My eyes trace his face to make sure that he’s fine with me kissing him. His eyes are fixed on my lips and then they flick up to meet mine. I’m being swallowed by those deep green gems that are piercing through me. Our lips connect. I feel the butterflies in my stomach, they’re also pleasant. Everything with Tae is pleasant. _“Please don’t ever leave me, Tae.”_ My fingers gently press on the small of his back. I bend down so my chin is on Tae’s chest and I grasp the back side of his knees. I pull him up, our lips never separate.

“Tae, I love you.”

“I love you, too.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally get to include some actual angst. I know it may be confusing, but everything will be explained. I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar errors. Enjoy! (Hopefully.)

**Chapter 4 – Benjamin**

_I feel their hands; the disgusting warm breaths against my ear; I want to throw up; I want to push them away, but I know he’s watching and I want him to see me. I want him to know what he did, but his eyes don’t look at me: they are looking through me. Not to see what’s inside, but simply because he doesn’t see me. I don’t exist for him, I’m not alive, I’m just another obstacle he must get through in his life. I don’t matter. I feel more than their hands now. Sharp piercing pain runs all over my body from my chest and neck. I feel the tears: they’re warm. I hear myself sob._

_“Pathetic!” I know! I know I’m pathetic, I don’t need to be told. Another shot of pain runs through my body: one after the other. With each hit I feel my soul shatter. The pieces are scattered, scattered so far, I know that I will never find them again, I will never put them together. He smiles. He laughs at my pain, but that smile brings me hope. “Pathetic!” I know. I can see their faces blur. I want to see them burn. I drift further into the darkness. I can’t feel their hands anymore. I’m stuck in a void of never ending silence, silence beyond what hell could possibly have to offer. I’m drowning in the silence. It’s dark. I can’t breathe._

I can’t breathe. My body jerks up as I gasp for air. I’m in my bath, I must have fallen asleep and I slipped under the water.

“Benjamin! Ben!” My brother rushes into the bathroom. That’s why the door has no lock: for easy access. I don’t care that I’m currently naked in front of my brother. I press my knees against my chest and hide my face in my arms. I don’t cry, there’s nothing to cry about. Aaron empties the bath of water and covers my shoulders with a fluffy towel. He pulls me up and carries me to bed. It’s pathetic that a 14-almost-15-year-old is carried to bed by his brother, but I don’t want to move. He looks through my drawer and fishes out a pair of boxers and a plain, white hoodie. I rarely wear t-shirts, I only wear them if Kiara covers the bruises with concealer. Her concealer is darker than my skin tone, but it’s better that way. I put my clothes on and sit in bed.

“I’m calling the school,” Aaron says while running his fingers through my wet hair. He takes the towel and starts to dry the curls falling in my face. I would push him away, I would tell him that I can do it myself, but he’s always so happy when he can help me in anyway. “You don’t need to go to school tomorrow.”

_“That’d be nice,”_ I think. _“But it would bring too much attention.”_ “No,” I say. “I should go. Plus,” I force myself to chuckle. It doesn’t work. “Kiara will bombard me with questions if I skip school.”

“But-” I take his hand, it’s so much warmer than mine.

“I’m fine, Aaron. That was just a stupid accident.” He sighs. It hurts me how concerned he looks. He smiles, it’s not fake, Aaron doesn’t do fake smiles. He rests the towel on my head and bends down to gently kiss my forehead. “Gross,” I joke, sticking my tongue out. His smile brightens and he presses another kiss on my forehead. This time I push him away and he laughs as he leaves my room. I notice Jenna standing outside the door, “I’m fine, really.”

She frowns, “I didn’t say anything.” She tosses me a bottle of orange juice from outside the room, which I catch. “And put some trousers on,” she says, smiling. I realise that I’ve been sitting on my bed in my pants and hoodie the entire time.

“Get lost!” I yell throwing the bottle back at her, she closes the door in time for the bottle to hit that, fall to the floor and roll away. I hear her giggle outside before her footsteps disappear. This is the first-time Jenna and I have had a normal conversation since _that_ happened. I feel happy. “Maybe this place really does heal,” I say to myself. As soon as I say it, I regret it. My bruises burn as a reminder. I decide to drown it out in loud, rock music and a book as I climb under the covers. At the start of summer vacation, a month after the incident, I realised that I could listen to any music in the world if it was loud enough to block everything else out. I’m not a musical student, I never understood how notes worked, but music helps me forget and that’s all I really need right now.

After an hour of reading and listening to music so loud that I feel like my eardrums are missing, I climb out of bed and decide to hang up my uniform. I look out of the window. This place is probably where most old people want to go, it has everything you would need (except for cars) and it’s calm and beautiful, but I’ve always liked places like these as well. Something about them seems to take you back in time and the one thing I associate with going back in time is my childhood, though my childhood isn’t that far back in time. When I was smaller, I took for granted the fact that I didn’t need to worry about anything, as most kids do, and now I regret it. My phone buzzes.

KIARA: i found posble part time job 4 u

ME: What is it?

KIARA: table thingy

ME: ?

KIARA: whats the word? WAITER

ME: Where?

KIARA: café

ME: What café?

KIARA: called morning sunshine

ME: That’s a wretched name.

KIARA: YES

ME: When?

KIARA: sat & sun mornings 89 2 12

ME: 89?

KIARA: 9 2 12, soz! ;)

I allow myself to assume that she’s telling me that they need a waiter for Saturday and Sunday mornings from 9 until 12.

ME: I’ll think about it.

KIARA: k

ME: How much do they pay?

KIARA: fair mount

ME: *amount

KIARA: THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU CORRECT

ME: Check your CAPS LOCK button.

KIARA: YES, YES

I drop my phone on my bed. It’s a Wednesday today, I suppose I could survive two school days and go to work every Saturday and Sunday, but I’m not sure I have enough energy within me to go to school five days a week and then waste my two days of freedom at work. I tend to wake up at 12:00 anyway. I want to support myself, I don’t want to rely on my parents and Aaron. I don’t want to be a burden. I sigh as I let myself fall onto the bed, completely forgetting about what happened in the bathroom. It’s better to forget.

*/*/*

As expected, I survived the next two days of school without much trouble. The guys I dissed on the first day of school only growled at me whenever I walked past and I found it amusing. Other than a few odd people coming up to me and asking me where I was from, nothing really happened. Then, on Saturday morning, Kiara stormed into my room yelling at me to get up.

“Leave me alone,” I grumble, flipping myself over to bury my face in my pillow. “Sleep is precious.” My voice is too muffled for Kiara to understand. I hear Kiara open the closet and flip through the clothes hanging on hangers. I know that, when she’s done, more than half of those clothes will be laying on the floor. She picks something out and throws it at me. “Mm!”

“Get up, lazy ass!” She’s yelling at . . . what time is it? I look up to check how many more hours I can get away with in bed, but then I realise that looking up was a mistake. She grabs me by the shoulders and starts to pull. “Come . . . on!”

“No! I’m going to sleep!” I yell. Somehow, Kiara manages to get me out of bed and force me into a pair of grey jeans, a white turtle-neck with a picture of bright orange headphones at the front and black, and water-proof boots. I can’t think of a use for non-water-proof boots, but I go along with it. “I want your copy of my house-keys back after this,” I say.

“You would be late for work if I didn’t come.” I stay silent, I’m really too tired for this on a Saturday morning. “What were you doing last night, anyway, for you to be so tired.” I’m still silent. “You know a conversation requires more than one person talking, right? That’s what we’re supposed to be having now. A conversation.” I turn to look at her.

“Get lost, Kiara.” My voice comes out somewhat monotonous. Then I decide to answer, “I was doing the usual, reading fanfiction.” I know she believes me because that was a hobby of mine in Year 6, 7, 8 and 9. She doesn’t know that all that reading fanfiction does now is bring back memories, so, I don’t read it.

“How does **not** being late on your first day of work sound to you?” She throws a thin, water-proof coat at me; more precisely, at my face.

“I’m getting an ‘it’s raining’ gist,” I say, pulling it on.

“You bet.” And as if on cue, I see the sheets of rain completely obscuring the house opposite ours outside the window.

“I _really_ would rather be late.”

**Reiji**

The rain is just about the worst thing that could have happened to boost my self-confidence today. I woke up with the worst bedhead in centuries and decided that brushing it out would be a bother so I didn’t touch it. It looks like a raven has lived and died on my head. But you know what? I’ll deal with it!

 . . . or at least I thought I would until the rain hit me and now it looks like my hair is a sponge. I don’t know why I care so much, but, when I saw the new guy at my part-time job, I started to regret all my life choices. Let’s just clarify. I have never felt like I truly fell in love with anyone, but, like any other normal person, I’ve had crushes. This guy is not a crush. He just looks so posh and out of my league that I feel like I should have put in some effort. The rain pouring outside snaps me out of my little looking-at-the-good-looking-new-guy daze.

“Hey, Rei. Ooh, that rhymes!” Betty says from the counter. Betty is a sweet, old lady who tries to talk like our generation, but instead seems to copy the way her 5-year-old granddaughter speaks.

“Hi, Betty.” The new guy doesn’t turn to look at me, however, the ‘little ball of sunshine’ commonly known as Kiara does. God save me!

“Bunny, I’m so sorry.” Her eyes are directed at me when she says that so I feel very confused. “You have to work with this thing,” she snickers. Okay, maybe Kiara and I don’t have the best history, but that was uncalled for. Now the new kid – what did she call him? Bunny? – will think badly of me.

“Seeing as he’s survived with you, ‘sweetheart’, I think he’ll be just fine.” She sticks her tongue out at me.

“What are you? Five?” Bunny-guy now looks down at Kiara. She’s significantly shorter than him, but, then again, it’s the same with her and almost everyone. Kiara’s short.

“Are you guys ganging up on me?” She sounds offended, but something about her seems to be happy. The part of her that’s watching Bunny-guy. Are they really dating?

“Benjamin,” he says, he places his hand out for me to shake. He doesn’t smile or anything and his voice sounds like he’s so bored he might as well be writing a geography thesis on different types of rocks. Sorry, I just really hate rocks. Who cares if it’s sedimentary, igneous, or metamorphic? Why do I remember the different rock types? Year 10 must be getting to me.

I straighten up and smile, “Reiji, Rei for short.” I shake his hand, but he quickly snaps his away from mine and I feel a bit hurt.

“Sorry,” he says. “Your hands are cold . . . and wet.” I laugh, something about the way he said it just got to me.

“Yeah, it’s both cold and wet out there.” I point outside, where the rain hasn’t even started to subside. He doesn’t smile, he just nods. I don’t mind, he’s like Tae in that sense and I’ve known Tae for about two years now.

“Come on, boys,” Betty cuts in, smiling.

“Umm, not a boy here!” Kiara waves her hands around above her head.

“Close enough,” Benjamin smirks. That takes me by surprise. Maybe he isn’t as similar to Tae as I thought.

“Ah, so you can smile,” I say.

“Not at you though,” Kiara says. “Bunny smiles only for me!”

“‘Bunny’?” I ask. Kiara’s eyes light up and she opens her mouth to explain the cute nickname, but a harsh voice cuts her off.

“Kiara, if you say anything,” Benjamin threatens. “You’ll never see that bunny jumper you gave me again, I swear!”

“The story’s worth it,” she says. “When Bunny and I were sm-” A pale hand covers her mouth: the fingers are long and thin and the nails are carefully cut short.

“Shut up,” Bunny says. She pushes him away and runs to the opposite side of the empty café.

“When we were small, Bunny was really obsessed with bunnies.” Benjamin runs after her to try and shut her up again. “So, when he was five his parents got him a bunny. Bunny looked after it for about a year, but then the little guy ran away. Every day, when we came back from school, he would start crying and call out ‘Bunny! Bunny! Come back, bunny!’” She says all of this while running up and down the café, which – I must admit – is impressive.

“I think you forgot to mention that you would come up to me and cry with me because you thought it would make me feel better,” Benjamin says. “And it didn’t.”

“It’s the thought that counts,” she smiles. She looks so satisfied.

“I’m burning that frickin’ jumper.” Her look of satisfaction melts right off her face. I laugh and I clutch my stomach as I do. What can be better than seeing Kiara in pain. Side note: I am NOT a sadist.

“No! Bunny!” she whines, I continue laughing. I think I see the faintest smile on Bunny’s face. It’s sweet.

*/*/*

“So, what humanities are you studying then?” I ask as I lay a small, antic cup of coffee for the old lady at table number 4. She smiles at me and proceeds to blow on her coffee. I know this lady and she usually spends fifteen minutes blowing on her coffee, it takes her thirty seconds to gulp it down, and a further fifteen minutes to count out all the little coins in her purse to make sure she has enough to pay.

“I study history,” is the reply I get from the other side of the small café as Bunny presents a customer with the receipt. He looks better than me in the café’s uniform. It is unfairly designed for tall, skinny people. Bunny isn’t skinny – at least not from afar – but he has elegantly long features and he looks like the type of person who would make a perfect waiter if he only bothered to smile.

“You gonna ask me?”

“Why?”

I pause for a second to think. “Because it’s the nice thing to do,” I say, sticking my tongue out at him.

“Kiara’s five-year-old-ness is rubbing off on you.” I smirk at the insult.

“I study geography, in case you were wondering -”

“Which I was not,” he cuts me off.

“It’s hard to get you to talk and suddenly it’s impossible to shut you up.”

“Why do you care so much?” I am dumbstruck by how bitter his voice comes out. “It’s not like you will really care in a few minutes and you probably won’t bother to remember it for longer than that either.” I give him a questioning look that says _‘I have no idea what the bloody hell just happened’_. He sighs like I’m the stupidest person in the world. Which I am NOT. “My GCSE option. Why do you care?” Bunny clarifies.

“I’m just making small talk,” I say, completely dismissing how hostile his voice sounded. “You’re not good with small talk, huh. I heard somewhere that when a person comes out as cold, quiet and bad at making insignificant conversation, it is a sign of high intelligence. I suppose you qualify for all the criterial so you must be very smart-”

“Don’t believe everything you hear,” he cuts me off again, but then he smirks. “However, I will have to agree with you on that point.”

“Oh, are we Mr Modest?”

“Gross, you sound like my grandad. Stop.”

“‘Gross’? How can you associate my handsome face with your grandad?” I joke.

“Oh, look who’s talking. You’re the one who just made a ‘Mr Modest’ comment.” He has now made his way to the counter and is taking an order from a new customer: an old man who continually orders a warm croissant and hot chocolate, which he always drinks when it’s room temperature. I decide to stay quiet while Bunny is busy explaining to the man that we have already sold our last croissant. _Morning Sunshine Café_ is a café that is primarily for old people: it’s small, old-fashioned, smells of antique furniture, it’s always reasonably quiet, and it’s has no Wi-Fi-connection at all times.

Ben walks up to me as the old man has finally left, convinced that he was robbed of his daily croissant with room-temperature-chocolate. “Why are these people so difficult?” He complains. “If we’re out of croissants that means that we are out of croissants!” He seems to announce this to the whole café so I cover his mouth with one of my hands as I use the other to stop myself from laugher escaping my lips. He clicks his tongue and pulls my hand away from his face. He then occupies himself with fixing the dark, plastic rimmed glasses on his face. The café is usually quite empty, but due to the undying rain and slippery cobbled streets – if anyone calls them ‘roads’, they’re lying – even less tables are busy than usual.

“Hey, Bunny,” I say, looking out at the rain. There is always something calm and pleasant about watching the rain. The heavy, grey, cotton clouds outside make the morning look dark and I can see Bunny’s and my refection in the glass as we stand next to each other.

“Don’t call me that, it’s annoying enough from Kiara.” His eyes meet mine in the reflection on the glass, but he quickly averts his gaze by looking down at the floor.

“Whatever,” I say. “Why did you move to Upville?” I notice a slight shiver run through his body as I stare at the reflection. As I turn to look at him, I notice the tight stiffness in his face and shoulders at the question I’ve just asked. I seem to have stuck a nerve. “You don’t have to answer, I was just wondering.” I brush it off with a smile: it’s a pretty fake smile. Something seems very wrong.

**Benjamin**

Of course, he had to ask. The talkative, friendly type of people, like Reiji, are the ones I should try to avoid most: right after the drama queens and bullies. If anyone’s going to break me first, it’s going to be him. He seems like a nice person, too, so I shouldn’t drive him away. I don’t need him to be my ‘friend’, the only friend I need is Kiara, but he could definitely be a support beam of sorts for my new life. He’s fun to be around. I don’t want to disgust him.

“You don’t have to answer, I was just wondering.” I look up at him and he smiles. People often think that a smile will blow away everything that’s negative in your life. They’re wrong. And if a smile could do that, a fake smile certainly couldn’t. His smile is fake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. This is the first time I'm actually posting a story so the fact that its being read makes me very happy. :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – Reiji**

We ended up just talking about GCSEs until 10:30, when we got a small break. Wait, no. Correction: I ended up talking about GCSEs and all my words seemed to enter one of Ben’s ears and fly straight out the other. We both sat in the storage room to have a quick snack and the most agonising thing was that we sat in complete silence, which bugged me to death.

“You know,” Ben says. “You don’t have to try so hard to break the silence. I’m used to it. And, quite frankly, I prefer it to noise.”

“Your strange.” He shrugs, taking a bite of the blue-berry muffin he bought from the café. I bring my own to my mouth and take a bite, “Mosht people would fwel awkward in shinensh.”

“Bloody – swallow, then speak!” He shifts away from me. I smile and move closer towards him making sure to take another bite of the muffin and chew with my mouth slightly open. I know it’s disgusting, but I like Benjamin’s reaction. “Yuck! Get away!” He laughs. I laugh too and almost choke on my muffin. He slaps me on the back to stop me from coughing. I don’t know what idiot thought that hitting someone on the back would save them from suffocating on a muffin, but – surprise, surprise – it doesn’t work. “Okay, don’t die on me. I feel like I would be the primary suspect and I’m not looking for the extra publicity.”

“Bug off.” I’m bent over so my chest is on my thighs as I try to catch my breath. I have to look up in order to see Ben smile to himself. The smile lasts for about three seconds before it fades and he looks troubled.

“Umm, we should probably get back to work,” he pushes himself up to walk back into the café but I grab his wrist and pull him back down. For his height and fair amount of body mass, he is weak and easy falls back onto the stone step we were sitting on. “What - what the heck?”

“No one says ‘what the heck’ anymore,” I smile. “And we still have ten minutes of break.” I quickly breathe in before opening my mouth to talk again. “I was just wondering – though you’re probably thinking of working with Kiara, but you don’t know that you can’t work with Kiara since Kiara promised Aya last year that she would work with her – I still have to ask you – you know, in case you’re not thinking of working with Kiara –”

“Back up!” Ben interrupts. “Firstly, who’s Aya? Secondly, never trust Kiara. She doesn’t keep promises, ever. Thirdly, what the hell are you talking about?” I laugh. I do tend to get carried away when my mind is overflowing with things to say.

“Just,” I start. “Will you work with me for the SOS bake sale on Monday. I would work with Tyler or Tae . . . possibly Aya, probably not, but all of them already have someone to work with.” I pause, not sure whether I should continue, but then I say, “And you seem like a fun person to work with.” He turns away from me, but I receive a small shrug in reply.

“Is the bake sale compulsory?” I nod. He sighs, “And what does SOS stand for? It can’t be the ‘Save Our Souls’ bake sale, right? Because that would be seriously random and messed up.” Pause. “Who’s Aya? Who’s Tae? And who’s . . . no, actually, I know Tyler and Kiara. Sadly.” I laugh at the remark. I’m sure he doesn’t mean it, at least not for Kiara, but it’s funny nonetheless.

“SOS stands for ‘Start of School’.” He raises his eyebrow at me. “I know, not original. Aya is a slightly obsessive kpop slash anime fan who is Japanese and technically my closest friend. Tae is –” I stop myself before I say ‘boyfriend’, “Tyler’s Korean minion.” I had to make a lousy joke, otherwise Ben would find the pause suspicious. To put it simply, my closest friends are not open about their relationship and it’s good that they aren’t. Don’t get me wrong: I support them, but, in such an isolated village, gossip spreads faster than wild-fire in a dry forest and gay pride hasn’t quite reached us yet. Upville, is too far north and too far in-the-middle-of-nowhere.

“‘Korean minion?’ Man, your shade throwing’s intense.”

“Sarcasm noted.” It is noted. If you could see Ben’s words and if sarcasm was liquid, Benjamin’s words would be drowning in it.

“God, Kiara told me this school had people from all around the world, but I didn’t think that there would be this much variety.”

“Oh, you haven’t heard the rest of it. My dad is Italian and my mum is Japanese; Tae’s dad’s Korean while his mum is Ukrainian; Aya is fully Japanese; Tyler . . . well, Tyler’s just Tyler.” He smiles.

“Nice. I’m sure Tyler feels very special around you guys.”

“I’m sure he does too!” No, I’m not. How Tyler even ended up with almost all the Asian people in this school is beyond me. He’s even friends with Tae’s older brother, Jae. I know. Cruel parents make their children’s names rhyme. Sometimes I think my parents are cruel, but not quite to public-humiliation cruel. I see a flash of light from the corner of my eye.

CRASH!

It’s lightening. The weather really loves me today, considering I _was_ planning to get home.

“The rain really isn’t dying down, is it?” Ben looks out of the small storage room window.

“Mm-hmm,” I hum. “Hope you weren’t planning to get home today. These things can last twenty-four hours.”

“Ha! That’s not stopping me from getting home.” There’s a small pause. “And I don’t mind working with you if the thing is compulsory, but I do have to warn you that I can’t bake to save my life. So, forgive me if we end up with two burn pancakes instead of a Victoria sponge cake.”

“That’s pretty specific.”

“Though, let’s not make Victoria sponge. It’s overrated.” I smile at that.

“Boys!” Betty calls from the serving area. “There are too many customers for me alone.”

“Coming!” I yell back. That’s when I realise that this entire time my hand was wrapped around Benjamin’s wrist. We look at each other for about a second before we awkwardly separate. That’s doesn’t stop me from chuckling though. Bunny gives me a disapproving frown before shaking his head. The corners of his mouth slightly curve upwards as he throws on the long, black apron and steps out of the storage room.

I follow.

*/*/*

“Ugh! Would. You. Stop!” I yell. Funny thing is: I’m yelling at the rain; my forehead is pressed against the cold glass of the café’s front window.

“I don’t know how far yelling at the rain will get you,” Ben says. He’s been making comments like that for the past fifteen minutes and it’s really not funny anymore.

“Okay! I’ve had enough!” I walk to the front door and open it, but as soon as the ice-cold wind hits my skin I let the door fall shut. I don’t even want to imagine how cold the rain will be if the wind alone causes me to shiver.

“Look at the bright side,” Benjamin smirks.

“Careful,” I warn him. I know an insult is coming my way any second now.

“Maybe the rain will help you tame the crow that is trapped atop your head.” He laughs at his own joke.

“I prefer to think of it as a dead raven for your information.” I fake a pout and his laugher increases.

“Because that’s so much better.” I did even think I need to explain that this was meant sarcastically.

I don’t have the slightest hope of getting home as I only wore a jumper on my wat here and that will get soaked through with the lovely British weather we’re having. Ben was sensible and wore a raincoat, but it’s super thin and he will freeze to death if he steps outside. Even though the café closes at midday (a.k.a. fifteen minutes ago) there are still tonnes of people trapped inside, including myself and Ben.

“Really, your best bet now is to just race to the closest house of which you know the owner to.” Ben looks extremely uninterested as he says this.

“Well,” I say. “I live fifteen minutes away, uphill, and I don’t know the address of anyone who lives closer –” I cut myself off as I realise that Tae’s house is literally two streets away. “Hey, Bunny.”

“Call me by my name or shut up. The choice is yours.” I take a few steps towards him and reach out to pull the hoodie of his raincoat up.

“Hope you don’t mind getting slightly soaked.” I don’t wait for a reply. I grab his hand and pull him out of the café.

Curse me! Curse my idiocy! Because, before I can get through two streets of freezing rain, I’m sure to die from hypothermia. I keep running past the old-fashioned houses, jumping from one stone to the other on the cobbled streets to stop myself from slipping. Bunny tries to mimic my movements, but he slips a couple of times resulting in me falling back on top of him more times than I could care to count. Bunny’s hands are about as cold as the rain and his glasses are blurry. I allow myself a sigh of relief as we finally reach the door.

**Benjamin**

“You’re a bloody idiot. You know that, right?” I couldn’t hold the words back as Reiji fished a pair of keys from his pocket. His hands shake as he adjusts the key so it slides easily into the keyhole. Then he does that awkward bit where you try turning the key both ways but nothing move. He tries the other key, but that one doesn’t budge either. I desperately watch him and then decide to snatch the key from his hand. The rain is still strong and cold: very, very cold. He says nothing as I slip the first key back into the keyhole and easily turn it clockwise. I glare at him.

“S-sorry,” he shivers. His black hair is considerably long when it hangs down in straight, soaked streaks. I can barely make out his face because of the rain droplets that collected on my glasses and eyelashes. Rain and glasses is probably the worst combination possible. We both step inside at once and manage to get stuck in the doorway. However, neither of us gives in so we both end up on the ground with a cold puddle forming around us. Reiji kicks the door shut and, straight away, the warmth of the house hits us. We lay on the ground as every muscle feels completely paralysed by the sudden change in temperature. The puddle around us doesn’t seem to get any warmer so we end up having to stand up and undress anyway.

“Here,” Reiji says as he opens the cupboard for coats and shoes in the hallway and manages to find two towels. I climb out of my raincoat, somehow my turtle-neck still found a way to get soaked underneath the protective layer. From the corner of my eye I watch Reiji trying to force his way out of the wet jumper he’s wearing, but he ends up pulling his shirt off too as all the layers of clothing are stuck together in a soggy mess. Perfectly sculpted muscles are revealed under honey-tan skin.

“Dude, keep the t-shirt on at-least.” I make the movement of my arm to cover my eyes as exaggerated as it can get. That is quite difficult when you are shivering like someone has stuffed your pants with ants.

“Oh, come on,” he jokes. “Don’t be shy.”

“Get lost,” I snarl. He laughs and bends down. The movement of him collapsing on the ground while trying to strip off the wet, body tight jeans is unexpected. “Could you not have waited to get to your room before you strip entirely?”

“I’m not ‘stripping entirely’. And this isn’t my house therefore I don’t have a room here.” I feel slightly ashamed for Rei as he is now half- naked in some random person’s house. He seems to have noticed my expression as he smiles and says, “Don’t worry, it’s the house of a close friend.”

“I don’t care. Put your jeans back on. No one will be happy to find a half-naked teenager in their house.”

“Even with my handsome body and irresistible face.”

“It’s fair to say that plenty of people seem to be resisting and I don’t see how your looks change the fact that – Oh, I don’t know – your standing with no trousers on in a stranger’s house!”

“Chill out.” God, I want to punch this guy when he smiles like that. “This is Tae’s house. Everything’s chill.”

“Don’t say ‘chill’. It sounds stupid.” He doesn’t seem to take notice as he grabs my hand and pulls me down the hallway and up the thankfully carpeted stairs. We leave the massive puddle in the entrance way. We pass several doors before he pulls be up a second set of stairs. It’s unusual for these houses to have more than two floors, but this house seems slightly older than my brother’s. Everything is neat and tidy, but it has this country-house feel to it: with large landscape paintings decorating the walls and several fake, decorative antlers hanging on the walks. I hope they’re fake, I never found the appeal of decorating your house with parts of animal corpses anyway.

“Tae!” Reiji calls as he flings the only door on the upper floor open. “I hope you don’t mind –” He stops midsentence and I can see why. I wish I hadn’t seen why. There is the guy I met earlier sitting on the edge of the large bed in the middle of the room – Tyler, I think. On his lap, facing towards him sits a smaller guy. He almost looks like he could be a porcelain doll: gorgeous greyish eyes; neat, curly black hair; and snow-white skin. In fact, he would fit perfectly to play Snow White if she was male.

The problem is that they’re not just sitting there. The smaller boy – who I assume is Tae – has his fingers tangled in Tyler’s light brown hair with the bleached roots in a visible mess and their lips were previously pressed together. The only evidence of the kiss remaining is the thin and barely visible string of saliva that still connects the two.

“. . . I brought over a friend,” Reiji finishes his sentence.

_“I wasn’t meant to see this,”_ I think. _“I really wasn’t meant to see them kissing.”_ I stop myself from thinking of what to do next, I just do it. If I don’t act when it counts I’ll miss the moment. I snatch my wrist away from Reiji, it seems him holding my hand has happened way too many times in the last few minutes. I rush down the stairs away from Reiji, but I hear him following me. It’s better if I’m not here.

“Ben wait!” Reiji yells from behind me, placing a hand on my should and forcing me to turn to face him. “Let me explain.”

_“What’s up with this guy?”_ “There’s nothing to explain,” I state bluntly. “Don’t worry, I won’t say a word about it. This place doesn’t seem to be too homo friendly.” It’s meant as a joke, but I know I’m bang on. I hear the rain die down outside.

**Tae**

“I suppose he’s homophobic then, huh,” Tyler says. “You know, it’s not really a surprise in this village. Most of the damn buggers are.” I know what he means: my granny is understanding and she is probably the only lady past 70 in this entire village who is fine with LGBT+ relationships. She accepts Ty and me and that’s all that matters.

“Hmm,” Rei hums in response. We have all cleaned up the pool that the two brought into the house earlier and decided to have a drink of coke. However, I’m the only one drinking coke while Tyler and Rei sip on water. Their extreme dedication to sport deems coke unworthy of even being considered a drink. Rei looks disappointed, which is occasionally nice to see but oddly out of character for such a small matter.

“The question is,” I speak out.

“To be or not to be?” Tyler interrupts. I slap him on the back of his head, just as granny does when I say something stupid.

“Why you care so much,” I correct him then look at Rei. Tyler rubs at the hurt area and whines.

“Don’t worry Ty. You haven’t got many braincells to lose anyway,” he jokes to avoid the question.

“Rei?” I warn. He sighs.

“I don’t. I just,” he pauses to think. “I just though he was fun. That’s really it. I mean, I’ve got you guys, but you’re always together; I’ve got other friends, but their so basic it’s like they’ve been mass-produced in a factory; and I’ve got Aya. . . she doesn’t count though. She’s too weird to be human, one day we’re gonna discover that all this time she was just an alien sent to earth to destroy the human race through bad taste in music and brain exploding shrieks.” He realises that he’s trailed of topic and shakes his head to clear up his thoughts. “It was just refreshing to be with Ben for a bit. He’s different, but not Aya-different.”

“I know what you mean,” Tyler agrees.

“You’re not exactly normal, Ty, so you don’t have the right to talk,” I say. It’s true. Tyler is something special in every aspect of the word.

“Thanks, babe.” He puts his hand on my hip and pulls me under his arm, kissing me on the cheek. I feel my cheeks boiling up as I blush. I hate it when he calls my ‘babe’, but something about the word makes me feel fuzzy in the head.

“You guys are really too touchy today,” Rei says.

“Pee off.” Yeah, Tyler is an innocent child who says that sort of thing with a smile on his face.

“Nice,” Rei nods. “Real mature.” Rei walks over to the kitchen counter and leans his back against it. He is wearing the extra pair of red sweatpants and white t-shirt that he always keeps at my house in case of emergencies. Surprisingly enough, these ‘emergencies’ seem to occur rather often as he regularly wears the clothes around my house. He gulps down the rest of his water. I allow myself to watch how his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows and a thin trace of water misses his mouth as it rolls down his chin and rests at the base of his neck. When he’s done, he’s eyes stare outside. The rain has fully stopped and it finally looks like day-time though it’s already past one o’clock, we went the last couple of hours with no sunshine at all.

“I’ll leave now.” Rei collects what he needs and less than a minute later I hear the heavy, front door shut behind him.

“He seemed really upset, huh,” Tyler breathes into my ear. It sends a pleasant shiver down my spine.

“Not really, just a little,” I say back. His fingers link at the base of my stomach as his arms wrap around me. They’re strong, warm, familiar, and safe. It’s the best place in the world.

“I really want to hold my angel like this at school, so they could all see and know that you belong to me.” I know that he is speaking to himself, but I decide to reply anyway.

“They don’t need to know,” I smile, tilting my chin up so I can look up into his eyes. “I all yours and your all mine. We’re the only people who need to know.” His sky-blue eyes seem to sparkle – they’re not Britain sky-blue, they’re someplace-nice-and-exotic sky-blue. Britain sky-blue is too grey for his vibrant eyes.

“I love you so damn much, Tae.” His lips soon press against mine to continue what we started upstairs. We’re in a weird upside down position, but it’s nice and that’s really all that I have time to care about. I’d rather spend my time thinking of Tyler and the fact that he’s kissing me. Of course, it would be nice to have the whole school – have the whole world know that we’re dating, but I don’t think the world cares enough and I don’t need its approval on the matter. All I need is granny, Tyler, and the alone time granny gives us.

Our love story isn’t ‘Romeo and Juliet’, it isn’t your basic gay romance, it isn’t a boring princess tale because it’s finally real and it’s finally our story. We don’t need things happening all the time, we don’t need adventures or magic to be together, we don’t need to be _accepted_ by everyone. All this involves is Tyler and me, no one else has a say. Because. It’s. Ours.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was just really happy to get my first comment, so I decided to post another chapter.

**Chapter 6 – Benjamin**

I don’t feel disturbed or disgusted by the fact that I just saw two guys kiss. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me at all, but I feel like I’ve just stepped into their world and I’m not supposed to be in their world. If you image a picture drawn with beautiful, vibrant water colours, I’m the dark drop of colour that you get when too many of the pretty colours mix together. I feel like I’ve created that imperfection in their relationship and that may seem farfetched, but I know what it’s like when a secret gets out. . . or when you’re stupid enough to trust someone with a secret. A secret is not something that others should know. It’s precious when it’s hidden, but it’s utterly useless when people know.

I can tell that the stress of the thoughts is getting to me. I rub circles with my thumb onto my palm and I’ve been doing that for the last ten minutes. I feel like a broken machine, like the small loops that everyone has in their life are so much bigger in my life. The skin on my palm feels like it’s burning, but I stay seated on my bed. It’s so silent, it’s almost too silent. Just almost.

My wet clothes are already in the washing machine and I’m wearing a pair of pyjamas. I don’t really know why you would want to wear anything other than pyjamas on the weekend. I hear my name being called in the distance: it’s either Aaron or Jenna. I yell back, but I get no reply. I hear my name being called again. I swear everyone in my house is deaf. _“How can you not have heard me?”_ I hear footsteps approaching my bedroom door.

“Ben.” It’s Aaron, he’s standing in my doorway.

“Hmm?” I reply, slightly looking up at him.

“Would you mind going down to the shopping centre? We’re out of milk.” He sounds about as interested as those people who talk about animals in all those documentaries. Except David Attenborough. David Attenborough is awesome.

“Go ask Jenna, I just got back from a tempest.”

“It wasn’t a tempest,” he laughs.

“Go ask Jenna,” I repeat.

“You need some fresh air and exercise, Jenna doesn’t.”

“I think I got enough of British weather for today.” I pause, then continue, “And I think you need more exercise then me.” At that he glares at me.

“Oh, you! Come here.” Aaron seems to run at me with all his might before jumping onto the bed and jumping on top of me. It hurts. Like HELL, it hurts.

“Get off me!” I laugh.

“No. Not unless you go shopping.” Aaron is about as skinny as anyone else in our family, but, God, is he heavy. His hands reach up to my sides and tickle me. I laugh harder.

“Fi – fine! I’ll – go! Just get off!” I manage to say – yell – between huffs of air. He finally gets off and I proceed to get changed once he leaves with an idiotic smile plastered on his face. Aaron is the very cringey type of older brother everyone wants to have, but if you have one you simply pray to God that he won’t embarrass you somewhere important.

I make my way through the kitchen / living / dining room and into the hall to slip on a pair of shoes. Any shoes as long as their mine and they match. I have no sense of style, Kiara always puts things together for me. I call out as I leave the house, making sure my phone and wallet are safely in my pocket. It’s strange that a small village like Upville would have its own shopping centre, but it does; it’s small, but it exists.

“Ah, so we’re neighbours then,” an annoyingly familiar voice rings through my eardrums. Reiji. All I needed to make my day.

“Could you get lost, I don’t have time for this.” He seems to be leaving the house just one house over from my brother’s.

“That’s not nice, Bunny,” he says giving me a fake whimper and pout. He jogs towards me. It’s so easy to do as houses in Upville don’t really have a front loan. The streets are just made up of house, sidewalk, and house again. The houses have gardens, but those are pitifully small. “Where’re you heading when it’s almost lunch-time?”

“Shopping.” I don’t know why I answer.

“Well, we can go together then,” he holds up some empty plastic bags for me to see.

“Go to hell.”

He follows me.

*/*/*

I’m grateful that he went with me. I have no sense of direction in this village and I think I took the wrong turn about five times during the short descent down the hill. I think he knows that I would probably have ended up in Newcastle by now without him.

“See?” Reiji says. “I’ve been a huge help.” He nudges me in the rib with, what looks like, no force at all, but I think I’ve just been hit by a hungry bear. The guy is to fit for his own good – or my own good. Either way, it’s not good.

“My point still stands. Go to hell.” He smiles. Most NORMAL people would have given up by now, but he doesn’t bat an eyelid.

“I made a mental note of everything we need. Whose house are we going to?”

“Huh?” I’m confused.

“For the SOS bake sale, Bunny.” His clarification is followed by him patting me on the head. People in this village are unnaturally touchy and it bothers me. Is this something everyone does on an everyday basis or do I just attract all the abnormals everywhere I go?

“So, what are you planning to bake?”

“‘We,’” he corrects me. His hand is still on my head. I push away, but that only gets his fingers trapped in one of the knots that you should never try to undo. He chuckles as he removes his hand. I place my hand on the slightly burning roots. Curly hair is not a blessing, not my hair anyway.

“May I remind you that I do not cook.”

“The point is to have fun.”

“So we can just have a tray of carbon at the end instead of actual food?” He chuckles.

“I’m too good a chef for that to happen,” he praises himself.

We finally reach one of the corner Tesco shops and as I pick up two cartons of milk, I see Reiji buying out half of the shop.

“I’m not helping you carry that,” I say as we pay for the purchase.

“Pff, yeah right.” He loads the plastic bag that I’m carrying with all kinds of packaging that I suppose has chocolate of some sort inside.

“What do you need so much chocolate for? I bet you could feed all the starving children in Africa with this.”

“Chocolate fudge cupcakes require more chocolate than you think . . . at least my recipe does.”

“You certainly would come anywhere near solving child obesity with you cooking skills then.”

“Ha! Wasn’t planning to, but I think an extra kilo or so wouldn’t hurt you.” I glare at him and he sticks his tongue out, but otherwise we just keep walking. “I hope you don’t mind us baking at your house. Mine is a mess at the moment.” I nod, maybe Aaron will finally believe that I do know other people besides Kiara in my new school. There is that usual moment of awkward silence. If a usual conversation can be described as a tennis match, this is the moment when one side misses the ball and someone must serve again, but no one can decide who. “So . . . about earlier.” Should have guessed this was coming.

“Reiji, I’m really not interested.” He looks surprised. Did he expect me to want to know more about Tae and Tyler? “What?”

“I think that’s the first time you’ve actually said my name.”

“Oh, fuck off with your sentimental bullshit.” I feel slightly annoyed. “Because it’s so unusual for a person to say someone’s name for the first time on their first day on meeting each other.”

“So dramatic!” I shoot him a death glare. He breaks out into a fit of laugher. “No one calls me ‘Reiji’, by the way. It’s really just ‘Rei’.”

“You know, ‘Bunny’ isn’t really my name either. Only Kiara calls me that, and Aaron occasionally.”

“Who’s Aaron?” I should’ve just stayed quiet. Now I need to talk about my family.

“Aaron’s my brother.” I see Reiji open his mouth to ask another question, but I step in front of him and hold a finger up to my lip. “No more questions about Aaron.” He opens his mouth again. “Or anyone else in my family,” I cut him off. Now it’s his turn to take a step towards me and cover my mouth with his hands.

“Okay, I get it! Stop interrupting.”

“Gross! Get your hands of my face!” I push his hands away from me and start to run up the hill.

“There you go again! I am not gross!” He’s yelling after me and I can tell that he’s starting to run too. I regret the sudden exercise. I may be able to run towards the pull of gravity – or tumble towards it’s pull at least – but I don’t have enough energy to defy its force, especially with such speed. And if anything, Rei is very, very athletically fit. Him and his body can both burn in hell.

**Reiji**

There is something about Ben that makes me think that he’s hiding himself. I don’t know how to explain it. It feels like there is a real him that is hidden behind this mould of impenetrable bad attitude and dis, but occasionally the real him can seep through little cracks in the mould. Now, don’t get me wrong, the real Ben is still a mass of bad attitude and dis, but he seems easier to talk to and he’s the only that will laugh and smile. Like the one in front of me right now.

“No! Stop it with the flour!” Ben shouts as I dump another serving cup of flour onto his head. He manages to collect some of his curls and flick it onto my face.

“Ah! You got it in my eye!”

“You deserve it! Bloody idiot!”

“You’re a bloody idiot,” I mumble. He scraps some of the flour of the kitchen counter and places his hands flat on my hair. “Bunny! That will take forever to get out!”

“Yeah, that’s the point.” The timer beeps to let up know that we should get the cupcakes out of the oven unless we want to serve coal at the bake sale. Ben hands me a pair of neon pink oven gloves so I could get the tray out. I frown at the neon pink atrocity in my hands. “They’re Kiara’s.”

“Ah, that explains everything.” I bent down to pull the tray out, an overwhelming sweet scent hits me as I open the oven. I do the usual stick-the-toothpick-in-the-food-to-check-if-it’s-cooked thing and I just pray that they didn’t over cook. They’re really so I pull them out. “Hey, you really didn’t lie when you said you couldn’t cook,” I laugh as I remember how we spent the afternoon.

“Shut up.”

The doorbell rings and Ben heads to answer it. He probably forgot that he still has flour in his hair, on his face, and all over his turtle-neck that he is sprinkling all over the house as he walks. Well, it’s his problem anyway. I don’t understand, though, how he can wear a turtle-neck inside the house. I mean: it’s September and Britain is freezing in September, but it’s not turtle-neck freezing; his house is heated and it’s almost boiling; and we were just cooking, which is equivalent to standing near the oven for about an hour, it’s bound to make you sweat. And yet, he seems fine. I hear the front door shut and Ben walks in carrying three boxes of pizza. Upville doesn’t have many services, but it has the bare minimum. That includes: the church, the small shopping centre, cafes and pubs owned and ran by one family each, the large new hospital, a junior school, a senior school, babysitting, car washing, dog walking, some other stuff, and, of course the most important, pizza delivery. The pizza delivery motorcycles are probably the only proper vehicles to touch the village streets. Honestly, after this list, I should call Upville a town, but Upville is literally named so for being a **vill** ag **e** that goes **up** a hill and calling it a town would just be wrong. It was initially a village, but then more people wanted to live here so more woods were cut down to have more living space and more services were set up and it seems to still be growing.

“Okay,” Ben sighs, placing the pizzas on the large dining table. “Peperoni, margarita, or capricciosa pizza?”

“Ah, those are from my dad’s restaurant.”

“They obviously would be since Mr Tanaka’s restaurant is the only place here that sells and delivers pizza.”

“You know I only said that to show off that my dad is an Italian chef, I wasn’t actually surprised. You rained on my parade.” I mumbled the last part, but from the looks of it, Ben heard me and he smiled.

“That’s my speciality.” I smirk to myself. “And by the way,” he says. “Your hair looks even more messed up when there’s tonnes of flour in it.”

“Oh, and who do I have to thank for that?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ben gives me an innocent look, with a look like that you could easily convince a teacher that your dog ate your homework – your cat in Ben’s case. I noticed a beautiful Siamese cat wondering around the kitchen earlier.

“Damn you,” I say and Ben smiles. It’s the closed lip type of smile, where his eyes squint slightly and they look gentle, unlike his usual scowl. “And you look so much better when you smile like that.” I try to compliment him, but as soon as the words leave my mouth I see Ben’s smile disappear. He looks scared and I see him shiver, but then he collects himself up. His eyebrows furrow.

“What pizza are you gonna have, idiot?”

“Hey! I’m actually pretty smart. (Thanks to my mum’s expectations of me.)”

“Pizza, idiot?”

I sigh, “Capricciosa is the nicest one. And then we can ice the cupcakes. They need to cool off first.”

“Are you boys planning to eat now?” A tall man enters the kitchen. He looks too young to be Ben’s dad so I assume he’s a brother, presumably Aaron. They look very similar to each other: they’re both tall, on the skinny side, too pale skin, light-brown eyes, and just an attractive face in general. However, the man has straight light-brown hair that is cut short, while Ben’s blonde curls fall around his face and cover half of his neck. Also, Ben wears these dark rimmed, large glasses that bring some much-needed colour to his face, but that’s beyond the point.

“Umm,” Ben says. “Reiji, this is Aaron. Aaron, Reiji.” He gestures at each one of us when necessary, but he stares at the ground as if the introduction was embarrassing. I see Aaron give Ben an adoring grin as he walks over to me to shake my hand.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he says politely. I think I like this guy. It’s kind of creepy how different he is from Ben.

“You, too.” The handshake is slightly awkward.

“I would love to stay and chat, but I need to take Queen Elizabeth II to the vet.” I’ve never been more confused in my life. Even circle theorems have nothing on the sentence that just left Aaron’s mouth. Aaron seems to fiddle with something in the kitchen and he’s out of the door before I can say anything. I give Ben a confused look.

“What the hell?” He brings his hand up to his mouth to cover a smile before he speaks.

“Queen Elizabeth II is Aaron’s cat,” he chokes out between minor chuckles.

“I’m sure the queen sees it as a great honour for your cat to be named after her,” I joke.

“Aaron’s cat,” he corrects. “That devil of a cat is not mine.” He flips open the top pizza box and offers me a slice, I take it. “Mm,” he hums as a string of cheese stretches between his lips and the pizza. I laugh. “It’s not funny,” he says when he manages to bite off the cheese. I hear light footsteps coming down the stairs and soon a beautiful girl is standing in the kitchen.

“Hi, Benji,” she says as he gets a plate from the kitchen and loads about six slices of pizza onto it. I don’t believe anyone could eat that much. “Your friend?” ‘Benji’ hums in response as his mouth is occupied with the pizza. The girl doesn’t seem to require a response as she takes the pizza and heads upstairs.

“Woah! Who’s that?” I ask when she’s gone. Okay, the girl was certainly not flawless and she was definitely not my type, but she was pretty enough to deserve the ‘Woah’.

“Gross! Don’t tell me you have the hots for my sister. Bleh!”

“I don’t. And is ‘gross’ your favourite word or something?”

“Only when I’m talking about you,” he fakes a smile. “Her name’s Jenna, she’s two years older than us.”

“She seems kind of cold, no?” Ben looks hurt by this. “Sorry,” I apologise. It seems like I’ve hurt him too many times in the one day we’ve known each other. He looks at me with a disproving glance.

“For what?” This catches me by surprise.

“Umm . . .”

“Exactly!” Ben smiles, picking up another slice of pizza. “If you have no reason to apologise then don’t.”

“But you seemed hurt.”

“That’s just my natural look,” he says, taking a bite. I stuff my slice of pizza into my mouth to catch up to him and bite off half of the new piece. He frowns, “Is this a competition?”

“That depends on how you react,” I smirk, giving him a challenging look. The best you-know-I’m-gonna-beat-you look that I can pull off.

“Oh, you’re on!” Ben finishes his second slice. Both of us dive into the pizza boxes, tearing them apart and shoving every piece of pizza into our mouths. It goes on like this until there is only half of the last pizza left.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” I laugh and immediately regret the action as it makes me want to throw up more.

“Whose fault do you think that is?” He points a blaming finger at me and mouths, _“You!”_

“I think you’re as much to blame as me,” I laugh. Am I drunk on pizza? Why am I laughing so much?

“Fair enough.” A beeping noise comes from the timer to tell us that the cupcakes are ready to be iced. Both of us groan at the memory that there is still more work to be down. As we started to ice the cakes, I found out that Ben is way better at icing than I am. His cupcakes actually look even, whereas mine look too lopsided to even be considered cupcakes anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning to post during the weekend, but Saturday and Sunday were very busy. So, here it is . . .  
> (This does happen a month after everything in the previous chapter.)

**Chapter 7 – Jenna**

Benji has been spending the last month around that kid who’s always in our living room. They seem to get along well: Benji helps the boy with his homework and in return we get splendid, warm dinners every evening. The boy constantly teases Benji, but he also tends to bring him cakes. If anyone brings Benjamin cakes, they’re his friend. Benji seems to be improving. He opens up to the boy, at least as much as he trusts himself to.

I, on the other hand, keep everyone at school at arm’s length. Some kids in school did try to get close to me in the last month, but it’s much easier to keep people away from you if you simply don’t smile and look cold. However, that may attract some of the stereotypical goths and rebels.

“Hey!” I hear a voice behind me, I keep walking as its highly unlikely whoever is called is directing their call at me. “Hey! New girl . . . Jenna!” I turn back at this. There’s a girl running up to me. The girl is wearing nothing, but a thin shirt and jeans even though it’s cold enough for me to see her breath. I burry my face in my scarf at the sight. The girl runs closer to me, but before she can speak she bends over putting her hands on her knees to catch her breath. As I look closer at her I find that the girl is on the slightly over-weight side, just enough for very visible curves. Her skin is a beautiful deep colour and her hair is tied back into a messy ponytail.

I open my mouth to speak, but she just holds her finger up, I close my mouth. She stands higher, but still struggles to breath. “I . . . was wondering . . . since your good at studies . . . you might be able to . . . help me.” Her sentence is entirely broken up by deep breathes and she rests her hands by her sides due to obvious cramps.

_“How are people so direct and talkative in this village?”_ I think to myself. I shake my head, “Sorry. Who are you?”

She smiles, her teeth are pearl white, “Sage Milton. Your classmate.”

“I don’t recognise you.” Sometimes it annoys me how similar my behaviour is to Benji’s. “What exactly do you want? I’d rather not freeze to death out here.”

Her smile brightens, “Direct and to the point, I like it.”

“Can’t say the same about you.”

“Ha! I just need some help with the big science project. I would ask someone else, but I know science is, like, your thing, so, you know.” I think for a moment. From what I remember of this girl, which isn’t much, she’s close friends with a Korean guy in school called Jae. [Jae was mentioned before as being Tae’s older brother.] He looks like the know-it-all type of kid.

“Couldn’t your guy-friend help you?”

She thinks for a second and then answers with, “Ah, but that guy-friend of mine is the reason I wanted you to help.” She winks at me.

_“So, that’s the reason,”_ I think. _“Some guy probably has developed a crush on me in a short month and a bit and now wants to get to know me closer.”_ “Sorry, ask someone else.” I turn around and walk quickly away. Sage doesn’t chase after me so I gradually slow down.

For the past month, I’ve been enjoying the short walks I take in the chilly mornings to clear my head, I’ve been enjoying the view of the old houses as I walk past, and I’ve been enjoying how I hop from one stone to the other on the narrow streets. I particularly like finding new narrow passages between the houses with stairs that either lead up or down the hill. The small places make me feel like I’m lost in my own world, all alone. I think I deserve that fate. I wouldn’t have said that a year ago, back then I still hoped for the best for myself.

I’m a bad person.

An immoral person.

I-

do-

not-

deserve-

happiness.

I’m not worth those feelings and I shouldn’t have to drag other people down with my own wickedness.

My brothers know.

My parents know.

I don’t deserve it.

**Reiji**

“No,” I say. “Tyler doesn’t like that sort of stuff.”

“What does he like then,” Kiara huffs. “It’s getting really tiring!”

“No one asked you to come along,” Aya says.

“I actually only invited Bunny,” I say to the two disruptive girls. Ben just looks through the different type of art tools in the shop.

“Why do you even need us – me – to shop with you? I mean, you know more about Tyler than any of us,” he says, adjusting his glasses so they sit still on the bridge of his nose.

I sigh, “Tae always gets better presents than me, so, I thought that if I get someone else’s opinion it might help.”

“It’s quite surprising to find out that Tyler is into this artsy stuff. I thought he was all brawn, no brain.” Kiara says this as she digs through a box full of supplies. Ben hits her on the head with a heavy note-book as he shakes his head, she whines in response.

Suddenly, a high-pitched shriek echoes through the shop. Several heads turn towards us.

It’s Aya. Of course, it’s Aya.

“New video! New video!” She’s jumping up and down as she clutches the phone closer to her chest.

“Who died?” Ben teases.

“Fuck off,” Aya fires back. She frowns at Ben, but that quickly morphs into a psychotic grin as she looks down at her phone. Note to self and anyone who isn’t a kpop enthusiast: never try to understand kpop enthusiasts. “Good bye people. I must go to enjoy the new video in solitary confinement with a box of tissues,” she informs us as she leaves the shop and heads towards her house.

“I think the phrase ‘the more the merrier’ isn’t relevant in this situation. Therefore, I will say that I am happy with the outcome of the sudden shriek.” Ben loves to talk like this. It sounds posh and unnatural, but the tone fits him perfectly. “Anyway, there is a canvas and acrylic paint set that may be to Tyler’s liking. I will warn you though that it is expensive.”

“I think we found Ty the perfect present,” I say cheerfully.

“Finally,” Kiara groans.

“No one asked you to come in the first place,” I repeat.

“I am here to make sure that you guys don’t die of boredom. Be glad.”

“Can we go now. I’m hungry,” Ben says as he stands in line for the cashier. We split the cost of the set as the price is painfully large and head out of the store.

“Whose house are we heading to?” I ask, adjusting the heavy set so it sits comfortably in my arms. Sadly, there is no position that I would describe as comfortable.

“Mine’s fine,” Bunny says as we take large strides up the slope. Kiara tries to catch up with up, but it’s difficult with our difference in height.

“Bloody giraffes,” Kiara curses under her breath as she practically runs behind us.

“Don’t worry, squirt, you might catch up some day. Height and stride wise,” I chuckle as I say this. Ben smiles as Kiara hisses.

“Carry me!” Kiara commands as her arms wrap around my neck and she pulls me back almost enough for me to topple over. When my balance is secure, she hops onto my back and her knees dig into my sides. I think I prefer the canvas to Kiara, at least the canvas isn’t trying to make m incapable of walking.

“Get off, frickin hippo!” I try to push her off, while keeping the canvas in my arms.

“What is it with you guys and zoo animals today,” Ben says with a snicker. He looks to calm for my liking. Kiara pulls harder on my neck. This little ball of sunshine is going to be the death of me someday.

“Get Bunny to carry you.” I feel Bunny’s eyes burn holes in me as I use the nickname. A month has passed and he’s still not used to me calling him that, I get away with it sometimes though. “Kiara! I’m not carrying you up the hill!”

“Then Bunny can!” She bounces off me and, within seconds, is pulling on Ben’s neck. Sometimes the name ‘Bunny’ seems more appropriate for the girl who came up with it.

“Get lost, Kiara,” Bunny says as he plants his hand on the top of her head. His arms are long and thin so he can keep her a distance away from himself. I laugh at the sight.

Our fooling around is interrupted by a buzz of a phone. Ben reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a Samsung. He swipes his finger across the screen to see the text. His face goes ghost pale the second his eyes trace the screen. I see a faint reflection of the letters in his glasses, but nothing clear enough to be legible. When some colour returns to his face he fiddles with the text options before switching off his phone and slipping it back into his pocket. He continues walking up the hill without a single word to us through the whole journey.

I’m confused. Kiara looks concerned. Ben looks broken.

Something’s wrong.

*/*/*

Ben been sitting in the same spot on the sofa for the last twenty minutes, staring at a blank TV screen. Meanwhile, Kiara’s eyes haven’t left the back of Ben’s head for the last twenty minutes. I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t know what’s going on so I just occupy myself with cooking. I’m used to cooking at Tae’s, I’ve been cooking at Ben’s for the past month, but I don’t ever think I’ve been in an environment quite as depressing as today.

“Hey, Bunny, maybe I should -” Kiara starts to speak, but she’s quickly cut off.

“You guys can go home. I’m fine.” That’s the worse sentence he could have possibly used. When people say ‘I’m fine’ they are either not interested in talking to you or they are pretending to be fine. In Ben’s case, it’s the latter. “Just go home, please.” Kiara looks at me, her eyes finally leaving the cloud of curls that is just visible over the back of the sofa facing us.

“You go,” I tell her. “I’ll finish up here and then I’ll head home too.” She nods and, without a single word, she’s out the door. I move all the food to safety, so I don’t need to worry about burning something and setting the house on fire, and make my way over to Ben.

I finally see him fully when I walk around the sofa. His knees are tucked to his chest, his breaths are deep and unsteady, his fingers are trembling while they clutch onto his elbows as his arms wrap around his knees, and his eyes look completely dead as they stare at the TV screen as if all the darks secrets of the universe are hidden behind the glass and they will all deteriorate into nothing if he keeps staring. His neck snaps to the side to look at me since he hears my footsteps. His eyes relax and his shoulders shake as his head sinks back onto his knees.

“Ben?” I try asking. I get no answer, so I decide that it’s all right to continue. I sit next to him and pull his hands into my own. He shivers. I know that this isn’t something a typical guy would do; society deems it inappropriate for a guy to comfort another guy like this, but society can be a real pain because I’m helping my friend if it’s the last thing I do. His eyes connect with mine, they look glassy and it feels like Bunny may be on the verge of tears, but I know he won’t let the tears spill. “Ben, how can I help you? What’s wrong?”

It takes him a second, but he regains control of himself. “Sorry, Rei. I’m just overreacting,” he says. I know better than to ask questions, but I care too much to stop myself.

“No, you’re not. One month and a bit may not be so long, but I can tell you’re hiding something -”

“Rei, this isn’t the time -”

“If I don’t ask now, you’ll never tell me.”

“And if you ask now, it won’t be any different.” We both go silent, I know Ben’s right and it hurts to admit it. “Look, it’s something that I’d rather leave behind me. I don’t want my past defining me. I don’t want my past following me around everywhere I go like a cursed shadow because if it does, I know that eventually the real me will be completely hidden by that shadow.” I say nothing. “Sorry, that makes no sense. You don’t get it.”

“No,” I finally say when I find my tongue. “I get it. You don’t need to say anything. I’m sorry for forcing you. I was just worried. Just. Forget it.” I feel his hands slowly slip out of mine and I let them. If I ask Ben about his past, that means I’m chaining him down to it. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt him.

His phone rings and I grab it off the coffee table in front of us before Ben has time to react. Ben looks panicked, but I don’t try to read the text. I place the phone on the kitchen counter, out of his reach. “I think it might be better if you don’t read it.” The text could be from his family member, it could be from Kiara, or one of those usual texts from phone companies; that is no guarantee that it’s the same person as before, but I think I will play safe. I walk back to Ben and sit down next to him. We sit in silence. I stare at him, while he stares straight ahead.

“Don’t worry about it, Rei,” Bunny says, finally looking my way. I’m expecting him to say something light-hearted and cheery even though I know that’s not his style. Instead I get, “It’s my problem, I’ll deal with it.” I hear my heart break at the sentence. Ben looks fragile and the fact that he needs help now, but won’t admit it make him seem small and pitiful.

He’s wearing a white button-down that tightly wraps around his chest and a long grey cardigan: the sleeves are too long and the end of the cardigan is halfway down his thigh. I must admit that it looks cute and innocent. And now I must admit that I just described Ben as cute. I drape my arm over his shoulders and pull him towards me. I feel his shoulders go stiff, but he soon relaxes and leans his head against my shoulder.

“You’re an idiot,” he says, plainly. “I don’t need this.” I can’t help smiling at my success.

“I think you do,” I say, allowing myself to relax and gentle knock my head against Bunny’s.

“Thanks,” he mumbles. I grin like a dork.

“Food?” He nods.

*/*/*

Am I a bad person if I say that I want to push our friendship further just after seeing Ben so emotional distraught. Of course, I am. I don’t even know what I want to get out of telling him how I feel. Is a month enough to make up your mind on whether you have feeling for someone or not? No, but I feel that strange sensation in my stomach when I’m around him. Is it just my mind playing tricks on me?

“Rei, get the green paint for me, would you,” Tyler instructs as the mixes up a combination of black and white paint. I hand him a tube of said green paint. He’s working on a painting of Tae using acrylic paint, he’s been working on it for the past week. All he has left are Tae’s eyes.

“Ty, don’t most people start with painting the eyes?” I ask as I perch on the plain wooden table where Tyler keeps his art supplies.

“Hmm. Most people would start with the face shape and general outline of the most prominent figure.” Tyler only ever talks like this when it’s art related. If this was something else he would go back to teenager grammar and vocab: LOL, BTW, etc. “I prefer to draw in the eyes last, I feel like they’re the thing the painting needs to come to life and you can’t bring it to life if you haven’t drawn the rest of it. Plus, the eyes are the most fun to draw so I save them for the end.”

Ty grabs a pencil and sketches in the positioning of the eyes. He then spreads a thin layer of white acrylic paint so it perfectly covers the skin tone layer underneath. He then darkens the outline of the eye to make it pronounced. And here is where the magic begins. He plays around with the various shades and tones of green and grey: he makes the outermost part of the iris dark and vibrant and makes his brushstrokes noticeable inside the iris. He waits for some of the paint to dry and finishes off the painting by adding in the pupil with a solid black and adding white into the iris to show light reflecting off the eye. It really is amazing how realistic the whole thing looks, especially the eyes. Tyler sits back on his stood to admire his work.

“I’m guessing that you’re done, so, shall we go cut up those pumpkins?” I ask. He raises his eyebrow at me, confused. “It’s Halloween soon,” I remind him. “Most people have already put out their pumpkins.” Half of this is true, the other half is a lie. Halloween is still twenty days away, which is enough time for those pumpkins to rot three times over, but people have indeed already started decorating.

“Yes!” Tyler skipped into the kitchen with excitement completely fuelling his movement. I chuckled to myself and followed suit. Thoughts of Ben had been flooding my mind for the last two hours, since I left him alone. I had to leave for my water polo lesson with Tyler and then we both headed to Tae’s house. Tyler has been spending less and less time with his own parents. He hasn’t gone home for the last month and a bit of school. It’s much easier for the guy here: Tae’s grandma doesn’t bat an eyelid at their relationship, Ty gets to spend all his time with his boyfriend, and he gets to paint whenever he wants to.

“Rei,” Tae’s grandma comes over to give me a pat on the head as I enter the kitchen; it’s difficult as she’s a short lady and I’m about twice her height. Tae looks at me from the kitchen and gives a little, encouraging smile. Tae’s grandma has always loved me for some unknown reason so I’m used to having to bend down for her to pat me. I feel like I’m some sort of puppy.

“Tae, pumpkin!” Tyler commands as he climbs onto a stood in front of a high table, knife in hand, ready to carve. It’s a frightening look. Ty is already well-built, he doesn’t need the knife to add to the overpowering quality. “Rei, get your bum over here! Let’s start carving!”

“Chill, dude!” I laugh at his excited nature.

“He doesn’t have any chill,” Tae deadpans in his usual monotonous voice, but a smile shatters his façade. He can never keep his mask up around Tyler, but, then again, Ty can shatter anything. Ty decides he can’t wait anymore so he grabs a pumpkin himself and proceeds to cut the top off first.

“Hey, wait up!” I pick out one of the two pumpkins remaining and follow Tyler, Tae isn’t far behind. Ty has this thing about getting his hands dirty, he loves it. He digs his fingers into the disgusting mushy stuff inside the pumpkin and starts to scoop it out. Tae and I feel like vomiting from the sight alone, so we use spoons instead.

“So,” Tae starts. “Rei, what did you do for most of this morning?”

I think back, “I went shopping for Ty’s present-”

“La la la la la!” Tyler cuts he off, covering his ears. He always does this when it comes down to his presents.

“-with Bunny, Kiara, and – kind of – Aya.” I finish, ignoring the obnoxious yelling. Both Tyler and Tae look at me. “What?” I ask.

“I mean, I get you spending time with Aya. Though not really. Aya is like all of social media stuffed into one person. How many Instagram accounts does she have anyway?” Tyler trails off so I decide to ignore him.

“What Tyler is actually trying to say is,” Tae interferes. “Haven’t you been spending a lot of time with Ben? There no problem with it, we’re just interested.”

“You guys spend a lot of time with him too.” This is true. Tyler absolutely loves Bunny, he loves to tease him in any way possible. Poor Bunny. And Tae feels like he can talk to Bunny freely as Bunny doesn’t mind the very long silent moments that always break up conversations with Tae.

Tyler starts to carve out the mouth for the pumpkin, “Yes, but you’re always around him.”

“Not true,” I say. “I’m not right now.”

Tae sighs, “Fine. Just change the subject.” Tae never changes the subject, he only tells others to do it for him.

“I know!” Tyler yells. “What’s Reiji cooking today?” His eyes look like they will devour me if I don’t offer him food. No one comes between Tyler and food.

“Nothing,” I say. “Today’s my family dinner.”

“Oh! C’mon!” Tyler yells. “You always cook for Bunny.”

“Bunny lives without his parents,” I say.

Tae looks up from his pumpkin. “Do you know why?”

“No,” I say. It’s slightly disappointing to admit. “I don’t think he likes to talk about it.” I look at the clock handing on the wall behind me. 6 o’clock. “Shit! I’m late!” I abandon the pumpkin and hurry out the door, pulling on a coat as I step outside. The sky is quite dark already and the air is chilly. I know that I will reach my house in ten minutes at casual walking speed, so if I run I should get home in less than five. I run. It’s not a problem to run in Upville. There isn’t exactly much chance of getting hit by a car. I do have to watch out for the pizza delivery motorcycles, however.

 

“I’m home!” I yell as I enter the house. “I lost track of time.” I walk through the hallway and into the dining room. Mum and dad are already there, but there not eating. We never start eating until everyone’s there.

“Reiji,” my mum sighs. She turns her head towards me, waiting for a peck on the cheek. I comply before sitting next to her. “Get up!” she yells: it’s the loving type of yelling, but it scares the hell out of me. “Wash your hands right now.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I laugh. I wash my hands and hurry back to dinner.

“Finally,” dad says. “Did you want me and your mum to starve here.”

“I wasn’t that late!”

“Pfft,” my parents agree in unison. God, I love them so much. The thought reminds me of Ben.

“Mum, dad,” I say. “What would be the possible reasons for a teenager to live with his older siblings instead of his own parents?” My parents both go quiet for a second. My dad decides to answer.

“I think it’s fine for a teenager to live with his older siblings without parents if the siblings are of legal age to live alone,” he says. “I just don’t see many reasons for the child to want to do so. I mean, supposing that whatever the reason wasn’t in anyway illegal. Like child abuse.”

_“It’s unlikely that Ben’s parents abused him,”_ I think. _“If that were the case, Jenna and Aaron would have probably been abused too. Jenna does seem sort of cold, but Aaron seems like the sweetest person in the word.”_

“Why the sudden question?” mum asks, bringing me back to reality.

“Oh, it’s our new neighbours actually. They’re all siblings and they live without their parents. I was just wondering.”

My dad nods, “It’s best not to ask: it may be personal.” I agree. “So, today I finally got the email from a close relative containing another menu that I can try out. I heard it was a distant family secret . . .” Dad starts taking about how the restaurant is going and Italian cuisine. I allow myself to lose concentration. I’m not that interested. I’d rather think about Bunny . . . wait, what?!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "They're taking pictures" line will be quite important for the next few chapters.

**Chapter 8 – Benjamin**

_It’s so hard to breath. My body is cold, my heart doesn’t seem to want to keep me alive. It just sits there in my chest, idly pumping the blood to places I don’t need the blood to go. To the open cuts and bruises on my neck and chest. The red liquid decorated my skin in the most perturbing way. The blood isn’t overwhelming, but there’s enough of it for me to recognise the bitter metal taste. They’re nails dig into my flesh. I feel my muscles tense._

_I don’t fight back._

_Why don’t I fight back?!_

_The pain is unbearable. It covers every centimetre of my body like a wave that has entirely enveloped me. It wants to suffocate me, to drown me. I want it to drown me. I see flashes of light above me, I feel the cold cement under my back._

_Am I going crazy?_

_No. They’re taking pictures. They’re filming my misery. They’re laughing. Their smiles reflect the light from the moon. Their eyes are psychotically searching my body for another place to mark. The moon makes their insanity visible. I see their hate for me. I need that hate._

_“Pathetic!” I’m pathetic._

_He watches me, his eyes never leave my body. He finally sees me. I feel a painful burn in my stomach. I feel multiply cuts being torn in my skin. It feels like scorching candle wax is being dripped on my skin, but I feel the affected area flood with blood to remind me that my body is still fighting for life. They’re hands trail to places no one’s ever touched before._

_I hate it! I hate all of them, but I don’t fight them._

_His eyes leave me. He moves away from me until he is just a silhouette surrounded by the black sky, the moon lights his path forward, away from me. He leaves me for dead, for neglected, for needless. I don’t hate him. He broke me, but I don’t hate him. He destroyed my life, he’s the reason my world is collapsing in on itself, but I don’t hate him. I can’t hate him._

_I love him._

_I cry. The tears burn more than the pain because the pain doesn’t make me pathetic, the tears do. I feel the pain because I’m human and there are people who want me to hurt, to break. I cry because I love him, because I’m pathetic and I can’t accept that he hates me. I cry because I care when I shouldn’t care. When I should fight before I break, I cry. They laugh. They cut me, they want to hurt me more. I don’t feel the pain anymore, there is no pain anymore. I feel dead inside._

_The sky decides to join me in my self-pity. It cries with me. Heavy, cold tears that cover my overexposed body. I feel the disgusting heat from their hands and breaths leave me. I feel cold._

_I prefer the cold._

_They leave me. The roads are empty, the ground is cold, wet, and dirty. I’m the only one there, under the crying sky. The moon is gone. It will never light my way to him. I know it. And the sun will never allow me to see him. It breaks my heart to know that he has left me, but I still want to see him. One more time. Just one more._

_All I need to live is his happiness. His smile. I will never see it again. I’ve lost him. He will never be with me again._

_“pathetic”_

_“Pathetic!”_

_“PATHETIC!”_

_PATHETIC!_

_I know! I know, but I can’t change it. I thought he loved me, I thought he care. I was wrong. I need him, but he doesn’t need me. He hates me, I’m disgusting. I’m different. I treat the people who care about me like trash and expect to be treated well by the people I love._

_I’m trash. I deserve to die._

_I love him._

_I hate myself._

_I’d rather die. I don’t need to live. Why am I here?_

*/*/*

“I don’t think hammering the sink will make it work,” I sigh. “Just as punching the toaster didn’t help last time.”

“Shut up,” Aaron says as he proceeds to hammer the tubes under the sink that provided it with water. “There must be a block or something.”

“Just call a Plummer,” Jenna says, leaning against the glass of the shower cabin. The three of us barely ever collect together like this. I never thought one of the few times this happens would be in the shared bathroom. I don’t really know what I’m doing here considering I barely ever use this bathroom. I suppose I came here to witness Aaron battle the sink to get it to work. Last time he decided to have a boxing match with the toaster, which resulted in us having to buy a new toaster. There wasn’t much of the old one left.

“I’m better than a Plummer,” Aaron says.

“You work for free, but you might end up flooding the house resulting in a huge water bill; the Plummer needs to be paid a bit, but he will fix the sink without forcing all of Upville’s tap water to end up here. Yeah, no. I think I prefer the Plummer.” I say this because I’m genuinely concerned for Upville’s water supply.

Aaron sits up, “Fine. Call the Plummer. I need to get back to work anyway.”

“Thank you,” Jenna sighs before heading out of the bathroom to get the landline. The faint noise of keys turning in the lock of the front door echoed through the house before the not-so-faint noise of Kiara’s voice replaced it.

“Bunny!” she yells.

“You’re too happy for a Monday morning.” I tug on the tie of my uniform, asking her to fix it for me. She giggles as she comes up to me to fix it. I can tie ties, but not when I’m wearing the tie; it’s troublesome. My nightmare from last night – not really a nightmare as much as a memory – makes my usually shitty Monday morning all the more shitty.

“We’re leaving!” Kiara calls to Aaron. Jenna will be leaving soon after us, in the past month of school we haven’t left the house together even once. Though, I never walk to school in the morning with Rei either as he always has a sports club in the mornings. Usually.

“Did the thing yesterday work itself out?” Kiara asked. I remember the texts.

“No. I ended up completely switching my phone off and shoving it into the deepest, darkest part of my drawer,” I explain.

“That bad?” I nod. “Tell Aaron.” I shake my head. “C’mon, Ben.” If Kiara doesn’t call me ‘Bunny’ that means she’s frustrated.

“No.” My answer is simple and definite. “Aaron has enough to worry about without me. I don’t want to put additional pressure on him. Plus, I’ve lived through the worst of it. I can survive some texts.”

“I’m worried about you,” Kiara says. I look down at her, she looks up.

_“I love you, Kiara. Why can’t I be in love with you? Nothing bad would have happened if I was,”_ I think. I reach out to take her hand in mine and I squeeze slightly. She smiles and I look away from her, not letting go of her hand.

 

I lied to Kiara. I didn’t hide the phone. The phone is in my pocket. It’s switched off, but that doesn’t prevent me from knowing that every few minutes a new text is sent. Worse than the one before. I’m scared because if they were able to get my phone number, that means they have a plan to ruin my life again. I was lucky enough to get a second chance at life, but I’m not a cat: I don’t think I have enough luck and will power to get nine lives, or anywhere close to that.

“Hey, Ben, you all right?” Rei asks as he places his tray next to mine and slips onto the chair next to me. Tyler, Tae, and Kiara sit opposite us. Kiara shoots Rei a death glare for sitting next to me. I hear Aya yelling at us from the back of the lunch queue about having to wait.

“Umm, yes, I’m fine.” I can tell that my answer isn’t convincing, but, apart from the concerned look, Rei doesn’t push any further.

“Oh! During science, my phone got confiscated,” Kiara starts. We all sigh in unison, Kiara always tries to ignore as much of science as possible by playing on her phone under the desk. Obviously, it never ends well. “No! Stop it! Let me speak!” We go silent. “Jenna called me all like, ‘Benji was acting-’”

“’Benji’?” Tyler asks. _Oh no._ “That’s like a ship name for Ben and Reiji,” he smiles. I feel my cheeks brush. I look over at Rei, but he’s already looking my way. Our eyes lock for a second before both of us glare at Tyler. Tae’s laughter completely shatters the tense atmosphere. The angelic boy laughs less than me so we all just look at him. Completely forgetting what just happened.

“S-sorry,” he says between giggles. “Your reaction was just too cute.” He points at me and all four of them turn to face me.

My cheeks burn with timidity. I straighten my back and clear my throat. “Whatever.”

“Hey! It’s the outcaste table!” The insult was directed at a different table from our own. Relief floods me before I realise who exactly was the target of such bullying.

Jenna. It was Jenna’s table.

The guy yelling was the one I met on the first day of school, Raymond. The other guys and girls sitting at his table snickered at his ‘joke’. Some of them look like A-level students, others look about my age. Raymond point at a boy sitting next to Jenna.

“You, bloody transgender freak!” he yells. Some people around the dining-hall laugh like it’s the funniest thing in the world. Disgusting. Those people disgust me. There is another face I recognise at the table. The boy was often at Tae’s house the few times I came over. Tae introduced him to me as Jae, his older brother. The boy glared past the thin rims of his glasses at Raymond.

“You gonna defend your girlfriend,” another guy from the bully’s table calls out to Jae.

“Would you kindly get lost,” he says, standing up. The girl sitting next to Jae jumps up as well.

“You really got so nerve,” she yells. “Claude hasn’t done anything wrong so you better keep your nose out of other people’s business, even if he was transgender!” I assume that said Claude is the one Raymond decided to bully in the first place. I also assume that he is not transgender and Raymond is just exaggerating the guy’s femininity, but I can’t be sure since I’d rather not get any attention on me and standing up to see the guy would certainly get me that attention. I will only interfere if they hurt Jenna. Though, Jenna can easily protect herself. She’s stronger than she looks.

“No one asked you to get involved, _bitch_.” Oh, God! Here come the swear words.

The girl fires back with her own assortment of words that should never be said aloud and should never be written on paper, but the noise doesn’t die down once she’s finished. The few teachers present in the dining-hall don’t seem to care, but even if they did they wouldn’t be able to do much. Some girl from the bullies’ table yells back in response.

“And look! Your little family is multiplying. How . . . _pathetic_.” I want to rip the person’s head off right then and there. It’s Raymond again and his lame teasing is now directed at Jenna. I stand up. The clatter from the movement sends a few heads turning my way. Kiara reaches out to pull on my sleeve and beg me to sit down, but I ignore her. I ignore the obvious bullying that is happening in my phone right now. All I need to do is knock this guy down a few pegs.

“It’s funny, really, that all your insults are based around homosexuality and various gender issues.” Raymond is close enough, so I don’t need to yell to be heard. “It almost feels like you may be the one struggling with something.” I raise an eyebrow at him. An “ooh” noise travels through the dining-hall from the people who understood where I’m heading with this. “What do you say, Raymond? Are you struggling with your homosexuality? Do people not get you?” He tries to deny what I’m saying, but I speak over him. “Do you have a crush on the guy you were just picking on? Do you want to date him? You can’t get it up for a girl, can you?” I try to make my voice sound apologetic to mock him further. Murmurs spread across the room.

“No! He’s lying!” Raymond yells. His jaw is clenched and he looks like he’s in the verge of exploding with tears. To Raymond’s relief, the bell rings to warn us that the first half of lunch is over. As I sit back down, he slips out of the hall.

“Wow! That was intense!” Rei elbows me with a smile. I give him the best smile I can get, but my knees and hands are shaking like crazy from the stress.

“You see to have a soft spot for the underdogs,” Tyler says.

“I wouldn’t exactly describe you as an underdog, but I suppose I do. Though, they were picking on my sister-” Aya cuts me off as she walks up to our table, tray in hand.

“That hot girl who was swearing back at them was your sister?” She thinks for a second. “You look nothing alike.”

“Because that wasn’t my sister. My sister is the girl sitting next to them, the new girl.” I explain.

“Oh, can your sister introduce me to the hot girl?” I really don’t know how Aya’s brain works.

“Aya, don’t forget that you already have a girlfriend,” Rei laughs.

“It never hurts to have a backup plan. You know, in case things don’t work out.” She winks at us before squeezing in next to Reiji.

“We were just talking about how Ben’s name – Benji – is a ship name between him and Reiji,” Tyler informs Aya. She lifts her eyebrows so high it looks like they just might jump off her face and leave. Can’t blame them, it can’t be easy being with Aya all the time. Aya is more annoying than Kiara. That’s saying something.

“You guys are dating?” She’s pretty dense, too.

*/*/*

There’s no better way to describe the texts other than overwhelming. Each time I block the number, I will get a text from a different number with almost identical context. I could just switch off the phone and not read the messages, but I’m frightened of not knowing what they might do next. What if they make the videos and the photos that they still, somehow, have public? What is they post them on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or any other social media? I’m doomed, gone for good. I can’t let this happen.

I focus on doing my maths homework, looking up every time I feel my phone vibrate through my bedcovers. I never use my desk; all my homework is completed in bed.

Another text.

UNKNOWN: hey ben

UNKNOWN: ive missed u

UNKNOWN: when can we meet up

UNKNOWN: most of the pics from last time were takes away. i want more

A shiver run through my body. I don’t text back; I block the number.

“Why won’t you just leave me alone?” I ask aloud. “Isn’t breaking me once enough for you?” I know it’s dangerous to talk to myself like this - Aaron or Jenna could hear me – but I realise that I want them to hear me. I want them to help me without me having to ask for help. I can’t ask for help. I’m the reason both of them had to move here. I forced so much responsibility onto Aaron. I made Jenna abandon the free-spirited side of her. I split our entire family up. I miss the times we spent together.

More and more texts make my phone react in the same way a person having hearts seizure would. None of them show any signs of bullying or mockery, but that only creeps me out more. I don’t know how to make them stop. My worrying is stopped when the doorbell rings. I’m not that interested in who it is, but I need my mind elsewhere so I decide to use this as a distraction.

“I’ll get it!” I yell. Aaron is upstairs working and Jenna decided to help Tae’s brother out with some science project. I wrap a fluffy, light blue jumper around my shoulders, prepared for the cold air to seep in when I open the door. It’s Rei and he’s holding some sort of box.

“Ta-da!” he says. “Can I come in?”

“Umm, yeah.” I stutter before stepping aside to let him in. He walks straight in, walking over to the living room area, and he places the box on the short coffee table in the middle on the sofas.

“Could you get a plate, a knife and a fork?” he says as he sits done on the carpeted floor instead of the sofa.

“One of each?” I ask. He nods. I do as I’m told and then make myself comfortable on the floor next to him. He lifts the cover of the box revealing a delicious chocolate cake. I lick my lips in anticipation. Rei laughs at me and I gently punch him in the arm. His hands are magic so I probably shouldn’t break them, not that I would be able to. “What for?” I ask, gesturing at the ‘gift from God’ in front of me. Let’s just say that if there is a God, his gifts to me have never been very good.

“No reason,” he shrugs. Cutting a generous slice of the cake and placing it on the plate for me to try. I thank him and dig in. “The whole thing at lunch time got kind of crazy.” I feel his eyes watching me as I eat.

“Some people are idiots, it’s as simple as that.”

“Guess so,” he nods. His eyes are still on my and I feel out of place. I dig my fork into the cake before holding it up for him.

“Umm,” my face heats up. “D’you want some?” He smiles, a genuine smile that makes me forget about the texts and about what happened at lunch time. He looks surprisingly happy to be offered a taste of his own cake.

“No, thanks.” He watches me eat the piece. “I’d prefer this actually,” he says. I look at him to see what he’s taking about and I instantly regret it.

His face is centimetres away from mine and getting increasingly closer. His hand is warm against the back of my neck and his fingers are entangled in my hair. His eyes are looking – piercing – straight into my own. He moves closer and I feel his breathe tickle my lips before we are connected. His lips are warm and hard against mine due to how hard he’s pushing forward. He tilts his head to the right. Then he pulls back. I watch in what I imagine to be shock horror as he pulls off my glasses and puts his lips on my lips again. This time it’s soft and sweet. He’s gentle as if he’s scared of hurting me. His other hand reaches out to hold mine. He intertwines our fingers. I feel my eyes fall closed. Rei doesn’t push any further. He doesn’t make the kiss more intense or passionate than it needs to be.

I do nothing. I let him take control because, for the moment, I want to forget about anything that happened to me in the past. I want to forget the texts and the hurtful words and the disgusted looks and the floating images and the constant mockery and _his_ eyes and _their_ hands and _the pain._ No. I shouldn’t be doing this. I push Rei away from me.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 – Reiji**

It hurt.

It hurt so much when he pushed me away. When I kissed him, his muscles relaxed for a bit and he seemed fine with it, but then he suddenly tensed up and rejected me.

 _“Idiot! What did you expect? You can’t just go ahead and kiss someone,”_ I curse at myself. I don’t know why I kissed him, it was an impulse of sorts.

“Sorry,” Ben chokes out as he stands up. His eyes look glossy and he seems to be avoiding eye-contact.

 _“Shit, I messed up,”_ I think. I stand up too, so we’re face to face. He still doesn’t look at me. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just done that. Heck! I don’t even know why I did it!” I can’t control what I’m saying. I noticed that Benjamin was struggling with something, but I chose to ignore it. And what’s more: I kissed him!

“It’s fine, Reiji.” He steps further away from me. I want to take his hand and keep him close. I don’t want to let him go, but that will only make the situation worse. “It was just a bit sudden.” He looks up at me and forces out a smile.

The smile is fake. It’s like he’s putting on a mask for me. A mask that would make me feel relieved if I believed the mask was real. But I don’t. It’s entirely fake. His real smiles are small and sincere. I can barely tell that it’s a smile, but you can see the insignificant squint in his eyes that reveals his happiness. This smile is forced. I haven’t seen him faking a smile before, but I can tell that it’s something he’s had to do many times.

 _“What hell did you have to live through?”_ I bite my lip to stop myself from asking. “I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I promise I’ll control myself.” I don’t take my glaze off him. I want to see how he reacts. Every second of it.

He looks troubled, but then he sighs. “You’re a frickin’ savage.” He lightly knocks me on the head with his fist.

“Ow! You don’t need to punch me!” I shout, my words come out far too exaggerated. He laughs and his eyes tear up. I know it’s not because of what I said, that’s just an excuse for him to let out those tears. I like him. I really like Ben.

“I’ll just hope that you’ve done all your work for school tomorrow. It’s already quite late,” he warns me, looking out the fully glass wall.

“You think I’m an idiot, don’t you?”

“Should I answer?”

“I think I’d prefer if you didn’t,” I say. “But I’m not an idiot. I complete all my school work and I think I’m an okay student. If someone isn’t as smart as you, it doesn’t make them stupid.”

“I actually didn’t say anything,” Ben smirks at me, gently pulling on his fluffy jumper around the neck. “You just assumed what I thought.”

I’m not sure what it was, but when he pulled on his jumper I noticed several bruises. I probably shouldn’t ask him, but my eyes keep wandering. My brain overflows with possibilities. Does he self-harm? Did his parents abuse him? Was he beaten up in his old school? Did he –

“Rei,” Ben snaps me back to reality. “Is everything all right?”

 _“No, it’s not. You’re hiding something from me.”_ “Yes. I just need to use the bathroom.” I don’t. All I need is to clear my head. I can’t expect Bunny to tell me everything. He’s bound to have secrets, just like most people, but I feel like he’s hiding his entire life from me ever since we met. That’s too much to hide. I stand up and make my way to the bathroom.

“Use mine,” Ben says.

“Huh?”

“Use my bathroom. We’re expecting a Plummer for the other one,” he clarifies.

“Oh, sure.” I walk to his bathroom.

I suppose it’s not that surprising not to have to lock the door if he’s the only person using this bathroom, but it’s slightly odd not to have a lock on a bathroom door. I place my hands on either side of the sink and look up at my reflection in the mirror. I look seriously wrecked. My hair is all over the place, my face is flushed, and my clothes look out-of-place.

“Why did I kiss him?” I whisper. “Do I have feeling for him?” I have considered before that my crush may be a guy. I never had much of a thing for girls, but I never paid much attention to guys either. Until Benjamin.

Benjamin Hughes.

Why is he so different? Why do I feel special around him? How does he make me feel different? I don’t understand him. I don’t get how he can be so direct and plain, but at the same time complex and mysterious. I don’t understand why his beautiful face, scenic curls, picturesque eyes, and warm pink lips make my heart flip 360 degrees in my chest. I don’t remember when I started to feel that way, but I want him. I want to be with him.

But I can’t scare him. I can’t allow myself to scare him away. I’m trapped between wanting to know what’s happening in his life and wanting him to be comfortable around me.

“Rei?” I turn around to see Ben opening the door. He’s wearing a worried expression. “Oh, thank goodness everything’s all right.” He sighs and the previous expression is gone as quickly as it appeared. “You were gone for too long.”

“Sorry,” I apologise for the fiftieth time today. “Must have lost track of time.” Then I smirk at him, bring back my usual self. “Never thought you would be that interested in seeing me in the bathroom.” I lean against the sink, watching the slight blush in Ben’s cheeks build up.

He opens his mouth to say something clever back, but settles with his usual, “Get lost.” I laugh.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hmm?”

“You know how it’s the half-term soon-”

“How about we get out of the bathroom before we talk?” He cuts me off. I walk out first and settle on his bed. Bunny pulls out one of those fancy office chairs on wheels from under his desk and sits down with the back of the chair against his chest and his legs on either side. “So?”

“Tyler, Tae, and I usually travel to the centre of London on these short holidays for a day with my mum. We’re going to celebrate Ty’s birthday. Do you, umm, want to join?” It seems weird to ask this now as I kissed him a few minutes ago, I feel like I’m asking him out.

“Because I have nothing better to do,” Ben says sarcastically.

“Bet you don’t.”

“Huh. I’m not as boring as you.”

“How dare you?” I say in my signature you-hurt-me voice. “I am the most interesting person I know.”

“Your friends must read the Bible in their spare time,” he teases.

“And what if they do?” I don’t think any of my friends have ever read the Bible, but I’ll go along with it.

“How do you have the talent to turn insignificant small talk into full on conversations?” Ben sighs and shakes his head in disbelief. “Seriously, I feel like I’m in one of those soaps where you have absolutely no idea what the characters are talking about.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say plainly.

“You don’t watch soaps, do you?”

“I don’t have much time for that stuff between friends, sport, school, homework, cooking, and . . . homework. Though, believe me, YouTube is my life. I do a fair bit of reading too. When necessary.” He laughs.

“You can’t be serious. Reading is my passion. Almost any genre. I can’t really stand those sappy, summer teen romances.” He gives me a few examples and then keeps talking about it. It’s hard to hide the fact that I’m surprised by the sudden amount of information I’m getting. “Anyway, when’s Tyler’s birthday?”

“First of November. He used to complain about why he couldn’t celebrate it on Halloween.”

“When’s school end?”

“How do you not know? I literally count down the day.”

“I have better things to do than depress myself with that,” he deadpans.

“Five more school days,” I answer. “School ends the week before Halloween.”

“It’s surprising Upville even has Halloween.”

“Are you kidding?!” I almost pounce at him. I place my hands on his shoulders instead. “Halloween is universal and it’s, like, the best thing ever.”

“Beg to differ,” Ben says, smiling. “I can think of plenty of things better than Halloween. Like snow, when there’s rain and lighting outside when you’re in bed, days that you get to spend on your laptop, a good book, cake, ice-cream with -” I decide to cut him off otherwise this will go on forever.

“My point still stands,” I pause to think. “Except for the cake bit and whatever you were about to say about ice-cream. Food is awesome.”

“Speaking of cake,” Ben says. “I still have one to finish.”

*/*/*

It’s already the before last day of school, but Ben has been acting weird all week and the last Friday of half-term doesn’t seem to be changing anything. He’s been avoiding everyone, including Kiara. I mean, I’ve tried avoiding Kiara before. It’s not as easy as it sounds. That girl is omnipresent. I’m worried that it was the kiss.

“REIJI!!” Who else, other than Kiara Ali, would yell my name across the school? She come running my way through the hallway. The teachers ignore her, no matter what they say she won’t listen and they know it. She picks up too much momentum as she runs and crushes into my chest, we both stumble towards the lockers.

“Fuck, Kiara. What the heck is wrong with you? I’d like to keep my spine intact at least until my next water polo lesson and smashing into locks isn’t exactly helpful.” My back feels like its burning and I have Kiara leaning against my chest. She’s short so she’s not that heavy, luckily.

“What did you do to Bunny?” she yells. I hide my uncomfortable feeling by not answering.

“You don’t need to yell, I’m standing two centimetres away from you. Much too close for my liking.”

“This is not a joking matter, Tanaka,” she threatens as she grabs hold of my school uniform’s collar. The use of my surname only makes me feel more troubled. “Bunny’s been less social than the day _that_ happened and when _that_ happened he only talked to Aaron.” She seems to be talking to herself as I have no idea what ‘ _that_ ’ is.

“‘ _That_ ’?” I ask.

She gasps, covering her mouth. She looks up at me with a glare. “None of your business.” She sticks her tongue out.

“How am I supposed to help then?”

“I’m not asking for your help. Bunny doesn’t need it and neither do I. I just want to know what you did.”

“None of your business.” I mock her.

“Hell, it is! What did you do, bastard?” She’s yelling again.

“Kiara, will you calm down? Right now, you need more help than he does.” I think back on the kiss. There is a chance that he’s acting weird because of that, but he seemed fine when we talked afterwards. I don’t think it’s the kiss. “Look. If it helps, I’ll talk to him.”

“If he listens to you,” she corrects me with her arms crossed and her face screwed up into a scowl.

“I’m sure it’s more pleasant to talk to me than you.” I say. It’s not a joke. Kiara is seriously annoying. Especially today.

“Ha ha. Now go help Bunny.” She grabs my hand and pulls me towards the library study rooms. Tyler, Kiara, and Benjamin’s form room.

“Wait. Reg starts soon,” I say. “Can’t it wait until lunch or break?” She lets go of my hand and turns around to frown at me.

“Talk to him at break!” she commands. “Don’t forget!” She walks off into the direction of the study rooms.

“Gosh, that girl has anger issues.” Aya suddenly appears by my side. I jump at the surprise of hearing her voice.

“God, do all the girls in this school have something against me? First Kiara tries to rip a hole in my chest and now you want me to die from a heart attack.” Aya smiles and pulls out her phone. We walk into the classroom. We still have about five minutes of freedom.

“I’m writing a new fanfic,” she informs me.

“I don’t care,” I inform her. She giggles.

“It’s only chapter one and they’ve already kissed,” she says. Manic excitement is flooding her eyes. I’m guessing it’s something about that BTS kpop group that she keeps going on about. One of her MM ships. I spend too much time with her. I shouldn’t know this stuff.

“Wait. Are you writing smut in school?” I ask.

“Problem?” she asks back. Even if I went into some of the problems, I know it wouldn’t stop her. Aya plus kpop is beyond help.

**Benjamin**

I stop myself before I press the SEND button.

The text I was writing for the last ten minutes in the school’s toilets is addressed to Kiara. It consists of one word that is repeated over and over and over again.

ME: help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help

My fingers were acting entirely on their own. They were doing the one reasonable thing to do in my situation. Asking for help. But I can’t. I can’t force more pain on the people around me. I can’t. I shouldn’t. I won’t.

I am selfish.

It is selfish of me to force my emotions onto Kiara. Kiara doesn’t deserve to struggle. She should simply worry about her studies, possibly a one-sided crush, not a messed-up childhood friend. My hands shake as I delete the text.

I can’t send this.

I hear Reiji’s voice outside the toilet stall. He’s with Tyler. They’re talking loud enough for me to make out certain words, but the conversation seems like small talk that doesn’t concern me. I ignore it. Then I find myself looking for Reiji on my contacts list.

He’s not there. But I don’t have the right to call him either. Reiji is too kind and friendly to have to deal with me. His supposed ‘feelings’ for me are all a big misunderstanding. I’m different from everyone else in this school so he took an interest in me. His ‘feelings’ are nothing more than that. A mistake. He wouldn’t even care about my past. Why should he?

Why should my death of a life disturb him?

“Ben!” It’s Rei’s voice. “Ben, you here? Kiara said you were.”

I sigh. I don’t want to deal with anything right now, but it’s very difficult to run away from everything when the ‘things’ keep following you.

“Ben!” It’s Tyler’s voice now. About ten times louder than necessary.

“Yes! Yes! I’m here,” I reply, opening the stall and stepping out. “Hell. A person can’t even use the toilet in peace with you guys around.” This was meant to sound like a joke, but I know that it didn’t work. My voice is quiet and hoarse. I catch Rei eyeing me, his brows are furrowed and his lips are pressed tightly together.

“Ben,” he says. “Can we talk?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

 _“Because I know what this is going to be about and I have other things to worry about now. You should just forget about me.”_ I don’t say this. The bell rings to signal the end of break. I slip out the door before he presses for an answer.

Kiara always must be the one to make sure everyone is involved in my life. It’s not right. I can handle it myself.

The most pathetic thing about this is that I know I’m lying. I know that I’m trying to lie to myself. I know that I’m weak and useless, I know that I need help, but I can stand to admit it.

How will they help?

It’s just memories.

My brain playing tricks on me.

 

Suddenly, I feel my knees give way as I press my hands against the nearest wall to steady myself. No one notices since the hallways are too crowded.

I was sure I saw _him_.

The black hair.

The wide shoulders.

The blank eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post this chapter earlier.   
> A lot of things happen.

**Chapter 10 – Tae**

My boyfriend has spent the last fifteen minutes admire his own painting with my granny. Granny has already brightened our black and white kitchen with the painting and they are both sitting in complete silence examining it. It is honestly scary to watch. I quietly walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, gently biting at his earlobe. He pulls away to connect his lips with mine. I don’t feel fireworks when I kiss him. I don’t feel the little tingly butterflies. All I feel is his warmth against my chest and his lips against mine. They taste of mint. It’s almost night-time on a school day, so he must already be ready for bed.

“You going to bed, baby?” He asks, nuzzling his nose against mine.

“Mm,” I hum in response. I glance over at the painting. Ty’s used a large canvas, the painting is clearly of me. Like the last four he painted. “You painted me again?” I mumble.

“Hmm, shouldn’t I?” Ty asks. “You’re an angel, Tae. Of course, I would paint you.”

“This is the fifth one,” I complain. “If your significant other paints you repeatedly, you do start to feel slightly troubled.”

“Get a room.” A new voice breaks our moment. Jae has entered the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water. His thin glasses gently sit low on the bridge of his nose. His hair is hanging in short, straight strands around his face.

“Sure,” I say, grabbing Tyler’s hand and pulling his up the stairs to our bedroom. Granny remains in the kitchen chair facing Tyler’s work, unmoved. Jae smiles and shakes his head disapprovingly. Jae accepts our relationship, but for some reason thinks that we are too touchy and lewd with each other. Ty and I kiss a lot, but it never gets much further than the kisses. We both try to stay within each other’s comfort zone.

I feel Tyler gentle pull on my wrist when we get to the bedroom; I turn to face him. I lose myself in his eyes. The vibrant, light-blue colour is nothing if not hypnotising. His eyes look deep, alive, and happy. They reveal everything about Tyler. Though every bit of Tyler is clearly him – from the two-coloured hair to the well-toned muscles covering his body from intense training – I think his eyes also show his secret. He’s an artist. He sees beauty in things other people wouldn’t think twice about. He can create something magical out of a pen and a pencil. It’s utterly crazy, yet impeccably wonderful. His eyes are irresistible.

“Angel,” he says. The gentle movement of his lips snaps me back to reality. “May I?” His fingers run up the side of my cheek as he carefully presses my back to the wall. The fingers on his other hand interlock with mine. His hands are warm and gentle. Everything about Tyler is wonderfully gentle. I feel so precious around him. It’s like he’s afraid to break me.

Even though Tyler is more likely to break than I am.

“Why would you even ask?” I smile up at him as he towers over me. Each time we’re in these situations, I feel like Ty is mocking me with his height. However, that feeling disappears as soon as Tyler’s lips touch my forehead. He plants soft kisses all over my face, but doesn’t quite reach my lips. He trails from the centre of my forehead to the tip of my nose. His hand tilts my head upwards so he can carefully lay a kiss on both of my eyelids. His teeth gently graze my earlobe.

“Ty,” I whine. I know I’m ruining his moment, but I need to taste him. I need his lips. “Don’t tease me.”

“I’m not.” It’s his turn to deadpan, now. His eyes lock with mine. I’m entranced all over again. “I’m showing you how much I love you.” His kisses now reach the underside of my jaw and my neck. His hands press against the backside of my knees to pull me up. I am now at about the same height as Tyler, but his head is buried in my neck. I secure myself by placing both hands on his shoulders.

“Ty . . . Tyler,” I whimper. “Stop-” His lips press against mine.

Finally, I taste the harsh, bitter, minty taste of his lips and the warmth that comes with them. His lips move over and around mine. I relax and let him do what he wants.

“Tae,” he says as he pulls away from me. “I want them to know. I want them all to know you’re mine.”

I want to reply, but we hear the bedroom door slam against the wall. Reiji is standing in the doorway with his hand covering his eyes.

“I saw nothing,” he says.

“Dude, why do you always ruin everything when we get to the good parts?” Tyler whines, setting me back on the ground.

“With your guys’ pace,” he laughs. “You’ll never _get_ to the good part.”

“Get yourself a boyfriend and then we’ll talk about pace,” Tyler says. Tyler is 100% certain that Rei is gay, even though Rei doesn’t talk about crushes or love interests with us. Apart from Ben, but Ben is just a mystery wrapped in an enigma: Ben doesn’t count.

I notice Rei’s eyes stop dead at my neck. I know why he’s staring, Tyler’s marks are always more than obvious on my skin. I fiddle with my collar to cover it up, but Rei steps towards me and pulls the collar down.

“Rei?” I say.

“Hey, hands off my boyfriend -” Tyler starts.

“Ben!” Reiji interrupts him. We both give Rei a confused look. He lets go of my collar and takes a deep breath. “Some of the marks on Ben’s neck,” he explains. “There the same as yours, Tae.”

**Aya**

Anime and kpop may be a very important part of my life, but they are not the only part. Another important part of my life is the petite girl sitting on my lap as she scrolls through the messages on her phone. She presses her back against my chest and pressed her head just under my chin. Her soft, ginger hair lightly tickles my skin.

“Babe, has all the homophobic stuff gotten worse?” Mika’s voice is so honey-sweet, I feel like I’m melting.

“No, same as always,” I reply. She turns to face me. Her pale skin is beautifully covered with light freckles. The thin glasses with light pink metal flames sit elegantly on the tip of her nose so the glass does not cover her honey brown eyes. Her ginger hair is short and curly, flawlessly framing her face. God, she’s beautiful.

“That’s not true. There was that huge fight at lunch-time the other day.”

“It doesn’t really matter what I say though, does it?” I say. My arms sit loosely around her thin waist. “You’re still in the closet for most people. We’re not gonna go public any time soon.”

“Because of how they treat Claude. The poor guy. He doesn’t deserve that.” I honestly prefer small talk to these types of serious conversations, but I know that Mika can’t make small talk. She finds it boring. I want to change the subject though.

“You know Ty’s birthday?”

“Hmm,” she hums.

“Are you coming along? It’s the week after next,” I say. She shrugs, turning away from me again. We both stay silent for a few minutes, scrolling through our phones. There isn’t much else to do.

“Woah! What’s this?” Mika suddenly jumps up, slamming into my chin on the way.

“Hah! A mouth full of blood, I think,” I say. My mouth fills up with an unpleasant metallic taste as I realise that Mika has caused me to bite my tongue. Usually Mika would beg for me to forgive her, but she just holds up her phone for me to see.

I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I take the phone away from her to make sure I’m not mistaken.

“Where did you get this from?” I ask, my voice is dead serious.

“I didn’t. It was a text from a random phone number. They probably got the wrong number,” she says.

“I don’t think so.” The picture wasn’t sent to someone from Upville by accident, it was for the purpose of completely corrupting someone’s life. If this gets into the wrong hands . . .

“Mika, don’t show this to anyone.” I instruct her, handing the phone back to its owner.

“Hmm?”

“Just don’t,” I say. “Head home, I’ll see you tomorrow at school.” I run down to my front door pulling my coat on. I need to find Rei. He needs to know.

This wasn’t an accident.

Someone is after Ben.

I run down the streets. I curse at the stones each time I trip. I decide to go to Tae’s house first. It’s closer and Rei is more likely to be there than at home. I reach Tae’s street just as Rei opens the front door to leave.

“Rei!” I yell running up to him. “Rei!”

He looks concern. It’s usually bad news if I run all the way from my house to Tae’s.

“Sorry, Aya,” he says. “I’m in a hurry. I need to see -”

“Ben!” I cut him off. He looks surprised, I think I got him interested. “Ben’s in trouble. Real, real trouble.”

“Aya, get to the point.”

“I can’t. You need to see it.”

The photo was clearly taken at night with a pretty crappy phone, but the flash from that phone produces enough light for the subject of the photo to be seen. It’s Ben. He’s on the ground with most of his body exposed; there are bleeding cuts and dark bruises all over him. His face is turned away from the source of the light and there are tear stains running down his cheeks. His wrists are pinned down to the ground by hands that look much larger than his own. However, the eye that is seen in the picture is looking straight at the lens.

The stoic, golden brown eyes that are even present on Ben’s face are gone. The boy in the picture is looking up with absolute terror and vulnerability.

*/*/*

The picture spread like wild fire the next day in school. Everyone had heard about it, almost everyone had seen it. Some people reacted with humane pity, others just laughed at some else’s misery. Why should anyone care if the misery isn’t their own?

“Reiji Tanaka! Aya Yamamoto!” Kiara’s voice shakes the walls of our form room as she walks in. Several heads turn towards the walking tornado heading our way. “What did you do, you bloody bastard?” She slams her hand on the desk in front of Rei.

“Look, Ali. I don’t care how pissed you are right now,” Reiji says back. “We never received the picture and we never spread it all over the school. I know you hate me and I don’t exactly adore you, I don’t want to hurt Ben.” I don’t speak out. I have a clear enough idea of who is responsible for the picture flooding the school, but it’s better to just shut up and not add fuel to the fire.

Kiara glares. “It was your girlfriend, wasn’t it?” I realise that Kiara is glaring at me. I suddenly feel the anger running through me. Mika wouldn’t have done something like this. She wouldn’t hurt Benjamin for no reason. I’m sure of it. I think I’m sure.

“Fuck off, sunshine.” The anger escapes my lips, but Kiara doesn’t flinch. She sends me a death glare. Kiara is one of the few people who knows that I’m dating Mika. She just happened to walk in in the wrong moment last year. “You know she wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“Her friends seem to say otherwise.” Beth and Stacy. She’s talking about the two girls closest to Mika. Those girls have the largest mouths in the school.

Then it suddenly hits me. Mika told Beth and Stacy because they’re best friends and then those girls though that running their mouths about it would be a good idea.

“I don’t control my girlfriend, sunshine. And I have absolutely nothing to do with her friends,” I clarify.

“Shut up! I don’t care about her anymore. Do you know what Bunny is going through now?” Kiara’s voice cracks and, for the first time since we’ve met, I see her as a normal human being. A person who can actually feel emotions other than annoyingly overjoyed and unbearably pissed. She blinks away her tears. I feel embarrassed for shouting at her.

“Look, Kiara, I’m -” I start to apologise.

“I don’t _care!_ I just need you to help Bunny. Nothing else matters, but Bunny. Bunny can’t get hurt again.” Her voice is weak, but she doesn’t let the tears spill.

“Where is he?” Rei asks. I realise that I had forgotten that he was standing there all this time. And I realise that even though Kiara must hate Mika now, she didn’t reveal to Rei who my girlfriend is. I never thought Kiara would be that considerate.

“Library -” Kiara doesn’t have time to finish speaking before Reiji leaves. Kiara is quick to follow so I locate Tae, who had quietly been listening in on our conversation from a distance, and pull him along with us.

“I know that Rei wants to help Ben,” Tae says to me so the others can’t hear. “But are we sure that Benjamin wouldn’t prefer to be alone?”

“I don’t know,” I shrug. “Have you seen the picture?”

“I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.” Of course, little, innocent Tae hasn’t heard anything. Gossip never seemed to reach Tae, no matter how big the story. “Rei is following his feelings now.” I glance at Tae. I’m not sure where this statement is heading. “He’s following his emotions so he just wants to comfort Ben, but he’s forgetting to think this through. No one wants to be treated like a little, fragile, broken thing. Ben might not want to be treated with such pity.” Tae runs ahead of me leaving me slightly baffled. I didn’t think Tae was that concerned with other people’s feelings. He’s usually quite cold, unless he’s with Tyler.

“Guys, I don’t think we need the entire ensemble,” I say pulling on Tae and Kiara as we get to the library. “It’ll be easier if just Rei goes.” I see Kiara grit her teeth, but she says nothing.

Rei nods at me and walks towards Ben.

**Benjamin**

It’s _pathetic_ how other people have a bigger impact on your life than you do. To the extent of you seeing them every time you step outside; they’re not actually there, but – in your mind – they haunt you. Just thinking about it makes me feel even more useless. Though, in the bigger picture, no one of us is useful, since all of us will die and eventually life on Earth will be extinct and we will be forgotten. None of us will have any impact on that bigger picture, so everyone is useless.

Why the negative thoughts? There’s not much left other than negative thoughts when you’re watching your entire life collapsing before your eyes and your too frickin’ useless to save it. There are even more negative thoughts when it’s the second time your life is collapsing.

There are people who think that love frees you of all the pains in the world.

Those people are still living in fairy tales: surrounded by flying fairies and magic unicorns. Love is the reason my life is so messed-up, love is the reason I didn’t tell anyone, and love is the reason I can’t end this pathetic excuse for a life.

Love can free you, but it can also chain you down to the ground. Love can take you to a wonderland of happiness and fireworks, but it can also shut you up in a labyrinth of fear and heartache.

Love can build you up and love can send you crashing right back down to the ground.

The reason I can’t end everything is love.

**Reiji**

I sit down in the chair across from his. He acknowledges my presence by glancing up at me and then straight back down at his hands.

“Ben, can we -” I start.

“Can we **not** ,” Ben cuts me off. This takes me by surprise and I’m at a loss for words. Instead, I reach out to take his hand. I feel him flinch, but his grip tightens around mine. He needs this help. He wants to push me away, but he can’t.

_“What am I supposed to do now?”_ I think. _“How can I help him?”_

“Reiji,” Benjamin says. “You – all of you – shouldn’t be concerned with this. It’s my problem, I’ll deal with it.” My heart hurts from the words that just left his lips. It’s not right for him to have to go through all of this alone, especially if it’s not even his fault. The picture. Why was it sent to Mika? Who sent it?

“No, you shouldn’t have to go through all of this,” I say.

“I’ll go through this either way. Now I have the option of surviving this alone or hurting other people by getting them involved,” Ben says standing up and loosening his grip around my hand. I keep holding his and stand up too.

“If you’re hurting, that will hurt the people who love you anyway.”

“Great. I don’t have the option then. Look. I’ve lived through this shit before, I can do it again. I don’t need your help.” He snaps his hand away from me and begins to turn away from me.

“Wait. Where’re you going?” I ask. It’s obvious that if Benjamin stays alone there will be people teasing and calling him out on the photo. He can’t just walk off.

“Form room. The bell will ring soon.”

The bell rings.

He doesn’t look at me.

He leaves.

**Benjamin**

I need help.

(But I can’t ask for it.)

I want Reiji to help me.

(But I’ll fall in love with him if he does.)

I don’t know what to do.

(I’ll just pretend not to care.)

I’m too weak to stand up again.

(I’m too afraid of getting hurt again.)

I want to forget _him._

(I still love _him._ )

I’m different.

(I’m broken.)

Please forget me.

(Please save me.)

It’s all in my mind.

(Just in my head.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the "him"/"he" Bunny keeps referring to isn't very clear, but I will sort that out in a few chapters.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T-T I'm crying. I really am.
> 
> I was planning to post this tomorrow, but then I realized that I'll be on a plane all day. I'm not sure if I'll be able to add anymore chapters during the next ten days because I have rubbish internet connection where I'm going, but if I get the chance to I WILL POST.  
> Anyway, enjoy the chapter . . . (all is explained: almost all in any case)

**Chapter 11 - Jenna**

I’m sitting outside the school with Claude. We only spend time together when Jae and Sage are around so making conversation all of a sudden is difficult. Claude is a nice person, but he makes others feel self-conscious. He has bleached blonde hair that sits beautifully around his face and reaches his shoulders; he has deep, dark brown eyes; a fair complexion with small beauty spots dotted around; and he is incredible slim and tall. He stands out a lot due to his appearance. Many students think he is transgender or genderfluid and tease him for it. He’s not, but he lets them believe that because he is a transvestite. A boy who likes to dress as a girl from time to time. People look down on this and say he’s a freak. It’s inhumane to treat him like that just because of a harmless hobby.

Claude is fiddling with my hair. He works in one of the town’s barber shops to earn a bit of money on the weekends, so it’s natural that he’s taken an interest to my hair: it’s long, slightly wavy, and it doesn’t knot.

“Jenna,” Claude brings me back to reality. “Could you thank your brother for me? He really did help me last time. Though it was probably because he wanted to protect you. He helped anyway.” I smile.

“I should’ve been able to help out to. Jae and Sage actually did something. I just sat there.” It’s disappointing that I should rely on my younger brother for help.

“Jae and Sage are used to it,” Claude says. “Because of me.” I can hear that he’s upset and the slightly painful tug on one of my strands of hair only proves it.

“Don’t say that. They wouldn’t help you if they didn’t want to,” I say. Claude never enters the school before the bell rings because some people love starting their day off by hurting someone. All four of us usually stay outside together, but this morning Sage and Jae have a catch-up class.

Claude’s phone rings. He lets go of my hair and puts the phone out of his pocket. I turn to face him. The colour suddenly drains from his face.

“What? What’s wrong?” I ask, fairly concerned.

“Jenna, you need to find your brother,” he says.

 _“Oh no. Benji? Is there something wrong? No! He’s fine. He must be! He was a bit quiet for the last week, but that’s usual for Benji. He looked okay this morning. He wouldn’t . . . he wouldn’t . . . do something stupid. Benji always thinks things through. He must be fine.”_ My brain is flooding with past memorise and current possibilities of what happened. Benji’s lived through so much, he wouldn’t let a little tease get to him. “W-what happened?” I’m afraid to ask. Claude is already on his feet, pulling me up with him. He pulls us into the school building.

“Apparently, some idiot decided to spread an unpleasant picture of him,” Claude explains.

 _“No,”_ I think. _“It’s like what happened before. This can’t happen. I can’t let my little brother suffer. I did nothing last time. I couldn’t save him. I was useless. He was suffering, while I was wallowing in self-pity for reasons that I thought were good enough.”_ I see Jae and Sage running towards us. They either escaped from their lesson or it’s over. I hope for the latter option.

“Princess, you okay?” It has become habit for Sage to call me that.

“I’m not the one in trouble. We need to find Benji. Where’s Benji?” I feel like I’m about to cry. I can’t let him suffer again. I can’t watch him suffer. The second I think my life is getting better and I’m forgetting about my mistakes; everything goes to hell all over again.

“It’s fine,” Jae reassures me. “I’m sure nothing bad happened, it’s only the start of the school day. We’ll find him. He can’t be far.” I look up at him and can’t help smiling. I really need the support.

We separate to search for him. Sage and Claude head for the library, study rooms, and main hall. Jae and I go the opposite way to check the classroom and dining hall.

Jae lightly squeezes my hand as we run past several classrooms and try to get through the crowded hallway. “Don’t worry,” he flashes me a gentle smile. “I know your brother is friends with my brother and his friends. They won’t let anything bad happen to him.”

I feel relieved again and as much as I want Jae to be right, I can’t help feeling that Benji’s friends will have absolutely no effect on his actions. Benji likes to act alone. He doesn’t show weakness, until it’s too late. The hallways in front of me become indecipherably blurry as my eyes fill with tears.

I can’t let him get hurt.

He’s already been hurt. Why can’t it be my turn now? Anyone, but Benji. Benji won’t be able to handle it again. He’s one of the few people who understands that life is never black and white. He understands that it you are able to get out of a pit of suffering and pain, that doesn’t mean you’re free or safe. The slightest nudge will send you falling right back down and you will hit the ground harder than you did before.

He knows there is no such thing as ‘happily ever after’. And the best way to fix that is to just end everything here. Now.

*/*/*

The bell rings, but we keep searching. We keep searching until we’re stopped by one of the teachers and told to go to class immediately. On the way to our classroom, Jae holds my hand and tells me that we’ll continue searching later and that Benji is probably in class as well. His words don’t quite reach me, I’m thinking about Benji.

Class is a haze. I try to pay attention, but my mind keeps wondering away from me. I need to know where my brother is. It’s still morning, but the clouds are heavy and dark outside. I hear the rain aggressively hitting the winds and notice the bright flashes of lightning outside followed by the ominous thunder. Benji loves rain.

I hear some of the students talking about the photos, but I block them out for my own sanity. I know that Benji is suffering, that’s all I need to know.

**Benjamin**

I hear them whisper and laugh. I see their looks of disgust and absolute bliss at the sight of someone else’s misery. Or they ignore me.

I see _him_ again and again. I see him laugh like he did on _that_ day. I know it’s just in my head. I know it’s my mind that’s killing itself.

Why do I still care about _him_? _He_ left me behind. This is all thanks to _him._

I see them pointing their fingers at me. Some of them come up to me to apologise. Others come to spit at me or laugh.

It seems hard to lose your pride when you didn’t have much to start out with, but it seems that things can always get worse.

Tyler and Kiara try to keep them away, but it doesn’t help.

Their mockery still reaches me.

Every little thing they stay adds to the previous one and, before I know it, I feel like I’m drowning.

The feeling they call love is the only thing chaining me to my body right now. Love for Kiara, for Aaron, for Jenna, for my parents, for Tae, for Tyler, for Aya, for people who care about me, for those I care about, and . . . for Reiji, too.

My love is the only reason I can’t end everything.

I don’t want that love anymore.

I want to be free of it.

I want to let go.

 

I leave as soon as I can. There’s no point in staying.

I walk through the rain. The cobbled streets are completely soaked and I slip several times, just to get back up and keep moving. The cold water is drenching me entirely. I shiver as my clothes stick to me skin. The feeling is unpleasant, but I’m glad for the rain.

I like to listen to it hitting the ground and the small houses on either side of me. I love the thunder as it steadily grows louder. I love the flashes of lightning that light my way.

I hear my heart pounding in my chest. I can feel it trying to keep me warm. I’d prefer it not to.

My teeth are chattering and my lips quiver. I bite down on my lower lip, harshly chewing it. I welcome the metallic taste.

I’m bleeding, I’m not dead yet.

My legs hurt from the quick pace and from my constantly twisting my angles on the wet street.

I can still feel the pain, I’m not dead yet.

The rain gets stronger. It tries to push me to the ground, but I keep moving. The wind picks up and easily blows through all my clothes to run past my skin.

I tremble.

I’m not dead yet.

I want to die.

I see my front door.

**Reiji**

“I can’t find him,” Kiara says. Her voice trembles as she looks up at me for encouragement.

“Reiji!” A familiar voice calls be from across the hallway. Jenna runs up to me with Jae and two other familiar people behind her. Her face looks ghostly pale and her eyes are puffy and red. “Benji, where’s Benji?” She doesn’t hold back the tears. She’s crying; her shoulders shake as she takes deep breaths to calm herself down.

“Keep looking,” I say as an idea hits me. “I need to check something. Don’t stop looking!” I call at them as I rush to the front office. _“God, Ben. You don’t know how much everyone loves you. You better not do something stupid,”_ I think to myself. I feel my hands shave as I reach the front office.

*/*/*

“Yes, he just left.” One of the office ladies says as she holds her hand to the phone in her other hand.

“What? When?” I ask. _“Since when is it all right for a student to just leave school?”_ is what I want to ask.

“Five to ten minutes ago, he was feeling sick and the nurse couldn’t come in today due to the storm. He said his guardian is on a business trip today and wouldn’t be able to pick him up,” she explains. “Would you like to -” She begins to ask something, but I rush out of the front office. I leave my coat and bag in school and run out of a side entrance to the school. I’m aware of how much trouble this is going to get me into, but I don’t have any time to lose.

I try to ignore the sudden cold wind and water that hit me as I step outside. I’m drenched within seconds.

“Ben, you better not do something stupid,” I say aloud. I know I’m worried. My heart is racing and I feel out of breath after running through just two streets. The journey seems much longer than it ever is. I’m counting down the seconds in my head. I’m listing all the possibilities.

What would I do if I was him?

I wouldn’t have survived this long. Whatever happened to Ben before broke him, it tore him up. What’s happening now is rubbing salt on those wounds. Whatever he had to live through must have been horrible.

My heart sinks as I see Ben’s front door slightly ajar, with a thin streak of light escaping through the opening. I rush in, slamming the door behind me to keep the warmth in. I don’t see any movement in the house.

I run to Ben’s room.

There’s no one there.

 

My head feels heavy.

“Ben,” I call out. The only response is the vicious rain beating down on the windows. I rush into the room and reach for the bathroom door. It opens. The air inside is warm and heavy. My vision is slightly obscured by the pleasant steam filling the room.

Then I see him.

 

I suddenly feel like I’m suffocating.

Ben is still wearing most of his school uniform as he lays face-down in the water in his bathtub. One of his wrists is cut, but not deep enough to colour the water completely red. His body isn’t still; he seems to be shaking as if his body is still trying to live even though he has given up. I don’t think about what I’m doing, I act entirely on instinct. He couldn’t have been in the water long enough to drown and his wrist is cut horizontally to the veins so it shouldn’t be fatal.

“Ben!” I run to him and pull him out of the water. I press down on his chest like I learned to do during my swimming lessons. I repeat the action, but get no reaction. “Ben, please.” I feel hopeless. I feel the tears starting to collect in my eyes.

He can’t be dead. He just can’t.

Unexpectedly, Ben’s shoulders begin to shake and he throws up the water he swallowed. He breaks out into violent coughs. “Ben,” I say, liberated. I don’t think I ever felt such a heavy weight being lifted off my chest. I want to hug him and kiss him and keep him close, but I notice the blood trickling down his hand and collecting in small drops on the floor. I sit him down on the bathroom floor and reach for the closest hand towel. Ben is still coughing and, even though he is entirely soaked (just as I am), I notice the tears dripping down his cheeks and the sobs that escape his solid façade. I lift his cut arm above his head to decrease the amount of blood being lost and wrap the towel tightly around his wrist.

I feel a combination of relief and anger as I look at Ben. His wet hair is stuck to his face; his eyes are red and puffy, like Jenna’s were earlier; his lips tremble as he takes in heavy, uneven breaths; and his whole body shakes. I try to pull him up, but he pushes my arms away.

“Ben -” I start.

“I didn’t – ask for help,” he says between sobs. His eyes look directly at me, as if they are begging for me to let him die.

“But -”

“This wasn’t an – accident. I didn’t – want to be saved. I don’t – want to live!” His fingers are digging into his knees as he yells. I pull his hands towards me. This time he lets me pull him to his feet, but he doesn’t look at me. I walk him back into his bedroom.

“I know that,” I say as I lay him down on the bed and crouch next to him. “And I know that this may be selfish, but there are some people who can’t live without you. They will never give up on you.” I put my hand on his cheek, tracing the soft and moist skin. Another tear runs down as he sobs. “That includes your brother, your sister, Kiara, Tae, Tyler, Aya, Bettie, Jenna’s friends care too, and - this may not mean much to you, but - me. I love you, Ben.” I smile at him. “And I’m sorry, but as long as I’m around, I don’t think you’ll get to die.”

“Living for the sake of other people isn’t living. I’ve lived this long – because I didn’t want to cause additional pain – if I die. It’s painful to live like this, Reiji! To have to convince people that you have a life – just to keep them satisfied!”

“I can’t imagine how painful it is,” I say. “But that’s what life is. Constant ups and downs. You can’t end everything because it’s too difficult to get back up.” Benjamin chuckles and shakes his head.

“If only it were the constant ups and downs. There’s no going up if the pit you fall into at the start goes too far down; and when there’s hope for you to get out, all of it shatters right before your eyes when someone else knocks you down. I deserve this, Reiji. I deserve to die. If it wasn’t for Aaron or you I would be dead. My suffering would be over!” He lets out another quiet sob. “What’s the point of trying to fix everything now if, in the end, I will die anyway? Isn’t it better to die when you’re down than when you actually value your life?”

“But wouldn’t it be better to live to the point of valuing your life? To know what it feels like when everything seems perfect,” I say. I feel our conversation getting deeper. This feels like something you wouldn’t say aloud, but rather a conversation you would have with yourself in your head.

“And what if – I can’t? I’m afraid of getting hurt again, Reiji.” He looks straight into my eyes. I notice a beautiful golden shine in his eyes when the light hits the brown iris. I notice how large his pupils are and it feels like I’m staring into the eyes of a terrified animal. “The pain reminds me of the past. It reminds me that I’m alive when I don’t want to be. To be honest, I thought it was getting better, but the devil follows me around everywhere I go. This is nothing compared to what I’ve lived through before, but I don’t need the constant reminder.”

“You do care about your life, Ben,” I say. He opens his mouth to argue, but I speak out first. “You didn’t cut your wrist nearly deep enough. You also cut it horizontally rather than vertically. If you really wanted your life to end, you would have made sure that no one could save you. What you did was call out for help.” I see that Ben understands this too as he quietens down. “I should probably call the hospital,” I say as I stand up to reach for my phone. Ben grasps my hand and pulls me towards him as he sits up.

“Don’t,” he says. “They’ll tell Aaron . . . and they’ll tell my parents. I’m already a disappointment, they can’t know about this.”

“But what if you’re seriously hurt?”

“I’m not. Please don’t call them,” he begs. I sigh, moving back to the bathroom to get another towel. I send Aya a quick text so Ben doesn’t notice, I tell her that I found Ben and he’s okay. I kneel on the ground, facing Ben, and begin drying him off. “I can do it myself,” he says.

“Just get changed, you’ll freeze.” I begin to unbutton his shirt. Judging by how hard Ben’s hands are shaking, I don’t think he’ll be able to do it himself. He pulls away from me, hiding his neck. That reminds me of the marks I noticed earlier. “Ben,” I say guiltily. “I’ve already seen it.”

His eyes widen, “When?”

“The day I kissed you,” I answer. He lets me undo the rest of the buttons. What I didn’t see earlier was the number of scars and bruises he had all over his body. They covered most of his chest and neck, some marks reached his stomach and back. “Ben . . .” I don’t have the courage to ask.

“This is the reason I moved here,” he says. His head is turned to the side so he doesn’t have to make eye contact with me as he speaks.

“Who – who hurt you?” I say, running the towel gently against his skin. He shudders.

“Some assholes from school,” he pauses and then says, “and _him_.” His eyes fill up with tears at the memory. I reach for his face to wipe the tears away. I know I shouldn’t push for more information, but curiosity gets the best of me.

“Umm, Ben, why did they hurt you?” I ask. I feel like I can see Ben snap from the question.

“Because I’m _pathetic_!” he spits out. His voice is filled with venom and the damn that only let out a few stray tears before disappears completely. He cries. His face is buried in the crook of my neck and his bare chest is pressed against mine, and he cries. I gently push him away to look at his face.

“You’re not, Ben. You’re beautiful and smart and wonderful. You’re quick with your words and you’re such a frickin’ interesting person. You’re so different and special. Please don’t think so badly of yourself. I don’t know when it happened, but I feel in love with you – I’m still in love with you, I always will be. I didn’t fall in love for no reason.” I hold his face in my hands as he sniffs and wipes the tears away with the back of his hand, but they just keep coming. I place the towel over his hair and around his shoulders to warm him up as I hug him. I hear his breath catch in his throat in surprise, but I just squeeze tighter. It’s an awkward hug since both of us are cold and soaked, but I’ve wanted this for so long that I don’t care.

“Ben, I love you.” I get no reply, but I wasn’t expecting you anyway.

“. . . you, too.” Ben mumbles something against my shoulder.

“What?” I ask.

“I said, ‘I like you, too’,” he whispers as he shoots me a death glare. He seems to not realise that our noses are almost touching because of us facing each other in a hug and his face goes red when he does. He gently pushes me off. “Gross! You’re wet.”

“Thanks, I didn’t notice. And you are too. I don’t think I need to remind you whose fault that is.”

“Sorry,” he gives me a small smile. I feel my heart speed up. “But don’t make false promises to lift up my spirits. I see through them.” I raise my eyebrow at that. I’m not sure what he’s talking about. He rolls his eyes and begins to explain. “That you ‘always will be’ in love with me. There’s no guarantee, Rei. You don’t know me well enough.”

“I know more about you now,” I say. “You probably don’t want to talk about this now,” I gesture towards the marks, “but I do want to know at some point.”

“At some point,” Ben repeats.

It’s probably not a very good thing to be thinking about how gorgeous your crush looks a few minutes after trying to commit suicide, but I can’t help it. I try to distract myself with something else.

“C’mon. Let’s get you into something dry,” I say walking over to the closest and facing away from Ben so he can undress. All the clothes are neatly hung or folded, but the closet is overflowing with them. I never knew Ben was the flamboyant type when it came to clothing.

“Just grab a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants,” Ben instructs me. I grab the first set I find and turn around to hand them to Ben. I forget that he will be half naked and I’m frozen in place.

“Fuck! Quit staring!” Ben throws the wet uniform top at me, but I dodge it.

“Whatever, we’re both guys.” I think I’m blushing.

“Ever tried telling that to any of your past crushes? Not sure they’d react too well.” I laugh, tossing him the clothes and turning away. I would love to tease him, but now is probably not the best time. Instead, I listen to the rustle of clothing as Ben gets dressed behind me. The tips of my ears burn from the fact that I’m finally seeing Ben past his mask and the occasional cracks in it.

“And no,” I say, realising that I hadn’t replied to Ben’s previous question.

“What?”

“I haven’t ever say anything like that to my previous crushes because you’re my first proper crush,” I explain. Ben doesn’t say anything. I can imagine his cheeks turning an adorable shade of pink, but I decide not to look back.

“Rei, you’re bigger than me, but I think you’ll fit into some of my clothes.” Ben walks up to the closet and pulls out a white t-shirt and a pair of loose jeans. He pressed them to my chest and I begin to change. My school uniform has now become unpleasantly cold and soggy in all the wrong places. We both stay silent as I change. Both items of clothing sit tightly around my body, but I know I can deal with it for a bit longer.

“Do you really want to know what happened to me?” Ben asks quietly. I nod. There’s silence and it seems almost eternal, but I don’t push Ben. He takes a deep breath and says it, “I was raped by my classmates.”

No other emotion reaches me apart from complete and utter shock. And infinite hate for the people who hurt Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like Jenna's character needed to be explored further and if the story unfolds as I want it to then Claude will be very important. I also love Claude so I want him to be important. I know that transvestites are often looked down upon because . . . well, it's unusual, but Claude would make a beautiful girl anyway. 
> 
> I'm not sure how far I should explain Bunny's "experience". Should I go into detail? I always cry when I hurt him, but then again it's interesting to write angst.
> 
> Yes. Jenna and Jae may be a thing, but I'm not sure. I really want to do something with Sage. Their names matching was a total coincidence :) but I think it's cute. Their ship-name would sound weird though. Jennae?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all Bunny, but I think he deserves it after the last chapter. This chapter is also quite short, but I had fun writing it. Sorry for any bad spelling, I'm working without a spell-check on Word. It just doesn't want to work with me.

**Chapter 12 - Benjamin**

Rei shuffles around in the kitchen. He talks to me, but I’m too busy thinking through the consequences of my actions. _“What will Jenna do? What will Aaron do? Will my parents find out? What about school?”_

“Bunny,” Rei’s voice breaks through my thoughts and his face stops me from drifting away again. I’m sitting on the corner of my bed, while Rei crouches down in front of me. He’s too close. He smiles, a smile of a devil or a Cheshire cat. It looks evil and I want to kiss it right off his face.

I dig my nails into my arm to make sure I don’t act upon the thought. The pain that shoots through my arm reminds me of the cuts – my big mistake. The cuts that I thought were my last resort. I flinch at the pain.

“Don’t do that,” Rei says. He pulls my arm away and starts to carefully remove the towel around my wrist. “Do you have a first aid kit?”

“No.” He raises his eyebrow at me. I frown at him. “Sorry, but we don’t randomly have a first aid kit lying around. Not every family is prepared for a suicide attempt, you know.” I pause, realising that I should control my temper. I breathe. “Aaron might have something of the sort though.” I look at Rei. His smile softens. He ruffles my hair. “Get off!”

He laughs, “You’re unbearably cute.” A shiver runs up my spine at the comment and I feel the tips of my ears burn. Rei chuckles again.

“Shut up.”

I hear the front door slam as we both look up. Footsteps rush through the hall to my bedroom. Jenna is the first to come in. Her face is flushed, her eyes are swollen, her hands shake, and she is gasping for air. Her features relax when she sees me, but her eyebrows burrow as soon as she notices the bloody towel. I see other people gather behind her before Kiara breaks through the crowd at top speed. She runs at me, pushing Rei out of the way before burying her head in my chest and wrapping her arms tightly around my waist.

“Bunnyyyyyyyyyyy!” she yells. Her death grip is painful, but I decide to ignore it.

“Nice to see you too,” Rei says. He stands up to pull Kiara away.

“You did one good thing in your life. Don’t get arrogant,” Kiara deadpans.

“So . . . better than you then,” Rei says.

“Fuck you,” Kiara mumbles.

“Kiara,” I interrupt them. “I’m gonna vomit if you don’t let go soon.” Kiara squeezes harder for a second before finally standing up.

“Ben,” Jenna says. “What did you do?”

I frown, “I don’t think you need to ask.” Jenna glares at me before shutting the door so it’s only the four of us in my room.

“Again, Ben. You had to go and do something like this again!” I flinch as she yells at me. I know what I could say back to her. I could remind her why this happened last time. I bite down on my bottom lip. I should bring that up. “What will Aaron do? What if ma – our parents find out?” I shiver at how her worries are exactly the same as my own. “Do you know how scared I was?!” I look up as her voice cracks. She covers her mouth with the back of her hand to hide her sob, but no tears run down to accompany it. She cried too much already. “We were all terrified. We couldn’t all just rush home for you. That’s not how school works. What trouble will Rei get into now? Did you think anything through?”

“Yes,” I interrupt her. “I did think it through. I thought this was the only thing I could do. You don’t know what it feels like, Jenna. Don’t pretend you do.” “ _Breathe. Don’t say something you’ll regret, Ben.”_ I look down at my cut arm. “I’m sorry.” I breathe. “It was a mess. I didn’t know how to act. I thought there was nothing else to life. I wanted to forget what happened.” _“I WANT to forget what happened.”_

Jenna walks towards me. Her finger wrap around my chin and she tilts my head up. Her lips rest on my forehead. “Please,” she says as she pulls away. “Talk to us. Don’t drown yourself in your own problems.”

 _“I drowned myself in water instead,”_ I think. _“Almost like drowning in my own tears.”_

“I’ll get something to clean that up with,” Jenna says. She gestures at my wrist, but doesn’t look at the cuts.

“I’ll help,” Kiara says. They both leave, shutting the door behind them.

“‘Again’?” Rei asks.

“I knew you’d catch on to that.”

“Care to explain?”

“Not really,” I say simply. “But that doesn’t really kill your curiosity, does it?”

“I won’t judge,” he says. He sits next to me; his arm rests gently around the small of my back.

“Yeah, you will. It was almost as stupid as this time.”

“It’s not stupid.” Rei pulls me towards him so I’m tightly pressed against his side. “I can’t imagine what you felt like. No one can.” He looks at me, I smirk back.

“You get everything you want, huh? We can’t talk without you touching me.” I place my hands on his chest and push away.

“I haven’t gotten what I want yet. You seem to like playing hard to get,” Rei says. He pulls me closer again.

“Isn’t that the best bit?” I ask.

“Hmm,” he pretends to think the question over. “No, the best part is getting the reward at the end.” His smirk suggests something.

“How would you know? You never got that far,” I tease him.

“That’s too cruel, Bunny. I kissed you before.” We both blush at the memory.

“Idiot,” I say, looking away.

“Hey! Plus . . . you changed the topic.”

“I almost drowned by falling asleep in the bath once. Are you satisfied now?” I say concisely.

“That’s not what Jenna is referring to, is it?” he asks.

“God, damn you! How could you possibly know?” He laughs.

“Maybe I know you better than you think.” He presses himself closer to me. I try to prop my arm up behind me to stop myself from falling but the pain from the cuts restricts my movements. I end up flat on my back on the bed with Rei leaning over me. His hands are on either side of me, stopping me from slipping away. His eyes are tracing my face. Stopping a second too long on my lips. “Are you gonna keep taking?”

I bite on my lip, turning away from him. It scares me how forward he is with his feelings. I did that once and it ended really badly. “It’s . . . complicated.”

“I’ll listen,” he replies.

“Look, Rei, I want to forget it. I don’t want other people to know. The more people know, the harder it is to forget –”

Rei’s finger traces my lips. “You should really stop hurting yourself like that.” I feel my face brush, but I know I’m pissed now.

“You’re not listening,” I say. I sit up – probably too suddenly – as my forehead slams against Rei’s. “Shit,” I mumble.

“Ben, you okay?”

“I’m fine, sorry.” I hear the door open and look up to see Kiara return with a little disinfectant bottle, some cotton balls, and a bandage role.

“Let’s do this!” she says cheerfully. A genuine smile spreads across half of her face. I can’t stop the thought that all I really needed was my best friend by me to feel better. I try to shrug away the memory of the conversation I just had with Rei.

_“Pathetic.”_

Yeah, but somehow, I managed to survive another day. I don’t know if my actions make me “pathetic”, but I know that I’m still alive, no matter how “pathetic”. I’ll be able to survive a bit longer even with their insults affecting me as much as they do.

And I also know that there is one idiot who is willing to chase after me no matter how far I go to get his “reward”. I can live with that.

*/*/*

“Ben.” Reiji’s voice cuts through the giggles escaping from Kiara as she watches me suffer from the tightness of her bandaging skills. She shuts up straight away. “Are you going to explain or leave me in the dark?” I’d expect him to be mad at me, but he seems to be . . . upset. I feel partially responsible.

“Hmm,” I nod. Kiara’s hand rests on my shoulder and she stares at Rei disapprovingly.

“You do not need to explain anything, Bunny,” she says.

“No,” I say. “I told him a little bit and it would be unfair to not say anything else.”

Kiara frowns, “Hmm. Do what you want.” I expect her to leave the room, but she doesn’t budge.

I sigh, “Where should I start?”

“From the beginning,” Reiji says.

“Bunny. The ‘beginning’ concerns Jenna and Aaron, too. You can’t just say it,” Kiara whines.

“It’s not that big of a deal. The people then were just very narrow-minded . . . and I trust Rei.” I catch a glimpse of a small smile on Rei’s lips. Kiara shrugs it off, still not leaving. “When I was in my old school I would usually only hang out with Kiara and, after my dad died and my mum remarried, we befriended a new guy who came to our school.” I can almost hear Kiara hiss at the memory. I, meanwhile, feel a sharp and painful stab in my chest at the memory. “Who would have thought that he had older brothers?” I mumble.

I want to tell Rei. I want him to know what a disgraceful excuse for a human I am.

I don’t want him to hate me, but he has the right to.

I tell him everything.

*/*/*

_He’s the first person I’ve ever had a crush on. It’s very difficult to know when "you found out you were gay”, but Jason is the reason I started questioning my sexuality. I mean, girls are cute and fun to hang out with, but guys are . . . different. Jason is different – was different. I don’t even know anymore. My life would be much easier if he was just a memory from my past, but I don’t think he is. He’s always there. Always in front of me, but so far away._

_So, so far away._

_I trusted him. I told him that I now have two mothers and I told him about my feelings towards him. He smiled at the time. I remember that bright smile. Remembering it makes me tingle. My body used to tingle with joy, now it’s a bottomless pit of loss and regret._

_Do I regret telling him?_

_Call me a masochist, but I don’t. Anything that brought out that beautiful smile and the slight squint of pleasure in his eyes was never a mistake._

_I think he smiled when they raped me._

_That day was entirely cliché. We were sitting on the closed off terrace on the roof of the school after classes finished. It was sunny and a slight breeze carried the warm and sweet fragrances of spring. Everything was so colourful and bright. His jet-black hair, which usually sat neatly around his face, was blown back by the wind to show his beautiful eyes and pretty skin. He is – was similar to Rei, in his looks at least, only his skin didn’t have the soft olive tan to it. It was pale and, unlike Rei, he wasn’t from Japan – he may have had some Chinese relatives: that’s where the black hair was from. His eyes were brown – maybe not the most uncommon of colours, but they never failed to captivate me. I thought I saw something there. Something that was aimed at me._

_I wasn’t wrong, but the feeling wasn’t what I’d hoped for._

_He hated me._

_That day, he accepted me, or he pretended to. He kissed me. His lips were loving and soft. They were everything I wanted and more. His hands traced down my back and played with the waistband of my trousers. His arms pulled me closer to himself. Our heartbeats fell in sync as our lips grew red and sore. We refused to part – I refused to let go.  I thought he loved me._

_Everything comes at a price. Even if that thing is a lie – a figment of your own imagination – you still pay for it._

_Misfortune is a scary thing to deal with. Its attacks are painful and deadly. Some people must learn that the hard way._

_I’m one of those miserable people._

_Doesn’t the dark always seem darker right after you look at the sun? Well, misfortune is the dark and happiness was the sun. Everything was so scary after I thought I found my source of happiness since dad’s death. Any Jason seemed so much brighter after dad’s death._

 

I was an idiot.

I messed up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Bunny has two mums now because his mum married another woman after his father died. Is it worth going into his father's death?  
> I've also devised a very interesting plot twist for Raymond the bully. Claude will probably also become a bit more important soon. . . and possibly Jae, Sage and Jenna. They seem like side characters at the moment.  
> I would love any ideas for what Raymond should look like.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter has more Benji at the beginning, but the second half focuses more on Claude, Jae, and Sage. Bunny is still the main character, but from now on there may be a bit more variety in the characters I focus on.

**Chapter 13 - Benjamin**

“It seems he told his brothers that I was harassing him,” I explain. Rei is listening intently; his fists are clenched and his knuckles are white. He is chewing his bottom lip as he stares at an empty space on the wooden floor. Kiara shifts uncomfortable by my side as I reveal to her everything that happened the year she left. She was gone for just one year and that was enough time for everything to go wrong. That’s just how useless I am.

“But you did nothing wrong,” Rei says. He doesn’t look up at me; he sits cross-legged on the floor and keeps looking down.

“It was all a mistake.” I remember Jason’s smile, _“Or maybe it wasn’t a mistake.”_ “I misjudged him. I fell in love with an image that I created. I didn’t have the right to do that. It was cruel to both of us. I should’ve seen who he was really, but I was blinded with my own dream. I was stupid an- “

“Please,” Reiji whispers. It sounds like his begging me. He looks up and his eyes are full of sympathy in liquid form. I never thought that I would see Reiji cry. It may be cruel to think that. He’s human, too, but the tears took me by surprise. “Don’t insult yourself. I really do love you, Ben, and it’s painful to listen to you talk so adoringly about another guy, but it’s even more painful when you look down so much on my idea of perfection.”

My heart speeds up, but not to burst out of my chest, rather to send all the blood to my face. I blush and my face burns. I imagine myself to look like one of those cartoon characters with tomato red faces and that makes me more flustered.

Kiara clears her throat. “Let’s not get side tracked,” she smirks.

“They decided to make the fact that I have two mothers public,” I say. “I knew it had to be Jason because he and Kiara were the only people I had told and Kiara had left that year, but I still refused to believe it.  It was stupid to trust anyone with that since it made Jenna a target as well. It wasn’t that bad though. Some people treated me nicely, most didn’t care, but there were a few who had to make it difficult. I didn’t really care; I kept hanging out with Jason. You can guess what happened a week later.”

They both stayed silent.

“They came after me,” I continue. “It was a Friday and I happened to stay in school until the sun set with Jason that day. I didn’t think much of the fact that five guys from Jenna’s class were following us and that two of them were Jason’s elder brothers. It was already dark and I couldn’t do much when Jason refused to walk fast or when the five guys cornered me into an alley way. I can’t remember what happened to Jason, I think he just left, but I kept seeing him when they hurt me. I saw him smile. Maybe he did, maybe he watched me get hurt, maybe he tried to help me. I don’t know. I only remember the pain, their disgusting hands, and heavy breaths. I remember them filming and taking pictures. I remember being left on the cold, dirty concrete when it started to rain. I remember walking home – crawling home with my clothes half torn and completely wet from what I hoped was just the rain water. I remember both of my mums crying. I remember them calling Aaron, who came straight away and then called the police. I remember that they didn’t tell Jenna anything because of her GCSEs.

“I didn’t want her to worry, but instead I ruined our relationship. Jenna got . . . jealous that all the attention was suddenly on me when she needed the support. Of course, I didn’t go to school while she kept getting picked on because I told Jason about our mums. She couldn’t take it anymore so, at one point, she took it on me. She told me that she hated me and that the way I’m acting is _pathetic_ and I suppose I expected to hear that from certain people, but I didn’t think my sister would say something like that. I don’t think she was wrong to act the way she did, but it got to me. That was the first time I tried to kill myself.”

Kiara’s hand slides down my arm and she holds my hand.

“Bunny, you don’t have to -” she starts.

“I was taking some drugs to help me work through the mental stress,” I continue. I squeeze Kiara’s hand to let her know that I appreciate that she cares so much. “It was the easiest way. I decided to overdose. I was in the bathroom. I emptied the entire packet of pills. I didn’t bother locking the door so Aaron came in just as I swallowed them down. He saw the empty packet and panicked. I remember him pulling me towards the toilet and forcing his fingers into my mouth . . . that sounds kind of wrong. Anyway, I threw it all up and he called the ambulance. I remember that he wouldn’t let me go. That was the first time I saw him cry . . . he made me promise to never do something like that again.” My stomach turns at the thought that I broke that promise.

“So, you’ve never cut yourself before?” Rei asks. He seems uncertain if he should ask.

I shake my head, “Pain just reminds me of the things that happened. I don’t want to remember.”

“Why did you decide to do it this time?” Rei asks.

“Reiji!” Kiara shouts.

“I just felt like I deserved it,” I reply.

“Okay! Stop it!” Kiara shouts again. “That’s enough! You’ve said everything there is to say! I’m gonna join everyone else. When you finish the depressing talk, feel free to join us.” She storms out.

Rei and I wait for the door to shut before we both start laughing.

“Bunny,” Rei says when we quiet down.

“Hmm,” I reply. He stands up and moves closer to me. He looks down at me as I sit on the bed.

“Could you by any chance have a ‘type’?” Rei asks. I cock my head to the side to show that I’m confused. “Well, your description of that Jason guy sounded pretty similar to me.”

“Idiot,” I say. “You’re nothing like him.” _“Your personalities are completely different,”_ I think.

“Really? I was hoping that maybe that would increase the likelihood of you having a crush on me.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Don’t hold your breath.” He leans towards me, placing his hands near my knees on the bed. I have to lean back to stop our faces from touching.

“I’m not giving up,” he smirks.

“I didn’t think you would,” I smirk back. He leans further towards me and just as his lips are about to touch mine, I bring my hand between us. He pulls back. “Sorry, but I really am _pathetic_. I think you can find someone better.”

“Don’t start with that bullshit.” I look up; he looks angry and I imagine my face to look scared. I am slightly scared. “What did you do that makes you-?”

“I didn’t fight back,” I interrupt him. “I didn’t fight back because I thought my pain would make Jason happy. I wanted him so fucking much that I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. You don’t get it. If I stop them, none of this would have happened. Even if I couldn’t have stopped them, I should have tried. I didn’t. Does that even count as rape?”

“Of course, it does,” Rei says. “This is a bad thing to say and you might hate me for it, but I really don’t regret anything that happened today because it made me closer to you. Everything turned out all right in the end and now I’m closer to you than I could have hoped for. I’m sorry to say this, but – in the end – I’m happy.” He pulls further away from me. “Sorry. I won’t force you anymore. I understand why you would feel uncomfortable with me being so pushy.”

“I never said I was uncomfortable,” I mumble. Rei’s touchy and pushy nature can be a bit much at times, but there is something irresistible about him when he acts like that. It feels like he really likes me. I bring my attention back to Rei to see him smirk. “Has anyone ever told you that you look really stupid when you make that face?”

“Really?” he asks sarcastically. “I always saw myself to be a bit of a heartthrob.” I grab one of the pillows on my bed and cover his face with it, pushing him away.

“Idiot.” Rei laughs. He grabs both my wrists with one hand and pulls the pillow away with the other, throwing it back onto the bed. “What are you -?” He pulls me up to my feet.

“Let’s go see what the other ‘idiots’ are up to,” he smirks. Something about that smirk brings up some déjà vu.

**Sage**

Jae, Claude, and I decide to leave first. Jae wanted to stay and help Jenna, but – no matter how large the house is – it’s crowded when there are around ten teenagers handing around the living room. Plus, Jenna didn’t seem to need much help. Lately the three of us have been spending all our free time with Jenna and – even though Jenna is great – there are times when we need to have some time separately, so we decided to sleep over at my house while my mum’s out.

“Should we have stayed there longer?” Jae asks.

“Jae, chill. You’ll see her tomorrow,” I say. “Probably.”

“Thanks,” Jae replies jokingly.

“You’re really clingy,” I say. “Relax. Girls aren’t into shit like that.”

“And most guys don’t like it much when a girl swears like a sailor,” he replies.

“What if I go for a girl?”

“Yeah,” he says. “Good luck with that. You’re straight as an arrow and you can’t deny it.”

“Fuck you,” I laugh. “I’ve never dated a girl so I wouldn’t know.” I think for a moment then say, “Like, that ginger girl from Year 10 is really cute.”

“She’d be scared of you,” Jae says. “The girl’s a helpless little bird compared to you.” He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. It’s an unbearably sexy move. My heart freaks out.

 _“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m straight,”_ I think.

“There’s a difference between _cute_ and _attractive_ ,” Claude speaks up. His breath comes out in a cloud in the cold air as he wraps a scarf around his neck. His long, blonde hair gets caught in the scarf and he doesn’t bother pulling it lose.

“And is there anyone _you_ find _attractive_?” I say teasingly. Claude just rolls his eyes and keeps walking. There wasn’t much point in asking since I already know that Claude’s been crushing on Jae for the last four years and a bit. The three of us became friends half way through Year 7 and ever since then I’ve noticed that the way Claude looks at Jae is different from everyone else. I’d like him to get over the crush because Jae has always been head over heels for girls. Now the girl he likes is Jenna. It’s always painfully obvious who Jae has a crush on and I can’t imagine how that makes Claude feel.

I must admit that Jae is hot and at some point, we dated, but I’m over him. He’s just not right for me and I don’t think that he would be right for Claude, but that doesn’t stop the latter shivering every time their hands happen to brush against each over. Plus, Claude is also super hot and he’s wasting his good looks on a one-sided crush.

“Wait,” Jae says to Claude. “So, there’s someone you like? Who is it?”

Claude frowns, “No one.”

“Do I know them? Is it a guy or a girl?” Jae keeps asking.

“No one.”

“Come on, Claude,” Jae practically begs.

Claude sighs, “No one doesn’t have a gender.”

“Fuck you,” Jae says disappointedly.

“Please don’t,” Claude replies. Jae elbows him as we keep walking and I laugh.

Jae may be clever in class, but he’s a total idiot when it comes to the real world.

“So,” Jae says. “Where do you think that picture came from?” I think back to the photo of Jenna’s little brother that spread across school.

“I think if the person who took it went to our school Ben would have realised,” Claude says. “I don’t think it would have been that hard to find out what school Ben went to through social media and find his phone number and the numbers of some of his classmates from there. If someone from his class got it, surely the photo would have spread like wild fire.”

“Dude,” Jae says. “You really freak me out sometimes. How could you say that with no emotion whatsoever?”

Claude shrugs, “I’m not saying that that’s what happened. I’m just thinking logically.”

An awkward silence fills the air between us as we make our way to my front door. I knock and a minute later my dad opens the door.

“Hey, kido. Hello boys.” He says, stepping aside to let us in.

“Hello Mr Milton.” Claude is the only one who bothers to reply.

“Not a great day?” Dad asks.

“Not particularly,” I reply. “Pizza.” It’s more a command then a suggestion so my dad just smiles and goes to pick up the phone, while we set up the mattresses in my room. I know it might be weird that, at my age, my parents allow me to sleepover with two guys, but my parents never really cared much, at least not my dad.

“What do you guys want to do?” I ask.

“Sleep,” Claude says. I frown.

“Yeah, not happening,” I reply.

“Is happening,” Jae says. “We have school tomorrow, but I’m not sleeping quite yet. I want pizza.” Claude takes his back pack and fishes out his pyjamas and some random toiletries. And suddenly, he decides to take off his school shirt.

“Dude,” I say, covering my eyes. “Warn me when you’re about to strip.” Now it’s Jae who decides to unbutton his top. I can just make out his smirking face through my fingers. “Bloody bastards.”

Jae laughs, “What’s wrong, Sage? I’m sure you’ve seen guys topless before.”

“I prefer you guys fully clothed,” I reply. Both Jae and Claude laugh. I move my hands away to still see two hot, topless guys in my room. “You guys have nothing better to do?” Claude’s back is almost porcelain and there is absolutely no hair on his chest. However, if I look closely, I can see the faint line on Claude’s back from wearing a bra from time to time. People may be wrong to think that he’s transgender, but he does in fact cross dress and that’s the only reason certain girls at school don’t even try going for him.

I can’t lie to myself that my crush on Claude didn’t die down when I found out though. My feelings are nothing serious or deep, but Claude is the reason I don’t agree with Jae’s statement of being “straight as an arrow”.  Claude looks hot as fuck in a dress and with make up on. Only problem is: I’m crushing on a guy who has a crush on my ex-boyfriend, whom I dumped because I discovered my minor crush for Claude.

This is really messed up.

*/*/*

All through the sleepover, I catch Claude looking at Jae. His face is well pulled together so no emotion gets across, but I can see how tired he is of his own feelings towards Jae. I know Claude likes Jenna – there’s nothing to dislike about her – but he’s frustrated.

“Hey,” Jae says into his phone. “So . . . did everything sort itself out since we left?”

The voice from the other end sounds weird and muffled, but it’s clearly Jenna. “Aaron knows,” she says. There’s no particular emotion since the phone just can’t convey it. “Benji told him, but I don’t think Aaron’s gonna tell my parents. This is the closest Benji has ever gotten to actually killing himself, so it’s a bit worrying for all of us, but mostly Aaron. No one can care as much as Aaron.” There is a long pause. “Thank you,” she finally says. I hear myself gasp because of how unexpected the gratitude is. “I mean, everyone really helped, but you especially, Jae. You held my hand all through the search and on the way home and . . . it really helped. So, thank you, again. I’ll see you tomorrow and thank Sage and Claude for me, please.”

“Umm, okay. Bye.” Jae looks just as surprised as I feel. A quiet “bye” echoes back from the other end before Jae switches his phone off. I see a large grin spread across his lips. “Did you guys hear that?!”

“How could we not have,” Claude smiles. “Congrats.”

It’s scary how real Claude’s smile looks.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think anything really important happens in this chapter, but I needed a small break from all the drama in the last chapter so it works great as filler. Nonetheless, it's quite cute and the next chapter will have a Tae and Tyler moment for sure . . . I hope. :D

**Chapter 14 - Tyler**

“Was it you?!” Reiji yells. “Did you spread the picture?! How did you find it?!” He pushes Raymond against the lockers in the hallway. It’s very early and most of the students and teachers haven’t arrived yet, but – with the amount of racket Rei is causing – everyone who is here will probably gather around soon to find out what’s going on.

“Calm down, Rei.” I pull Reiji back; my arms are tightly wrapped around his chest to stop him from beating up Raymond. The latter remains pressed against the lockers. He looks like a terrified puppy, but with several piercings. At times when Raymond doesn’t try to act like a jerk, you can actually notice that the guy has something cute about him.

But it’s nothing compared to Tae.

“He has to pay for what he did,” Rei replies, his eyes burn with fury.

“You don’t know if it was -” I start to say, but Raymond interrupts me.

“I didn’t do anything,” he says. He steps towards Rei to look down on him.

“Liar!” Rei yells. He tries to get his arms out of my grip, but that only makes me tighten my arms around him.

“I’m not lying. I understand that you see me as a piece of shit -” Raymond says.

“So, you do know what you act like,” Rei interrupts him. His signature smirk spreads across his face, but I can tell that he is still mad.

Raymond grits his teeth, but keeps talking, “But I would never go as far as physically abusing or mocking people for being physically abused!”

I feel Rei’s arms relax and release him. He quickly moves towards Raymond pushing him back against the lockers and I panic, but – before I could separate them – Rei says, “Fine, but I still don’t trust you. If I find out it _was_ you, you’ll pay.” He steps backwards to look at his terrified victim, smirks, and walks away.

“Dude,” I say to Rei. “That was cruel.”

“I know,” he replies. “You know I don’t usually act like that. I just . . . I want to know who did it. Why would someone do that?”

“Bro, everything will be fine. The teachers know now and so does Bunny’s brother, they will make sure Bunny is treated properly.” Reiji visibly relax and we kept walking to the form rooms.

Ben’s brother decided it would be best for Ben to not come into school until after the October break, so he’s just missing this last half day. When Aaron returned from work yesterday, he looked like a complete mess. Apparently, the school emailed him about Ben going home because he felt sick and he realised that something was wrong straight away. Ben said that Aaron had a meeting outside of Upville, so Aaron drove all the way to Upville and then had to climb uphill my foot all the way to his house. He was completely flushed from running in the cold weather and his straight, blond hair looked worse than Reiji’s (on a ‘good hair day’).

“Anyway,” I say. “I understand why you thought it might be Raymond, but why were you so violent?”

“The guy annoys me,” Rei answered plainly.

“Yeah,” I say. “That’s not a good enough reason.”

“I’m just frustrated, Ty,” he replied. “I was always worried about you and Tae and now I also have to worry about Bunny.”

“Sorry,” I say as we reach my form room.

Rei shakes his head, “Don’t apologise. You and Tae make a perfect couple and I can’t imagine you guys any other way, I just . . . worry.” That’s when I hug him. I know that most people would think that it’s weird, but I’ve always been the type of guy who likes hugs. Rei hugs me back and smiles.

“So, is your _beloved_ coming to my birthday celebration?” I ask.

Rei laughs, “If he doesn’t agree, I’ll just drag him there.”

“Hmm,” I reply. “Just be considerate of his feelings.”

“Says you.”

“Hey! What’s wrong with me saying it? I’m a very considerate and sensitive person,” I pout.

“Sensitive, yes. Considerate, no. Unless it’s Tae. You always become your best self when he’s around.”

“Of course. I’m the perfect boyfriend.”

“Uh-huh,” Rei nods sarcastically. “I feel sorry for Tae.”

“F off,” I say. Rei smirks at the responds. “And stop smirking like that, one day your face will get stuck like that.”

“Would that be a problem. I look irresistible like this,” Rei jokes.

“And yet, Bunny is resisting.”

**Aya**

I just sit silently outside the school. I share a form room with Reiji and Tae, so it’s very likely that I will see them if I go and wait there. I flick through anything I come across on my phone. I want to listen to k-pop or catch up on the latest anime episode from _Yuri! On Ice_ , but my mind keeps drifting to the fact that it’s very possible that my girlfriend was responsible for the photo spreading through school. I slap my face in the hopes of getting the idea out of my mind.

“She wouldn’t do something so stupid,” I mumble to myself. “Girl, you have trust issues. Just talk to her.” The ends of my fingers are freezing now and I’m really tempted to go inside, but I still have another 20 minutes until the bell rings and Reiji is probably already looking for whoever got hold of the photo first. If he asks me what I think, I won’t be able to lie to him.

I don’t think it was Mika – or, at least, I hope it wasn’t her.

I know she told Beth and Stacy, but maybe some else got the photo before Mika and they were the one, or ones, to send it to several people. Mika was just unlucky and received the photo and maybe she wasn’t the one to start talking about it first.

“Yeah, likely story,” I laugh at my own stupidity. “Of course, it was Mika. I know it was, I can’t just . . . not accept it.”

“Not accept what? What did I do?” I hear Mika’s voice before I see her sitting down on the bench beside me. “We should go inside,” she shivers. “It’s getting cold.”

I grit my teeth, “I don’t want to talk to you right now.” I turn away from her.

“What?” she sounds surprised. “Wait, Aya, what did I do?”

“You tell me.”

“I don’t like these types of games,” she says. I turn back around to look at her. She looks cute with that white, fluffy scarf covering her neck and mouth and her nose being red from the cold. It’s hard to remind myself that I’m supposed to be mad.

“Yeah,” I say. “And many people didn’t like what you did with that photo.”

Her eyes widen in shock and her face is drained of all colour, “So that’s what this is about.” She says looking away from me.

“So, it was you!”

“I didn’t think this would happen! I only told Stacy, then she told Beth.”

“Beth,” I repeat. Anyone in my class who is interested in girls would have had a crush on Beth at some point. You can’t help it, she’s hot, but only appearance wise. I suppose her personality isn’t that bad, but I certainly don’t see her as someone you would want to date because nothing that you say would stay ‘just between us’. She talks about everything and that is not an exaggeration.

Mika covers her face, “I know.”

“Look,” I sigh. “I still like you, but it might be best if you don’t show up around my friends for a bit.” I hear her sobs and I feel sorry for her. “You’re lucky we stopped him.”

“. . . What?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say. We sit together in silence, neither of us moves until we hear the bell ring.

The first this Rei says when I walk into the classroom is “Was it Mika?” and when I look down at the ground instead of replying, I hear him sigh. “Right,” he mumbles.

*/*/*

We decide to spend the afternoon in Upville’s shopping avenue, so to speak. It’s basically a very, very long street with shops, cafes, bars, clubs, and all that stuff. On the way there from school, Rei and Kiara keep insisting that we check if _Bunny_ can come along and Jenna keeps telling them that there is no way that Aaron would let _Benji_ leave the house. It takes them some convincing, but Aaron eventually lets Bunny come along.

“Woohoo! Three cheers for me, the master of persuasion! Hip hip . . .” Rei yells cheerfully.

“Fuck you. Who said I wanted to come?” Bunny says with a sour tone to his voice.

“You were meant to say ‘Hurray!’, Bunny,” Rei says, mocking Bunny’s sour expression.

“I’m not stupid, I just didn’t want to.”

“Sure,” Rei says smugly. Bunny glares at him, but I notice that something about the way the latter moves has changed. He seems to almost be leaning into Rei. It’s cute.

Tae and Tyler are obviously their usual _subtle_ selves. They try to hide how gay they are for each other, but miserably fail. Tyler keeps “unconsciously” holding Tae’s hand or bringing his face so close to Tae’s that it looks like they’re about to make out and, of course, Tae doesn’t bat an eyelid at his boyfriend’s behaviour.

I also notice that Tae’s brother is constantly circling around Jenna. Either holding her hand or making cringe, pathetic jokes that she still laughs at. I must say that they would make a brilliant couple. They both seem very nice and they are both good looking. I mean, Jae has something attractive about the way he carries himself and Jenna is nothing sort of beautiful. Not my type though. She’s probably straight anyway.

I also notice the hot, dark skinned girl – Sage – giggling at things the slim, tall, blond guy says. _“Claude,”_ I think. Of course, giggling doesn’t mean anything, but the guy is really good looking and he could easily pass as a model. He’s also a star employee at that one hairdressing place Upville has even though he’s much younger than everyone else who works there. However, Claude doesn’t seem very interested in her or anyone else for that matter. He just stays silent and adds a few sassy comments where appropriate.

Kiara is her usual, annoying self. And . . . Mika isn’t here.

**Benjamin**

“No way,” I say. “I would never where something like that.” Kiara is holding out a soft, fluffy white jumper. I can only imagine looking like a sheep if I put it on.

“Come on, Bunny. It will bring out your curls,” Rei says. He runs his fingers through my hair and I frown at him.

“I was afraid you would say ‘curves’,” I reply.

“Hah!” he exclaims. “I would love to say that it would, but you don’t have any curves to bring out.”

“Fuck you.”

“You’ve said that several times today already.” I feel like a sexual joke might be coming along, so I cover his mouth before he can say anything else and turn my attention back to Kiara, who is glaring at me.

“As punishment for forgetting that I was here,” she starts. “Try this on.” She throws the jumper at me and drags me towards the changing rooms. She seems to temporarily forget that she identifies as female and walks into the male changing rooms with me before blushing with embarrassment and running back out.

*/*/*

“This is my dad’s place,” Rei says as he leads us into an Italian restaurant: one of the very few restaurants in Upville. “Now, who wants pasta, who wants pizza, and who wants salad.” Rei sets off to find us a table before handing everyone a menu.

I’m quite exhausted since yesterday was a difficult day and today I’ve been trying very hard not to fall under the almighty powers of depression. Hanging out with everyone was probably the best thing for me because I probably would have spent the whole day replaying everything stupid I did in my life and hating myself. The cuts weren’t deep at all and safely wrapped in fresh bandaging, but the occasionally sting in my wrist or looking down at the bandages reminds me how close I came to killing myself.

It’s not scary to think I almost lost my life. It was my own choice and that thought has crossed my mind multiple times before, but it’s not something that’s pleasant to think about. I try by hardest not to drift into the dark bits of my memory and to ‘live in the moment’ because everything that happened yesterday is so fresh in my memory that a single word can make me recall how I hurt everyone else.

Including Aaron. Especially Aaron. He refused to take his eyes of me this morning and he didn’t sleep at night. I woke up a few times to hear him pacing around the kitchen or see him looking into my room to make sure I was in bed. He also phoned up a doctor, whom we went to see this morning to make sure I didn’t hurt myself too severely.

“Bunny, what will you have?” Rei asks. He smiles at me and I can’t help sticking my tongue out at him. I feel like a child.

“I’ll have the ravioli and some water,” I say to the waiter.

“He’ll also have the _chocolate, pistachio and nougat semi-freddo_ ,” Rei says. I glare at him because I have nothing better to do. The waiter collects the rest of the orders and leaves. “Don’t worry,” Rei says. “I know you like sweet things, I ordered you an ice cream.”

“Why didn’t you order yourself anything?” I ask.

“Well, isn’t it obvious?” he says. “I want to share with you.”

“Idiot,” I say as I look away from the moron that I might be developing feelings for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the start of a small break from Bunny's history, but please don't forget about Jason. *hint hint*


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! More about Raymond. I will add more information and I did add a few clues about the fact that something is going on with Ash (new character), but it may not be very clear. Yet.  
> I should also probably leave a warning that the end of the chapter is a bit confusing.  
> Also, sorry for typos and bad grammar, it's really late.

**Chapter 15 – Claude**

There really is nothing better than getting the opportunity to be who you really want to be without anyone saying anything. Of course, dressing up as a girl in Upville is a recipe for disaster. It’s guaranteed that someone from school will see me and – possibly with no actual bad intention – rumours will start spreading again.  At some point, the people in my class thought I was some sort of playboy when a bra slipped out of my PE bag. Most people didn’t believe that and the rumours about me being transgender started to circulate. They’re not true, but I know now how much shit a kid who is transgender would have to go through.

I step onto the train station platform and quickly move towards the toilets. It’s lucky that this particular platform has several disabled toilets that are not separated by gender because it would be weird if I went into the men’s toilets and came out dressed as a girl or vice versa. I put down the toilet lid and place the large, grey shoulder-bag I carried here. It’s always best to dress lightly because then it’s simple to carry all the items of clothing in one bag, but it’s October and much too cold in the Northern parts of the UK. I remove the black hoodie and plain t-shirt I’m wearing and pull out a woollen, pastel blue coloured jumper from the bag, as well as a white bra and the padding I fill it with.

I ready don’t know when my hobby started. I don’t feel at all uncomfortable being a guy, but at the same time I feel like being a girl is amazing. I love how I have the freedom to experiment as much as I want with my appearance and – though people may stare – I won’t be seen as some sort of social outcaste. I like spending time on making myself look good and I’m not vain; I’m never quite satisfied with the way I look, but the ability to do anything I want to make myself look better also makes me feel better. I find a pair of grey skinny jeans and black, heeled ankle boots. It’s not a very high heel; it’s only elevated slightly to make my feet look smaller. The size of my feet isn’t enough to give away the fact that I’m a guy, but I like to play safe.

I take out the small makeup bag that literally lives in this bag – I can’t afford to get caught – and position it in the sink in front of the mirror. During the last few months of applying makeup I’ve been improving constantly. It does take some skill to make masculine features more feminine, though my features aren’t particularly masculine in the first place. Finally, I use some hairspray to add more volume to my hair and secure a thin silver chain around my neck with a small elephant pendant. I leave the toilet with the large bag full of clothes hanging loosely from my shoulder and leave the railway station to get to my destination.

At the start of the summer holidays I was lucky enough to find this bar that was willing to employ me dressed as a girl. I suppose it could be called a bar; it’s a teen or older place during the day, but becomes like an eighteen or older place when it gets dark. I’m sure I could easily pass for an adult if I wanted to and the owner wouldn’t care enough to make sure, but I don’t particularly want to deal with outrageously wasted adults . . . usually.

There was that one time, but that’s not a memory I want to recall. However, the bar does have a shady club look to it. Most of the furniture is dark coloured and the light is quite dim. The bar itself is underground so there are no windows, but a large black door opens to stairs that lead up to the street where the bar’s name, _No. 9_ , is displayed in neon red letters. I honestly don’t know why it was named that.

I arrive at the bar and slip into the changing rooms to dump my bag and change into my uniform. I suppose it’s a waste of time to change into casual female clothes in the first place, but I don’t usually get many opportunities so I do it whenever I can.

“Ma’am, could we order?” I hear a young woman call from table number four.

“I’ll be there in a sec,” I pick up my order booklet and a black pen and make my way to the lady and man sitting across from each other. “Could I take your order?”

*/*/*

“I never really meant to hurt him. I couldn’t control it.” One of the guys I work with has been going on about something and I feel like a God damn confessional. I never asked to hear his life story and yet he’s telling me about all his life problems because he knows that we will probably never meet outside our shifts together. “I mean, the other guy was so hot, you know? How could I resist?” And I do think it’s his fault that this boyfriend dumped him. What did he expect? To be forgiven for sleeping with some other guy because he was “hot”?

People are amazing creature. And by amazing, I mean moderately fucked up.

“Hey, are you a virgin?” the guy suddenly asks.

“Well, I’m underaged so if that question is meant to suggest something then you’re a paedophile,” I answer back. I’ve noticed that I try to raise the pitch of my voice when I talk to customers, but the people I work with know that I’m a guy so I don’t try to act more feminine.

“The question didn’t imply anything so don’t worry. I was just wondering if you could empathise with me,” he replies. I have to say that the guy is quite attractive. He has wavy, brown hair that’s tied into a loose ponytail and his tattoos look awesome, the guy can’t be much older than twenty. “Hey, those kids over there keep glancing at you. Maybe someone noticed how pretty you are.”

“Ew. I don’t need compliments from some old man,” I joke as I look back to see who the ‘kids’ are.

“Hah. I’m not even close to being an old man. And even if I was, I’d still be more attractive than you,” he says.

_“Vain bastard,”_ I think. “Keep dreaming.”

And then I wish that I was dreaming. It’s a crowded table with a bunch of teens sitting around it and then I realise that they are from North Upville High School. In particular, I recognise Raymond. The guy is facing towards me so I can see his face, but he doesn’t look at me. I recognise the way his hair is styled in a quiff, neatly shaved where necessary and gelled at the top, and the piercings that reflect the dim light in the bar. I can make out five on each ear, one going through his left eyebrow, spider bites hoop piercings on the right side of his lip, and possibly several more that I can’t see. It unusually to see so many as there are certain rules in school so he usually just has one or two piercings in.

“Shouldn’t you get their order?” the guy asks.

“You can do it,” I reply. _“I don’t want them to recognise me. It can’t be that difficult.”_

“Sorry, my break starts . . . now!” He slips away into the back room and leaves me to manage the alcohol bar.

I know it’s legal to have an underaged kid working at a bar in some places, but I have my doubts about when it comes to working with alcohol. I decide to take over someone else’s collecting orders position and for them to manage the alcohol.

“Could we order?” My heart stops when I realise that I have to collect order from _that_ table.

“Yes?” I say. I make sure that my head is looking down at the small notebook in my hand and fiddle with my hair so it covers my face.

“Hey, you shy?” one of the guys says. I’m too scared to speak up; some of the people at the table are from my class.

“Hey, don’t flirt with some random waitress!” the girl sitting next to him whines. She’s pretty, but the super-miniskirt leaves very little to the imagination and it makes me feel uncomfortable for her. They guy laughs as his hand creeps up her thigh. I swiftly look away. To my disappointment, my eyes meet Raymond’s.

_“Shit,”_ I think, looking back at the small notebook in my hands and clear my throat to remind them why I’m here.

“I’ll order first,” Raymond says.

*/*/*

I leave the café and make my way through the crowd to a small park three blocks away. The place is crowded with little children and their parents, but I just walk around the play area following the small footpaths leading through the naked trees. My heels hurt from the slightly elevated heel, but the pain reminds me that I’m still dressed as a girl and that pleases me. My grip on the strap of my bag tightens and I left myself smile.

“Hear that, Ash? That’s a Green Finch call.” I hear a quiet voice somewhere further down the path and it sounds oddly familiar, but I’ve never hear the voice in this type of tone. “Hear that? That’s the bird again.”

I walk further down the path and I’m completely baffled when I realize who’s talking. I see a small boy – Ash, I suppose – of about three years old and he’s holding an older boy’s hand, who is crouching down beside him.

It’s Raymond.

The worst bully at school and the biggest bad boy in Upville is babysitting a little kid. A little kid that looks similar enough to Raymond to be his little brother. They have the same dark brown hair and icy blue eyes.

_Crack._ I step on a twig and Raymond and Ash look up at me. I notice that the little boy’s eyes trace my general shape, but don’t stop to look at my face.

“Oh,” Raymond says, standing up. “It’s you again.” I just shrug, not knowing how else I can react.

“Just taking a walk,” I response. I notice the pinch of my voice go higher and I realise that I’m no longer responsible for the change.

“You must be crazy,” Raymond says. I don’t understand what he’s talking about, so I just shrug again. “You think I don’t recognise you in that get up.”

I’m stunned, “But you didn’t say anything earlier.”

“Did you want me to?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. I shake my head. “It’s really unflattering on you though. Sure, you’re slim, but you don’t have the same gentle, cute appeal a girl has. I mean, you don’t have much grace and beauty to show off. Your clothes are the only thing that look even mildly appealing.”

I feel my hands tighten into fists, “Well, fuck you. If you want to keep spreading rumours about me, feel free! Just know that I am not transgender and nor am I dressing up to please people around me! I don’t care what you think!”

“Yeah,” he smiles. “I can see that you don’t care by your reaction.”

“Most people don’t appreciate their emotions being toyed with,” I reply. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll leave you two in peace.” I walk past them; I only hear Raymond calling me when I’m about twenty metres away from them.

“Just dress as a guy! You look more attractive in guy clothes!” he yells before walking in the opposite direction, still holding Ash’s hand. I don’t look back at them, but I feel the pain from his previous insults being lifted off.

_“Forget it, Claude. He’s just trying to find another way to get to you.”_

**Benjamin**

The clouds are just as grey and the mirror is just as filled with lies. Mornings are just as sour and memories are just as painful. The cuts still hurt and the pills are still just as useless. The doctor seemed to prescribe me some sort of smiling pills from the way he described them, but I’m still not getting anywhere with them. I missed my shift at Morning Sunshine today because I just didn’t want to get out of bed after the horrid migraine.

My phone has been having a seizure all morning. I can only imagine the number of texts I’m getting from Kiara and Reiji. Jenna has also been trying to sneak food into my room when I didn’t get up for breakfast. First, she made some chocolate-chip cookies. They tasted like cardboard with sugar sprinkled on top. Then she decided to cheer me up by making muffins. Muffins do not taste good if you forget to add the sugar: it tasted like a sponge.

I hear a knock on my door. I groan and throw the blanket over myself before I hear the door slide open. I hear a gentle chuckle.

“Ben, you’ve got visitors,” Aaron says.

“Tell them to get lost,” I reply and pause to think. “And tell them to quit with the obnoxious texting or I will make sure they can never text again.”

“You can tell them all that yourself,” Aaron laughs before shutting the door as he leaves. I hear someone walk towards my bed and sit on the edge. It’s much too gentle to be Reiji or Kiara. I look up from underneath my blanket.

It’s Tae. He’s wearing a loose grey jumper and a dark green scarf tied around his neck; it matches his eyes. I feel temporarily mesmerised by him.

“How are you?” Tae asks. I raise an eyebrow instead of answering. “Rei has been going on about how you didn’t come to work,” he explains.

“I feel fine,” I say. _“As fine as it can get.”_

“Bunny,” he says and quickly corrects himself. “Ben, do you like Reiji?”

The question comes out of nowhere and I briefly feel like I’ve been hit around the head with something heavy. I don’t know how to reply, but Tae keeps talking.

“It’s quite obvious that Rei is love stuck and I know that he’s confessed. Don’t worry; I’m not trying to rush you or force you into anything, but I just think that you should give Reiji a clear, definite answer: yes or no.” Suddenly, he sounds like he’s begging, “Please, Ben. He’s literally been talking about you nonstop and – this may be selfish, but – he’s totally stealing all of Tyler’s attention for himself!”

“Jealous?”

“Exactly!”

I chuckle and then sigh, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Tell him the truth,” Tae says.

“I don’t know what the truth is.” Tae stays silent. “I can’t really trust anyone yet.”

“I understand,” he says.

_“Sorry, Tae, but you don’t understand and I hope you never have to.”_

**Jason**

_What did you do? You loved him._

_How could you possibly be in love with a guy?_

_He was always there for you._

_He used you._

_He treated you better than anyone else could._

_He would throw you away in the end._

_He saw you are someone special._

_He saw you as just another piece of garbage._

_He loved you._

_He didn’t care._

_He wanted to help,_

_And he paid the price for being too kind._

_He listened,_

_But he didn’t understand you._

_You hurt him,_

_You did what you had to._

_You destroyed him,_

_You did what was right._

What did I do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will post more soon, but thanks for reading.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the very long wait. It's getting difficult to post.
> 
> By the way, any "typos" in the last part of this chapter are on purpose. You'll see what I mean.

**Chapter 16 – Tyler**

“Would you stop with the paintings?” Tae whines. He slips into my line of vision: between myself and my plank canvas. He sits on my lap, facing me.

I smile up at him, but he sticks his lips out and pouts at me. “I can’t really paint much at my house, Tae?”

“You should tell your dad,” he said. I can’t help but frown. “I mean, you do everything he wants you to do. He can’t be mad at you for having other hobbies, too.”

“But I like art more than any type of sport my dad forces me to do,” I reply. Tae stays silent for a moment before he twists around to pick something up off the table the canvas is sitting next to.

“Close your eyes,” Tae says.

“What are you planning?”

He sighs, “Just do it.” I chuckle, but close my eyes. Everything seems still for a second before I feel something cold on my forehead and my eyes snap open.

“Tae, what are you doing?” Tae is leaning back as he watches himself drag the paint-covered blush down my face.

“You’re always painting me, so I thought I would repay the favour.” I hear the amusement in his voice and I’m not particularly bothered by the paint on my face. Last time I checked, the paint was washable . . . I think. Tae dips the brush into another colour and continues what he started.

“I would be more than happy if you painted me, but not exactly like this,” I say as I try to hold back a laugh from the tickly feeling of the brush. Tae slips the brush down my nose, but his eyes focus on my lips and his hand stops moving.

He is so _freaking_ adorable.

I lean forward and kiss him. I don’t let him take the kiss any further by pressing my paint-covered forehead against his.

“Ew,” he whines and pushes away from me. I notice that there is a vague shape of a heart on his forehead from the multicoloured paint. He scrunches his face up before reaching to wipe off the paint.

I laugh, “You’re too cute, babe.”

“I hate the word _babe_ ,” he frowns.

“ _Boo_?” I suggest.

“No. Ew. What are you? A ghost?”

“ _Baby_?”

“Meh. It’s better, but it’s cringey as fuck,” he says.

I smirk, “ _Daddy_?”

Tae eyes go wide with horror, “No! Hell, no! Never in the freaking world! No! What the bloody hell is wrong with you? No!” I can’t help laughing. Tae looks so lovable when he’s flushing with embarrassment and is desperately searching for a sassy comeback. “Fuck you, Ty.”

“Feel free to,” I joke. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his shirt.

“Damn it! Ty, the paint!” I seem to temporarily forget that half of my face is covered in paint and, now, so is Tae’s white t-shirt. “Great,” he mumbles.

“Well, at least now you have a Halloween costume for later today.” I smile at him. I know he already has one and I know that I’m the one who picked it out for him, but I can’t miss this opportunity to tease him.

He raises an eyebrow, “And what exactly would this be?”

I smirk – and every time I do, I remind myself of Rei, “A hot mess. Or a rainbow if you like?”

“Yeah, right. You’re _much_ gayer than me,” he says.

“Pft,” I laugh through my teeth. “Of course, I am. You don’t get more homo than me.”

Tae thinks for a second and then smiles at me mischievously. “Under normal circumstances, I would agree, but . . .”

“But what?”

“But Rei seems to be surpassing you. You haven’t seen the way he looks at Bunny,” he says.

“Hmm,” I hum. “Nah. I still think that I’m a brighter rainbow than anyone else.”

Tae smiles – a loving smile this time. “Of course, you are. No one could ever be brighter than you, at least not for me.”

He leans down and pecks me lips.

Still.

Too.

Freaking.

Adorable.

**Rei**

“Hey!” I yell as I knock on Bunny’s door. It’s already getting dark outside, but the warm lights from the street-lamps makes the dark more than pleasant and the considerably large number of parents walking past, holding hands with their toddlers, only makes the warm atmosphere more noticeable.

“The idiot has arrived,” Bunny says sourly as he steps out of the house. He’s wearing a Dementor’s cloak with a thick black coat over it.

“That’s weak, dude,” I say. I gesture towards the coat.

“At least I know that I won’t be able to survive the whole night with just a black t-shirt,” he gestures back at me. “And what’s with the cat ears?”

“I’m a werecat,” I say. “Meow.”

“So, a domesticated werewolf,” Bunny says, unimpressed. “‘That’s weak, dude.’ And you even have a tail?”

“Of course, I do. I’ve been waiting for a chance to wear it.”

He gives me an _are you insane_ look. “You just randomly have a cat tail laying around your house?”

“I don’t see the problem?” I reply. I hear an almost silent ‘meow’ from just behind Bunny, so I step past him to find the cat. “Come, precious. Come here.” The cat seems very uninterested in me and wonders back into the house.

“I wish I could just walk away,” Bunny says.

“Liar! You’re gonna have the best night of your life,” I say. I take Bunny by the hand as he shuts the door and I start dragging him to the special meeting point.

“If that’s the case,” he says. “Then I’m seriously concerned for how boring the rest of my life is gonna be.” I laugh.

“Don’t worry,” I say. “I’ll always be there to make it better.”

“You and your cat ears?” Bunny teases.

“Yeah, I wish these could be permanent.”

“Well, I suppose they do calm your hair down,” Bunny continues to tease.

“What’s with everyone dissing my hair?” I whine. “It makes me different and special. How can you not appreciate it?”

That’s when my heart ended up in my mouth. Bunny was patting my head. Bunny was _patting_ my head. _Bunny_ was patting _my_ head!

“Well,” he says. “I suppose it’s soft than I expected.” He pulls his hand away, but I grab hold of it. He looks up at me, surprised, but perhaps there is some happiness in his eyes. More than before, anyway. “You really are touchy.”

“I know,” I say. “I don’t want to be and if you really don’t want me to touch you, I will make sure to keep my distance. I just . . . I do really like. It’s a difficult feeling to explain, isn’t it?” We keep walking, but I keep my finger threaded through his. It’s a wonderful feeling. His fingertips are cold and seem to be grabbing onto my larger hand for warmth. It feels so . . . natural.

“Not really.”

Bunny snaps me out of my thoughts, “Huh?”

“It’s not a difficult feeling to explain,” he says after he clears his throat. I notice how he keeps his gaze on the ground in front of him, not looking up at the multiple strangers passing by as if they will all be able to see all the memories that he tries to bury if their eyes meet. Or maybe he’s embarrassed about holding hands. I’ll just pray that the prior is correct. “It’s a pretty obvious feeling. The way your heart both hurts and soars when you’re with that person. They way that you want to know everything about them, but at the same time you wish that you had never met the person because your life becomes so complicated. The never-ending worry that that person will find out about the way you feel or, if they already know, the constant anticipation that they will act upon your feelings.”

“You seem to be a pro at this,” I point out. I squeeze his hand and – for the tiniest microsecond – I feel like he squeezed back.

“I hadn’t finished yet,” he says. Is he . . . no . . . he can’t be . . . is he pouting?

_“So damn adorable,”_ I think. Suddenly, I feel the anger surge through my body. _“How could anyone ever hurt you? How could they use you? Mistreat you. Take advantage of your feelings and then throw you away. How could anyone think that they are above you and that they have the right to make you suffer? How did you let them? Why would you hate yourself so much?”_

I shake my head slightly and say, “Well, continue.”

“I don’t want to anymore,” he says.

“I know you’re adorable, but why are you acting like a five-year-old?” I see him direct his confused gaze at me and then blush when I smile at him.

“Fucking moron,” he says.

“You’re still cute,” I say.

Bunny faces away from me, denying me any access to see his flushed face. I feel his fingertips get colder and his arms tremble slightly. The ends of his ears heart up to a warm pastel pink that contradicts the Dementor’s cloak so much that it’s actually funny.

**Benjamin**

The damn idiot doesn’t know that most of those feelings are now directed at him. His messy hair shows his wild personality and reminds he how different he is from Jason. His dark eyes look almost black with tiny specks of honey-brown look like an entirely black night sky with millions of golden stars breaking through the darkness. The warn, tanned skin. The toned muscles that stretch out any shirt he wears. And – strangely enough – the sweet smell of cinnamon that follows him around.

Everything about Rei is so . . . him.

Even the annoy fact that he never gives up. The way he was able to break me out of my shell and save me, that’s not something anyone else could do.

 

But I don’t know if I can act upon these feelings. I was in love with Jason and I still don’t think that I’m over him, so where is my guarantee that this feeling won’t leave me used and dirtied in the rain. Leave me to be abused and then looked down upon. And even if nothing that extreme happens, how can I survive if he’s no longer there for me.

 

What if I lose him?

**Kiara**

JASON:

I need 2 c him

ME:

 FCK NO!!!!

JASON:

look I messed up

ME:

YEAH U DID

JASON:

I need 2 c him

ME:

IM NOT LETING U C HIM

JASON:

Kiara, please

I’m sure it will be better for everyone if he knows that

I never wanted any of that to happen

ME:

UR AN IDIOT

AND BUNNY WOULD KILL ME IF HE NEW

THAT I AM TALKING 2 U

JASON:

 *knew

And check your caps lock button

ME:

FCK U

JASON:

Kiara, tell me where he is

ME:

No, I am not putting Bunny in danger for u

IDIOT SHTHEAD

JASON:

I’m not asking u to forgive me

I want 2 apologise

I want to make it up to him

ME:

MAKE IT UP 2 HIM?

U R AN IDIOT

THE ONLY WAY 2 MAKE IT UP 2 HIM IS 2 LEAVE HIM

THE FCK ALONE

!!!

NOW GET LOST

JASON:

I’m not leaving u alone until u give me a chance

ME:

NO.

JASON:

Kiara, please

I regret what happened, but I honestly wasn’t in on it

ME:

U FCKIN LIAR

STOP TEXTING ME

AND FORGET ABOUT BUNNY

HE HAS SOMEONE BETTER THAN U

_“Shit,”_ I think to myself. _“Maybe I shouldn’t have brought Reiji up. Bad idea.”_ I fiddle with the phone to delete the message, but it’s too late.

 

JASON:

What?

 

I don’t reply.

 

JASON:

KIARA ANSWER ME

What do u mean?

Is he dating someone?

ME:

BUNNY IS NONE OF UR BUSINESS NOW

I WILL REMIND U THAT U THREW HIM AWAY

NOW FCK OFF

JASON:

I hate u

ME:

The feeling’s mutual, mate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I hate how rubbish this chapter is but exam period is coming up and I don't have enough time. I wanted to get something out because I probably won't be able to post for the next three weeks. I'm sorry.
> 
> I will write more about Jason and Raymond, but it may take some time to develop them. I have a brilliant idea for Raymond, but if you have any thoughts on either of them, I'd be happy to read them.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! I was hoping I would be able to update at least once during the exams, but I was so busy.  
> This chapter is fairly short I think, but the content makes up for it.   
> Please enjoy.

**Chapter 17 – Reiji**

It might be silly to be thinking this when I’ve already confessed to Bunny several times, but I don’t understand what love is.

I don’t understand how a person realises that they want to date someone rather than just be friends with them. But every time I see Bunny, my mind focuses on nothing but him. When he’s around, the rest of the world is gone. Everything seems to flood with fog, all my memories are disturbed by ripples running through them, and all the light reflects off Bunny.

Just as it is now.

The black material of Bunny’s costume brings out his pale skin and blond hair. He’s looks so done as he stands in the crowd of people. He’s face seems to suggest that he’s bored, but he’s eyes keep flicking from person to person, analysing everyone. Before they stop on my eyes.

“What are you staring at?” he frowns. I smile at him as I rest my arm around his shoulders.

“Well, you of course.”

“Well, stop it. Stupid Reiji.”

I laugh, “So cute.” I pat his curly hair: it’s so soft and fluffy.

“Shut up.”

“Bro!” A familiar voice broke through the crowd before Tyler’s head emerged from a row of incredibly tired and warn out adults. His fingers are interlocked with Tae’s as he pulls him along.

Tyler is wearing a werewolf costume that he has been putting together for the last few months. With brown fur on his shoulders and fake claws on his fingers.

Tae makes a very convincing vampire with his ink-black hair straightened with gel and his paper-white skin almost shining. The costume is basic with a long cap and neat white dress-shirt with purposely added blood stains. Fake teeth prevent his mouth from fully closing and small red marks on his lips bring attention to them.

“Ty, don’t yell,” he huffs, but smiles adoringly at his boyfriend.

“But I’m so excited,” Tyler yells. “You guys joining us at Sage’s party?” He elbows Bunny in the stomach with a wink and the blond covers the prior’s face with his hand.

“Two words. Personal. Bubble.” Bunny’s long fingers keep Tyler’s face away from him, but his skinny arms aren’t strong enough to prevent the guy from hugging him.

“I know you love me,” he says. His rib-crushing hug lifts Bunny of the ground for a few seconds.

“Pfft. You wish,” Bunny replies. Finally, breaking free from the hug, he decides to use me as his shield.

“Rude. Anyway, I have Tae so . . .” he sticks his tongue out at the blond and proceeds to wrap his strong arms around Tae.

_I wish I could do that to Bunny._

*/*/*

Sage’s house is overflowing with people. Everyone is from school and everyone is younger than eighteen, but that doesn’t stop the large amounts of alcohol bottles pilling up in every little corner.

“Guys!” she announces as she steps towards her front door to great us.

Her house is huge. Tall ceilings, big windows, countless sofas, everything.

“Sage!” Tyler yells hugging her as well. Bunny leans in towards me and I forget how to breathe when I realise that he’s close enough for me to smell his shampoo.

But then he talks, “What drugs has he taken?”

I feel temporarily lost before I realise that he’s referring to our over-energetic, hugging friend. I laugh. “If it’s a drug,” I say. “Then he takes it constantly.”

“Yeah, but more so today.”

“What will you guys have to drink?” Sage asks as she walks us through the crowd.

“No alcohol,” Tae says plainly. “For anyone here. Ty’s already acting high and wasted and Rei will probably end up doing something he’ll regret if he gets drunk.”

“What are you talking about?” Sage snickers sarcastically.

Yeap. She also seems to know about my itty-bitty little crush.

“Anyway, make yourself feel at home,” she says. “I’ll go join the _fun crowd_ where alcohol isn’t the root of all evil.”

“Then you better not be joining Jenna,” Bunny says. “She wouldn’t touch alcohol if her life depended on it.”

“Don’t worry,” she says. “I’m not actually a drinker. The alcohol is for people like Jack and Nick and Kortney and – you know – Raymond’s gang.”

“Oh, great!” I say. “They’re here?” Sage just shrugs before walking away.

“This is stupid,” Bunny says. “Why are we here?” For the first time today, I notice a hint of discomfort in Bunny’s movements. The ways he seems to shrink into himself. His shoulders slouch, his eyes fall to the ground and he rubs his elbow with his palm. He looks so lost and so fragile, like a lost kitten.

“Don’t worry,” I say. I take his hand in mine and for a second his eyes meet mine and stay there, searching – searching somewhere deep inside. “It’s fine here.”

He frowns, “I know that! I’m just . . . it’s a waste of time.” He turns away from me, lifting his head up and frowning.

“Well,” I smirk. “I suppose there’s always somewhere else we can go.” His eyes study my face for a second before he shakes his head.

“No,” he says. “You might drag me somewhere worse.”

“Like where?” I ask with my eyebrow raised. “What’s worse than an underaged drinking party?” The question is rhetorical. There are a gazillion of places that are worse, but I to see Bunny’s reaction.

His face blushes as he thinks through the options. “Like . . . a -” he mumbles something under his breath.

“What?” I ask, bring my face up close to his. His body jolts as he looks into my eyes.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says.

“But I want to know what made you blush so much,” I fake whining as I smirk on the inside. Bunny’s cheeks get rosier whether it’s from the heat of all the bodies in the house or from being embarrassed: I prefer the latter.

“Shut up, stupid Reiji.”

**Benjamin**

He’s annoying.

He’s annoying as hell, but I love it. I love how even though he says he likes me, he doesn’t constantly try to please me. He’s not afraid to say things when I feel like my life isn’t worth the effort.

I remember him talking about me possibly liking him back when I was confessing to him about being raped. I remember it, but it’s not a bad memory. I love the fact that he doesn’t let me feel down, he doesn’t let me get lost in a forest of memories. Painful memories that are constantly there – only a slip away.

I love his annoying smirk and his playful grins and his suggestive eyebrows. I love the dark, mysterious eyes that seem to always find their way back to me.

I also love how his personality is completely different from the way he looks.

He doesn’t seem to flirt much with anyone but me, he’s really caring and he thinks things through. For example, he has enough brain cells not to drink unlike some people.

And I love his fingers being interlocked with mine as he pulls me out of Sage’s house just twenty minutes after we’ve arrived.

The cold wind seeps through the material of my costume and chills my skin, but the skin touching Reiji is burning. The streets are still full of people, but as he drags me further and further from Sage’s house the number of people around us decreases significantly. We run past houses I’ve never seen before. He pulls me through the narrow alleys between houses, up tiny stone steps, past beautiful flowerbeds and countless overflowing clubs and pubs.

“Rei?” I pant. “Where are we – going?”

He doesn’t reply, but he stops running and looks forwards.

I see it.

He dragged me to a park, far outside the centre of the town with woods surrounding us. There is a small lake in the middle of the park with beautiful tall pine trees growing around it, reflecting in the water, and the moon sits right above the water. Reflecting in the ash black water and illuminating the eternal darkness of the sky. Tiny stars are scattered in the sky and in the water. They’re light insignificant to the moon, but still beautiful beyond belief. All colour but the deep blue of the sky seems to be drained until my eyes adjust to the darkness.

The last few fireflies that have survived the cold so far twinkle around us. They’re bodies producing a soft golden glow and the double in the water and fly past us.

Reiji’s hand still holds mine.

 

I don’t know what comes over me, but I can’t help the pull of Reiji’s lips.

I press my chest against his as I step forward forcing his to take a step back. His back meets a tree trunk and my hand rests on his cheek, the other one still intertwined with his.

I can’t register anything before he tilts his head slightly to the side allowing me to press my lips against his.

I feel my lips tremble as I kiss Rei. His lips are soft and smooth. He smells of mint and cinnamon. His smell fills my nostrils and makes me feel delirious. I pleasant sort of nausea creeps over me as I left myself deepen the kiss. My lips move against his as I pull on his lower lip for access.

It’s soft and Reiji doesn’t move. He allows me to control the kiss. He allows me to do what I like.

He does the same thing that

 

Jason did.

 

“Bunny?”

A voice shatters It’s a voice I didn’t expect to hear. A voice I never thought I would hear again and a voice I never wanted to hear again.

It’s _him_.

**Jason** _– a day earlier_

“Look! Look! It’s him.”

“He has the nerve to show up at school!”

“Is he the guy that -? Oh, God!”

“That bloody-!”

“Sh. Sh. He can hear us.”

“Who bloody cares? He deserves it!”

 

I’ve learned to ignore them.

I’ve learned to build a bubble around myself.

I’ve learned to be stiff, unaffected by anything they say or do.

But that’s not the right way to deal with it. I know that.

Bunny couldn’t run.

He couldn’t ignore everyone.

 

I’m just a coward.

 

“Hey! I think he’s looking this way.”

“Oh, no! Don’t look back at him.”

“He’s coming this way!”

“Move, move!”

 

They all think I’m a monster.

I can’t blame them, to be honest. I was the one who led Bunny on. I didn’t know what would happen. I wasn’t thinking. Now, it’s time for me to pay up for my actions.

I wasn’t in court that day. My brothers and their friends paid for what happened. I stayed at home.

Mother cried. Father yelled. I had a functioning family. Father has started drinking since my brothers went to juvie. Mother spends all her time at work.

They don’t know what I did.

They don’t know it was me. They don’t know I was the reason Bunny got hurt. I never told my brothers anything, but they saw us. They saw Bunny kiss me. His fingers were in my hair, his lips moving against mine.

They found it _pathetic_ , disgusting.

 

And then it happened.

 

I make my way to the library.

I spend all my free time at school in the library. More specifically, at the computers. I don’t need to worry about people seeing what I do because they never come close enough to see.

I open up my emails and smile. Just a little. The most I can manage.

 

**To: J_Cross**

**From: Caroline9**

**Topic: I’m sick of everything right now**

Hey! I haven’t heard much from you in a while now. Please reply. I’m getting worried.

Are you celebrating Halloween tomorrow? My town is crazy about it! We may live in Britain, but that doesn’t stop us. Everyone is dressing up. Pumpkins have been standing outside houses for the last three weeks. No wonder the air smells of rotting vegetables.

Guess what I’ll be wearing.

 

My smile widens a little bit more and I hear a cruel whisper behind me, but I don’t care.

This guy and I have been messaging back and forth since the incident with Bunny. The username he uses is a girl’s name, but from all the talking – or messaging we’ve done – I figured out that _they_ are either non-binary or a guy. The biggest give away was when he was talking about having a crush on a guy and not being able to tell anyone because it is not acceptable where he lives.

 

**To: Caroline9**

**From: J_Cross**

**Topic: RE: I’m sick of everything right now**

Nice! As much as I love the smell of rotting pumpkin, I don’t think I’m going to be celebrating tomorrow. Other things planned.

I told you before that I messed something up, so I decided to fix it. There is this friend that I’m trying to find. I really messed up his life and I don’t really think he would want to see me, but the least I could do is apologise. I really owe him. And, I suppose, I really want to see him. Is that even the right thing to do?

What you’re dressing up as? That’s a hard one. I’d imagine you in a Cleopatra costume, considering your name, or a vampire costume. Though both of those things seem too basic for you. Idk.

I’m hear from you later!

 

I read through the email a good three or four times before pressing send and logging off the school computers.

I walked through the hallway, past the people with a cloud of whispers circling them, I walked into my homeroom and pulled my phone out.

ME:

Expect me

I’m coming tomorrow

KIARA:

UR LYING

ME:

Think what you want

See you later

I switch it off as the teacher comes in.

“Good morning, class.”

“Good morning.”

_“It’s fine, Jason,”_ I think to myself. _“Survive this day and you’ll get to see Bunny.”_

I smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! This took a lot time and I started working on this chapter right after my last exam finished, I also fell asleep twice while writing this so please pardon any bad grammar or spelling errors.
> 
> Hey! Can you guess who Jason's email friend is? Hint: it's someone I've already introduced.
> 
> I think the next chapter will focus on Raymond more. I can't wait to reveal his dark past.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was slightly rushed to finish this chapter because I was leaving so I'm sorry if the ending isn't very good, but I did reveal a lot about Raymond and Claude so I'm happy about that. I'm not finished with them yet, though. :)

**Chapter 18 – Raymond**

I don’t drink.

The bottles they give me keep piling up, but I won’t touch it.

The way drunk people act disgusts me. Everyone around me is drunk. They are all pouring beer down their throats and drowning in vodka. Many of them are making out, lips on each other, tongues everywhere.

I feel sick.

“Hey.” A voice got through to me, drowning out the blaring music. I turn around to see Claude leaning over to whisper in my ear. He looks sober. His long hair is plated and gelled to give it a shine, there is glitter sprinkled on his skin and he’s wearing a long white dress. A costume of something between a beautiful ghost or a wingless fairy.

“Hey. What’s the costume?” I struggle to hear my own voice a _Wiggle_ by Jason Derulo comes on. I cringe on the inside as I see people starting to twerk in my peripheral vision. I’m just so done with everything.

“I honestly wanted to go for something like a mermaid or merman at first, but walking around with a tail would be difficult so I went with whatever happened,” he replied monotonously.

“So, you’re not worried about people finding out about your cross-dressing hobby?”

He shrugs, “It’s Halloween. People don’t question it. Plus, you’re just wearing a black hoodie. Very creative.”

I sigh, “It’s not just a hoodie. I’m also wearing all my piercings. I’m dressed as a hooligan and their the scariest out of all the costumes here because they actually exist.”

“You do know that you don’t need to dress up for people to know you’re a hooligan, right?” Claude says with a tiny smirk.

“Why are you even talking to me?” I change the subject. I appreciate knowing that Claude doesn’t absolutely hate me, but it’s stupid of him not to. “I mean, after everything I’ve done, you’re not expecting me to change, are you? Because it’s not as simple as just talking to you.”

“I’m not talking to you to win an apology or a friend. If you think I would forgive you that easily, you wrong. I’m talking to you because, surprisingly enough, you’re one of the few people here who aren’t drunk.”

I feel a sting in my chest at that. What did I expect? It’s never easy to ask for forgiveness, but it’s even harder to forgive. “I still don’t understand why you cross dress. And if you say this to anyone, I’ll deny it entirely, but . . . you’re very pretty . . . as a guy and -”

“It’s wasted?” I look into Claude’s eyes and I see sadness and regret mixed in with the feeling of being alone and isolated. He fakes a laugh, “You don’t know how often I’ve heard that and I’m not doing it for pity or because I think I’m ugly or even because I want to be a girl. I just like the feeling of being a girl. I feel like I fit in better when I’m working as a waitress at bars and when I’m cutting ladies’ hair and dyeing it, making things look pretty. I like it when there is a lot of pink and I like glitter and pretty clothes and new shoes and – though I never got one – bouquets of flowers are the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.

“All of those things are considered _girly_ , but not all girls like them and if I like them it doesn’t make me a girl. I like being a guy. I feel fortunate for not having to struggle with things girls go through and I’ve always loved playing football with other guys and making rude jokes. Girls can like this stuff too. People put too much emphasis on gender and fitting in. That’s why, as a guy and as a girl, I feel like an outsider.” His eyes met mine, emotional and glazed over. Reflecting the light like freshly cut glass or, better yet, a polished diamond.

“Sorry, I said too much.” Claude turns away from me.

“Wait,” I say pulling him back. “I was rude, I’m sorry. Umm, what do your parents think about it though?” He flinches slightly when I ask the question and I get the feeling that they don’t know about it.

“I don’t exactly have parents,” he says.

I don’t know what the best way to reply is, so I say “Why would you tell me this stuff? I don’t understand you.”

“You asked me, so I answered. But if you don’t like me talking about myself then would you mind telling me what the deal is with you.” The way he says it is not a question or a request, it feels like something I’m required to do.

“I can’t tell you and you wouldn’t want to know,” I say. I feel my voice crack as the music grows louder and I attempt to be heard. However, Claude keeps his voice at casual volume and I can hear him clearly.

I feel something warm wrap around my wrist and I feel myself being pulled after Claude, through the huge house and into the back garden. The air is cold as it pinches my exposed skin and I can’t imagine how Claude feels in the thin material of the dress.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“No,” is the reply I get. “I want to hear it.”

I sigh, “I honestly don’t think you do.”

“Something must be happening if you act like an asshole around other people, but you’re actually a decent person. I don’t even understand why you’re friends with those guys, you don’t seem to act like them.”

“That’s all an assumption you’re making. I’m only nice to my little brother,” I say. I immediately regret bringing Ash into this.

“You’re being nice to me now,” Claude says.

“Do you expect that to last?” Claude stays silent. “I thought as much. I’ll be leaving then. I don’t even know why I came in the first place, I need to go pick-up Ash.”

“Can I come with you?”

“What?”

“I want to meet your brother,” Claude says.

“Look, you may want to know more about me, but leave my little brother out of this.” I feel a little bit of anger break to the surface as I try to sink it back down.

“I’m not planning to question a three-year-old. I just want to meet him. He’s cute.” Claude replies, making his way to back to the house.

“Fine. I can’t stop you,” I say. “But if you find out something that upsets you, it’s not my fault.”

“What do you mean?” Claude looks back at me.

I forget how to talk for a second when I realise how beautiful the guy is. _“I’m not fucking gay,”_ I think to myself. Every time I say it, it becomes less and less believable. “You’ll see,” I say.

*/*/*

We walk in silence.

There are still people in the streets. Little kids ganging from their parents’ arms, their arms draped over their sides, head resting on their shoulders. The type of love and care that every child deserves, but not every child gets.

“So,” I say awkwardly. “You said you didn’t technically have parents, something you’re okay with talking about?”

“I suppose,” Claude says. “I haven’t seen my real parents since I was really small and now I live with my adoptive parents, but we’re not very close.”

“But they must be nice to you anyway,” I say.

“Yeah,” he smiles. “They’re very good to me. They let me do what I like and they will accept anything I tell them. Though, they don’t feel like parents.”

“They might be better than most parents,” I say sourly, thinking about my own family.

“I’m sure they are and I do love them, but our relationship is very . . . formal. If I’m in some sort of problem, I won’t tell them about it.”

“Oh,” I breathe out. “Oh. That means that all this time . . . with the stuff I was doing -”

“I didn’t tell them. Yeah,” Claude says looking down at the cobbled street. “It didn’t feel right to tell them. They stress enough about me already.”

It goes silent again, but this time Claude breaks the silence.

“From what I’ve heard so far, it seems as though you don’t like your parents very much.” I don’t reply. I look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

I realise how sad he looks. He doesn’t usually smile in school, but his eyes look happy when he’s with his friends and it hurts that there is no one who would look happy by being with me. Except Ash. I notice Claude shiver as he rubs his elbow with his palm.

“Wait a second,” I say as I stop walking and unzip my hoodie, putting it around Claude’s shoulders.

“Wait. What are you -”

“You’re cold and I’m dressed warmer than you either way,” I say. I can see that he’s about to protest again, but I stop him. “I did a lot of bad things to you, I think giving you something warm to wear on a cold day is the least I could do.” I see his cheeks blush as he hugs himself and mumbles a thank you.

“Where’s your brother?” he asks, still not looking at me.

“I left him with my neighbour,” I say. Claude doesn’t ask anything, but I can tell that he’s wondering why I would leave my little brother with a stranger rather than with my parents. “I can’t leave Ash with mother, she’ll forget to look after him and father is working abroad. He only comes to visit us once every three months.”

“Hmm,” he hums.

“What?” I ask.

“You told me something else about yourself,” he smiles. He finally looks up and our eyes meet. It may have just been a second, but there is a similarity in the feelings Claude’s eyes reveal and in the feelings that are buried deep inside me.

“Why did you decide to go with me rather than staying with your friends?” I ask as I realise that we are coming closer to our destination and we will part soon.

Claude frowns, “They’re my friends, but I need a break. Jenna and Jae are all over each other and Sage is probably jealous because Jae used to date her and she acts really sour around me.”

I remember his group. _Weird bunch_ doesn’t even begin to describe it. I don’t understand what they have in common with each other in order to be friends.

“What about you?” Claude asks. I give him a questioning look and he chuckles a bit. “Your _gang,_ you guys don’t exactly seem to be friends.”

I nod, “Our group is more like a safety alliance. ‘Join us and you’ll be safe; defy us and you’ll be sorry’ basically sums it up.”

“And the thing with Benjamin Hughes, was that you guys?” Claude asks.

“No,” my voice sounds bitter. “Or, at least, not that I know of. I would never go to such an extreme.”

“Do you know what happened to him?” Claude asks. The way he says it makes it clear that he figured out basically what happened.

“Well, I know he was harassed and that’s about it. Him and I aren’t exactly friends. Do you know?” I ask. I’m not particularly interested, but I figured because of Benjamin and Reiji missing school, something big must have happened.

“Yeah, but not from Ben,” Claude says. “I have more of an outside source.”

“Can you trust that source?”

“Yes, because it he’s making it up, he’s only making himself look bad. Really, really bad. And unless the stuff he says are true, I wouldn’t have met him.”

“You’re basically speaking in riddles,” I say, rubbing the back of my head. I hear Claude laugh.

“Yeah, sorry. I just don’t think it’s my place to explain everything.” I smile at him to show I understand just as his smile melts away.

“What? What’s wrong?” I panic.

“You just smiled. Like, not a cruel smile or a smirk, a _real_ smile,” Claude looks like he’s just discovered that dragons exist: his eyes are wide and his smile plastered back on his face.

“God, Claude, you freaked me out.” I laugh, covering my mouth with my hand.

“By the way, who cuts your hair?” Claude asks.

“Oh, I do it myself,” I say proudly.

“Yeah, I figured that out. You’re shit. Come by the salon sometime and let me fix it,” he says smugly.

“Rude. I’m sure I’m not that bad,” I say.

“No, it’s pretty bad.”

I smile and then shake my head, “I can’t afford a salon. Mother spends all of father’s money on food for us and then useless shit that she says she needs.”

“Is alcohol included?” Claude asks.

I smirk, “Most people wouldn’t ask that.”

Claude blinked at me, “I’m not like most people.”

 

And that’s when we heard screaming.

A woman’s figure is standing in the dark, banging her fists against the door to my neighbour’s house.

“How dare you?” she yells. “Give me my son back, give me back that little devil!”

It’s mother and today she’s in one of her bad moods.

**Claude**

There is something wrong with that woman. No one could scream like that and no one – especially if someone took their child – would call said child a _devil_. There is a disturbing way in which she swung her fists and the way she screamed in pain each time they hit the door.

And the next thing I realise is that Raymond has moved away from me and is now holding the woman’s arms behind her back and dragging her away.

“Let go!” she yells. “Let go, you ungrateful, little piece of -”

“Mother, stop it! Get back home before our neighbours call the police on you again,” Raymond says.

“Who do you think you’re talking to? I gave birth to you, show me some fucking respect!” Her hands shake in anger as she yells. It’s a disgraceful sight. Raymond’s mum is fairly pretty with perfectly cut and bleached hair and polished nails, but her makeup is thick and seems to be dripping. She’s tall and skinny, in a slightly scary way, and she’s wearing a body tight glittery dress. Her face suddenly turns towards me as she scans me from top to bottom, insanity hanging in her eyes.

“Oh,” she says as if she has come to her senses. “Is that where all the machismo is coming from. You bring a pretty girl to your house to show her how terrible your mommy is. Well? Do you like your boyfriend’s family? Don’t go after the pretty ones, I tell him. They’ll break your heart, I tell him. Does he listen, no.”

She continues to rant, but as she does she steps away from us to her own doorstep to pick up an abandoned bottle of alcohol. She takes a large gulp as she stumbles onto the ground. She’s wearing red stilettoes, which don’t seem to be appropriate for a woman with a teenager and a toddler.

“What did you do?” Raymond says taking the bottle away from her. “Don’t tell me you got this using dad’s money.”

She reaches out to take the bottle back. “No. He hasn’t sent us anything. I earn this myself. Your father has abandoned us.”

“Shut up!” Raymond yells. “Get inside the house, I’ll get Ash.”

“Leave that little devil where he belongs. I don’t need him,” she says and slams the door behind her.

Raymond looks like he might as well explode from anger, but he bites his lip and sighs as he slides down the wall and sits on the floor. I would have never imagined him living in such bad conditions.

“Brother?” a small voice spoke from the door next to the one Raymond’s mother disappeared through. Ash stood in the doorway with a woman standing behind him.

“Hey, Ash,” Raymond says. His voice sounds happy, bit his face reveals how tired he is. He picked Ash up as the lady nodded at him and shut her door.

Raymond looks at his brother before he remembers that I am here too.

“Ash,” he says. “I have someone I want you to meet.” He holds his hand out to me and I give him mine, a little unsure about what is happening. Then he places the little boy’s hand on mine. “This is Claude.”

“Hello,” Ash says with a smile.

“Sorry,” Raymond says. “He can’t see you.”

_“What? Ash is . . . blind.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> I've been wondering if I should dedicate at least one chapter to Jenna and Jae - not yet, but maybe later - or Sage. Nothing big, but I thought it was worth asking.  
> I need to work more on Benji (the ship) and Jason.
> 
> I won't be posting or replying for the next five days, so I thought posting this would make up for it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And after almost a month, I decide to post again. I'm honestly so sorry, I don't know why I kept postponing this chapter. I just hope you enjoy it. I have no excuse for not completing it earlier. Don't hate me.

**Chapter 19 – Benjamin**

That voice.

That voice is all it takes to fog up Reiji’s face and send me falling back into my memories.

_Their hands._

_Jason kissed me._

_Kiara is moving away._

_The rain is so cold._

_Jason hates me._

_“Ben, are you okay?”_

_They’re still here._

_They are always following me._

_“Benji, please talk to me.”_

_Jason loves me back. I’m so happy._

_“Ben!”_

“Ben?”

“Ben!”

I feel a hand gently press on my shoulder. It’s Reiji. His thumb is making small circle motions on the material of my costume. I feel myself breathe deeper, but the voices in my head are still just as loud as everything else around me. I feel like the line between reality and memory has disappeared for me. I can’t remember what’s happening now and what happened before. I feel like I’m drowning. Losing my last breath.

Losing it to a person I thought I loved.

Then I feel lips brush against mine.

Reiji isn’t kissing me. His lips are moving to form words, but I can’t hear them.

They’re gentle.

I want to hear them, but it’s as if he is trying to speak to me underwater.

I hear nothing.

His voice is lost when _they_ speak. When my memories speak.

 

“I love you.” I can make out the movement of Reiji’s lips to form three words that he repeats again and again. Three simple words that send my memories away, only the good ones remain. “I love you. I love you.” His hand keeps moving, calmly and gently.

I don’t understand how he does that, most people would be terrified in his situation, but he keeps his head in place. He knows what the right thing to do is. The gentle voice and gentle touch sooth me.

I feel my mind black-out. A blessing, if anything.

I feel my body collapse onto Reiji’s as his face fades into darkness.

A comfortable, inviting darkness.

**Reiji**

Bunny falls asleep in my arms.

His entire body is still trembling and lips seem to be moving to make words that want to break free from his mind, but aren’t strong enough to shatter the walls Bunny protects himself with. However, his eyes are calm. Firmly closed tight, locking him away from anything and everything that is wrong with the world.

I want to keep holding him close to me, but a human presence that lurks behind me keeps pulling my mind away from Bunny.

He stands there silently.

I can feel his shock. Confusion is radiating off him.

I ignore it as I place one arm around Bunny’s back and the other around his knees. I lift him up, gently and walk to one of the many benches placed around the lake. I lay him down before turning my attention to the ghost of a person who hasn’t moved since he called out Bunny’s name.

I expected to hate, but – now that I look at him – I can’t.

He looks like he lived through something others can’t understand. He looks pitiful. He doesn’t look at me. His glassy eyes are focused on Bunny and his chest rises and falls in terrified gasps for air.

But I know that he’s a bad person.

He hurt Bunny.

“Hey,” I say. “I know we’ve never met, but Bunny has told me about you.” The guy flinches went I call Ben by his nickname, I shrug it off. “I think it’ll be better if you head back home.”

“No.” I look up at the short response.

“What?”

“I’m not leaving,” he says. “I came here to speak to Bunny and I’m not leaving until I get to redeem myself.” His eyes widen as they finally meet mine. I can’t blame him, Tyler always said that I look scary when I’m mad.

“Redeem yourself? After forcing someone to nearly end their life? Sorry, dude, but that requires way more than talking and you won’t get any of it done today. Go home.”

“No.”

This guy is pissing me off and I can’t decide whether it’s because of his ridiculous idea that he can be forgiven or his childish responses of just _no_. Jason was his name, wasn’t it? The guy looks a bit sick, his skin is unnaturally pale and he looks like there isn’t enough weight on him – though I imagine that that was caused by Bunny’s incident. His feet are planted firmly on the ground, but – by his expression – it seems like I could easily scare him away.

“Fine. Do as you like. I’m taking Bunny home,” I say as I reach over to try to wake Bunny up at least a little bit. Beautiful, honey-brown eyes open up to greet my before he falls back asleep. I don’t have the heart to wake him up, I decide to carry him instead.

**Jason**

It’s all memories and familiar faces, but with one big difference.

The guy carrying Bunny on his back as the blond’s arms are wrapped tightly around the guy’s neck and his knees are held up by the guy’s arms.

I feel another pleasant memory rush over me when Aaron opens the door with a big smile to greet – who he expected to be – Bunny, but that quickly shifts into concern and later hate when his eyes finally spot me. He pulls Bunny away before disappearing into the house. A few seconds later Kiara appears at the door with a sour expression and slams it shut behind her.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

I forget that she’s talking to me. The guy I just met and Kiara are the first people to have directly spoken to me in the last few months. It feels weird to be expected to say something back, so I don’t.

“I told you not to fucking come. I told you that Bunny doesn’t fucking need you anymore. You’re not bloody welcome here. Get lost!”

That seems like a recap of all the things the other people at school keep saying to me, but I don’t want to hear that from someone who used to be my friend.

And then I realise that Kiara is staring daggers at me. And then I also realise that I’ve says those things out loud.

“Yeah, key word is _used to be_ your fucking friend. Not anymore, Jason. I don’t need you. You fucked everything up. Not just between us, not just our ‘friendship’, you almost killed Bunny! Twice!”

She’s crying.

“Go away and let us live our lives! We don’t need you acting like an anchor, drowning us in the sea of misery you love so much. We have better fucking things to do!”

I’m crying.

“I never wanted to hurt anyone. I made a -” My voice breaks.

“Mistake! I know! But look where that mistake took us. If you’re looking for forgiveness, you might as well go jump off a bridge and ask to fly! It’s not happening! Stop with your _I’m innocent_ bullshit! I’ve heard everything before!”

“I’m sorry, Kiara! I didn’t want to hurt Bunny – I would never do anything to hurt him! I was afraid, I wasn’t thinking straight! I don’t expect to be forgiven, I just want Bunny to know that I’m sorry.” Kiara’s palm connects with my left cheek, sending me stumbling to the side. The guy rushes towards her to hold her back, but she doesn’t struggle. She just sobs.

“You’re only here . . . because you want to fucking feel better about yourself. You know that Bunny still fucking adores you! He’ll just feel like shit . . . if he has to reject you! And you’ll feel so much fucking better about it! Can you stop and use that bloody brain you’ve got, you’re only causing harm!”

“Kiara! Calm down, it’s not worth it. You can’t take back what happened before. The decision is Bunny’s to make.”

Kiara looks stunned, she stares at the guy who just spoke up.

“You want to give this bastard the chance to see Bunny? Keiji, are you fucking out of your mind?”

“No. I’m not saying that. And stop with the uncontrollable swearing. I’ll admit that I don’t know this guy and – honestly, I trust you guys but – he doesn’t look like he means any harm.”

“That’s what Bunny thought when he fell in love with him. Usually, if your appearance screams ‘Hey, I’m gonna get you raped and fucking fuck up your entire life’ most people won’t go for you.”

“Really funny, Kiara. All I’m saying is that Bunny will decide if he wants to talk to this guy, it’s not up to you.”

Kiara wipes away a tear before she glares at me.

“Go home, Jason. You’ll not get to see Bunny until he’s ready – if he ever is.”

There’s silence.

“I can’t leave.”

“Oh, God! This again!”

“No. I just didn’t get a ticket back and it’s probably too late to get one now.”

Kiara looks like I just proved to her that the tooth-fairy exists, and Kiara was afraid of the tooth-fairy ever since kindergarten. The look on her face is a mixture of disapproval and shock.

“So, you were expecting to talk to Bunny, that he would forgive you, and you guys would become such close friends again that he would ask you to sleep over?”

“No.” This is the most I’ve spoken in months and my mouth feels dry.

The guy – Reiji – looks at Kiara, raising his eyebrow. She shakes her head.

“He’s not staying with me. My mum hates him and I’ve got a younger sister. That’s enough of a haste.”

“I can’t take a stranger home and I doubt Aaron will do as little as open the door for him.”

“Well, then he can sleep on the street.”

“Kiara!”

“I’m being one hundred percent serious. He’s not coming with me.”

Reiji sighs and looks at me with a strained smile.

“Fine. Follow me, stranger.”

*/*/*

It turns out the guy lives right next door to Bunny, so there isn’t much more silent, awkward walking to be done. He pushes the door open and steps aside, letting me go in first. I feel uncomfortable having to enter a stranger’s house to sleep overnight and I bet he’s wishing I wasn’t here either.

“Sorry to said, we’re not staying here. I just need to pack some stuff before we head over to a friend’s house. Bunny was meant to join us, but – due to your company – that seems unlikely.”

“Sorry” is all I manage to spit out. “Will your friend be fine with me coming as well though?”

He shrugs.

“Not much I can do about that. Wait here. Don’t touch anything.”

I don’t know if I come across as a robber, but I just nod before the guy moves through the dim entrance to the large stairs and climbs them three at a time.

Everything is dark and silent until one of the lights on the ground floor switches on and I see a woman’s face peek at me through the door. She seems to be in her late thirties and sitting on some sort of chair as her face is very low down.

“Oh, hello.”

Her voice is very soft and hospital. Her face look sort of similar to Reiji, I’m guessing it’s his mum or maybe a much older sister. The first seems more likely.

“Are you Reiji’s friend?”

“Not quite.”

“Oh, how so?”

She moves forward in a gentle gliding movement and as she moves into the light, I can see the chair she is sitting in. It’s an electronic wheelchair.

“Mum.”

Reiji rushes down the stairs, carrying a large bag over his shoulder.

“We have no time to talk.”

“Reiji.”

Her tone sounds threatening.

“Yes?”

“Kiss me goodbye before you go or I swear I’ll ground you.”

He sighs before pecking her on the cheek and moving towards the door.

“Bye, mum. C’mon, Jason.”

“Bye, sweetheart. Text me before you go to bed.”

“Mum!”

“I’ll ground you.”

“Love you, mum.”

**Claude**

I walk home alone, but I can’t keep thoughts of Ash out of my mind.

I didn’t think the boy was blind. I also didn’t think that Raymond’s situation at home is so bad. At least my adoptive parents love me, they would never act like Raymond’s mum. The way she was carelessly flinging around that bottle, the disgustingly tight clothes on her, and the way she referred to her little son. It’s all so wrong.

I’m happy I don’t remember my biological parents. The memory of them would only hurt me. I don’t need another burden to carry.

The streets are still not quite empty, the slightly older kids are still out trick or treating. I turn a corner and I see something I hoped I would never have to witness.

Jenna and Jae are kissing. They’re leaning against Sage’s front door, while music is still blasting from inside. The kiss looks gentle, I used to imagine Jae’s lips tracing mine like that. So carefully, as if he’s afraid to break the person he loves. God, I still wake up at night from dreams like that. I can’t get over Jae. Not when I’ve seen him shirtless more times than is good for me, not when we’ve had more sleepovers than any average guy friends would, not when he’s always there: kind and caring and loving.

His hands tangled in her hair. His lips against hers. Their pressed together in a warm embrace. Her hand is tracing his back and her fingers are pulling on his shirt. And their straight. They can kiss like that outside and other guys will walk past congratulating him. If it were two guys, they would get their faces beaten up right after a simple hug that just lasted too long.

Suddenly, I forget all about Raymond and Ash and their crazy mum. My sour expression returns as I make my way to Sage’s front door. I need something to clear my mind with. What’s better than alcohol to accomplish that?

I feel sick.

**Jae**

Claude’s been acting colder towards me lately. I’m not stupid, I figured out why a long time ago, and honestly, I’m partly to blame for the fact that he couldn’t get rid of those feelings. In all honestly, I led him on. I thought that what I was doing was right and that it would make him happy, but I failed miserably.

We crossed a line that wasn’t meant to be crossed by friends. It’s like knocking down a wall that keeps friendship and love slightly separate, but when you finally try rebuilding the wall – to return to just friendship – it’s stronger than before, it gets in the way of the friendship between you.

I realise that I need to make it right when he clears his throat to walk past Jenna and me into Sage’s house. I don’t know what gets to me, but I grab him by the hand and tell Jenna that I’ll be back soon before dragging him away and around the corner where we can talk in peace.

His expression doesn’t change. Or, more accurately, it doesn’t appear in the first place. Ever since Jenna and her brothers moved here, Claude has adopted the same facial expression – lack of one – as Benjamin. I’ve got nothing against it, but it’s not Claude. I know it’s not the way he acts. It’s like giving a fish wings and telling it to fly, it’s not right.

“Claude, what’s your deal?”

Same stoic expression. “Shouldn’t I be asking that? I just wanted to talk to Sage.”

“Then look at least a little happy about it,” I sigh. He smiles, but it’s a patronising smile. His long hair is swept onto one shoulder, but thin, silky strands blow into his face in the wind. Goosebumps cover his skin, however, his face stays frozen in that smile that I want to tear off. “Don’t give me that bullshit, Claude.” The smile fades into the same absence of an expression.

“Then what do you want?”

“I want my bloody friend back. Where did that guy that was always so close to me go?” God, I don’t want to lose my friend. Claude doesn’t understand how much I care for him.

“That guy disappeared when your feelings for him did.” Claude’s shoulder brushes past me as he starts walking to Sage’s house.

“But they never did,” I say with our backs towards each other. I hear him stop and, for a second, I think I may get my friend back.

He keeps walking.

**Sage**

When Claude pulls me away from my guests into my empty bedroom upstairs, I know something is wrong. He has a cold air around him. He doesn’t speak to me. He pulls me into the room, shuts the door and walks over to sit on the corner of my bed.

“Claude -” He interrupts me.

“I hate Jae.” I don’t even stop to consider what he said.

“No, you don’t.”

“Well, I wish I did,” he chokes out.

“Claude,” he stays silent this time. “Jae isn't gay.”

I hear his breathe hitch, but I know it’s not news to him. He always knew that he had no chance with Jae, but he always refused to give up on him. Sometimes you have to give up and move on. Not everything works out. Claude just needed to hear the truth. Jae is a lost cause, Claude’s not stopping the guy from being straight.

“Claude -”

“Thanks for the help.” He’s sarcastic. Just as quickly as he pulled me into the room, he is gone from the room. I’m left standing alone, wondering if what I did was right.

Claude always knew that he had no chance with Jae. He always knew that he was wasting his feeling, just like I am now on him. Claude always knew that dressing up as a girl wouldn’t get Jae to feel romantically attracted to him . . .

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, Jae's not a bad person, he's just straight. And I feel bad for Claude . . . and Jason.  
> Thanks for reading.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, once again, with a new chapter. Yey! Yay? I don't know how to spell it.
> 
> I like this chapter, I think I got a lot done in it. Jason's perspective is a difficult one to write from considering he doesn't differentiate between who says what, but I think I pulled it off (sorry if it's a bit confusing). And I'm also sorry if the chapter turned out too cheesy. I couldn't help it.
> 
> Sorry if the grammar and spelling in this chapter sucks, it's tres late.

**Chapter 20 - Tae**

Tyler has spent the last hour on the phone with his dad. It started out fine: with his dad’s usual check-up to make sure Tyler isn’t lacking behind in lessons and to remind Tyler that he can’t miss any sport practice sessions. None of them. That’s the only thing Ty’s dad truly cares about, which I think is cruel. Tyler doesn’t mind it, as long as it keeps his dad happy, but I know sport was never his passion. He always tries to make time for extra art classes once his training is over, but he’s always worn out and barely has enough time to concentrate.

When I first discovered Tyler’s love for sketching and painting, I was slightly surprised, but the type of things Tyler likes to paint made me feel like Ty was an alien entirely. He seems like the type of guy to like abstract art and chaos and colour. On the contrary, he likes to paint scenes and still life, he likes portraits and calming colours. He’s like a gem stone. He looks so rough and strong on the outside, but inside he is completely different. He’s beautiful.

Something is wrong today.

Tyler sits quietly, listening to his father yell at him, and I know he’s yelling because he’s loud enough for his voice to carry. I hold my breath when I hear Tyler speak back. He sounds confident, but I know he’s truly frightened.

“I can’t, dad.” More shouting. “Mum promised to take us out, all of us. Tomorrow is supposed to be my day off. To celebrate -” I know Tyler is about to say that it’s his birthday tomorrow, but his dad never cares – he never did, never will. The first time Tyler celebrated his birthday since he was five was two years ago with just Reiji and last year with Rei, Aya and me.

The shouts are cut off with a simple click, but it seems panic flooding through my body in repetitive waves. I move towards Tyler as he cups his face in his hands, he is sitting on the couch facing away from me. I’m afraid that he’ll want to go into another one of his solitary modes; Reiji should get here soon.

_“He’ll help me,”_ I try to calm myself. I brush my hand over Tyler’s back and I feel him shiver. “Ty? Baby?”

He looks up at me and grins. “I thought you hated the couple nicknames.”

“No. I hate when you call me _babe_ , but I’m fine with pretty much anything else.” Tyler opens his mouth to say something else, but I stop him. “If you call me _honey-bun_ or something of that sort, I will murder you in your sleep.” Tyler shuts his mouth, but not before a chuckle escapes from his lips.

“Sure, pumpkin-pie.” I reach out to wrap my arms around his shoulder. Two firm hands hold onto my upper arms and easily swing me over the back of the couch. I end up half laying on the couch and half leaning on Ty’s thighs; the muscle there is hard and I can’t work out if he’s just tensing them to impress me or if it’s always like that.

“Ty.”

“Hmm?”

“What happened?”

Tyler doesn’t wait to reply. “Dad’s just being difficult. I missed a swimming practice in order to attend the last art contest. I worked hard for it, I couldn’t miss it.” It sounds as if he is trying to prove to me that he’s innocent. There’s no point, I’d never want Tyler to miss out on things he enjoys.

“I know you did.”

“There was no other way: it was swimming or art,” he’s trying to prove something again.

“I know, Ty. I don’t blame you.” Tyler takes a few deep breaths before his eyes focus on me again. An artist’s eye scans me, but rather than reaching for a paint brush, his hand moves to my face. The warmth moves amorously against my cheek, sliding to my eye as he presses his lips against my eyelid, he tucks a lock of black hair behind my ear as his fingertips move against my scalp. He pulls gently and I suddenly feel hot. He presses his face near mine, but we don’t kiss. He places his face in the crook of my neck and breaths calmly, as if I’m not dying for his kiss.

“Ty -”

“Hmm,” he replies. His lips vibrate against my skin as he hums and I swear I just tore a hole through cloud nine and am currently on cloud ten. I tug at his hair so I can see his face. My actions are less careful and gentle. I know – I’ve said this before but – Tyler is more fragile than me. He breaks easily under pressure and he hates to be judged. I’m not afraid of breaking him, though, because I’ll always be there to fix him again, but I will never let anyone else hurt him.

I take control of our movements as I sit up and allow Tyler to straddle me. Tyler isn’t always the “dominant” one and I won’t let him forget that, but – before I can kiss him – the doorbell rings. Tyler laughs as I grown.

“God,” I mumble as I push Ty aside and get up. He stands up with me, his enthusiasm is back. “Reiji owes me big time for this.”

“Don’t worry, Tae. Rei doesn’t mind us kissing with him around,” Ty smiles.

“I’m more worried about Ben,” I say. I wrap my hand around the handle, press it down, and pull the door open. We are greeted with cold air and two figures. I recognise Reiji. Only the figure next to him is significantly shorter than it should be and I’m pretty sure Ben didn’t just shrink.

“Hi,” Rei says sheepishly. “Hope you guys don’t mind that I brought a friend along.”

_“Even if that guy is associated with the rapists of your crush?”_ I think. I have my outside sources.

*/*/*

There is a very thick silence.

I don’t mind much, I like the silence, but I can see that Jason isn’t taking the awkward atmosphere well. He looks like he wants to be vaporised, completely disappear into thin air.

“So,” Tyler speaks out. “You guys want to watch a movie?” I can see that Reiji is relieved.

“Sure. What’s on your mind?” he smiles.

“The Woman in Black.” It’s not a suggestion. Ty’s been wanting to watch this horror film for a very long time. A very, very long time in which he has been complaining to me for not seeing it with him.

I mean the movie is meant to be good. What’s the worst that could happen?

**Reiji**

The movie is crap.

There is no plot, it’s just a bunch of jump scares that don’t work and creepy dolls, which is the oldest trick in the book. Though, there may have been a plot if I had paid attention to what the characters were saying. My mind keeps focusing on Bunny and Jason, my eyes keep sneaking peeks at the way Jason rubbed his palm anxiously or the way he chews the inside of his cheek. He’ll draw blood any second now, if he hasn’t already.

Tae is snuggled into Tyler, pretending that he’s scared so he can get some cuddle time. Tyler, however, is shaking for real. His body jerks up as the woman’s ghostly pale face appears in the blurry window and she screams; if you blink at the wrong time – or the right time, depending on who you are – you’ll miss it completely.

I can sense another jump scare coming when the doorbell rings. Tyler lets out a terrified gasp before he clears his throat to try to disguise his embarrassment. It doesn’t work.

“Dude, I think you should wait another fifteen years before you watch horror movies,” I say. I jump over the back of the couch to make my way towards the door. It’s late and I can’t imagine who might be at the door. Maybe Jae.

“Shut up,” Tyler mumbles. I laugh at him.

Unsurprisingly, it’s Jae. But there are two more people with him. That blond guy, Claude, and – for some reason – Bunny. I ignore the two older boys.

“Bunny? How’d you escape from Aaron?” I ask.

“Hello to you too,” Jae says brushing past me with Claude on his heels. Bunny rolls his eyes at me, but a smile threatens to break the frown that lives on his face.

“I climbed out of the window.” Before I can ask him if that’s true, he says, “Of course not, moron. Aaron let me leave with Jae when he came around to drop Jenna off.” He steps into the house.

“Wait.”

“What?”

“Jason’s here.” I see his face go pale before he shakes his head.

“I know; one of the reasons I’m here.”

I pout, “How come? I was sure you were here to see me.”

“When that hair of yours becomes straight and presentable, maybe,” he replies. I gasp at him dramatically.

“What are you talking about? My hair represents me perfectly: wild and _not_ straight.” Bunny chuckles. It’s the most adorable thing I’ve seen all day.

“Yeah and unpresentable. You better have a closet you can hide in because you sort of forced that onto yourself,” he grins.

“I don’t appreciate your gay humour,” I say. “Being in the closet is terrible.”

“Have you ever been in the closet?” he asks.

Fair point.

“. . . No.” I’ve never really identified as either gay or straight or anything in between. People just assume things. I’ve never tried to hide my sexuality, mainly because it still confused me. “Anyway, let’s get to everyone else.” I turn away to hear Bunny swallow down the lump in his throat. His steps followed me into the living room.

**Claude**

Jae found me.

I don’t know if I wanted to be found. I ran away from him, wanting him to chase after me. I hid from him, wanting him to find me. I made it easy for him because I was afraid that he wouldn’t want me back.

He dragged me over to drop Jenna off. She felt the tension and stayed quiet the entire time. She didn’t kiss Jason or try to get any physical contact from any of us, she just smiled and shut the door behind her. I look back on the memory and my behaviour makes me cringe, but – at the same time – if I could go back in time I would have still acted in the same way.

“Claude,” he had said. “We need to talk.”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing now?”

He snapped. He pushed me against the brick wall of Jenna’s house. His arms blocking any way of escape. Jae may look like the cute and slightly nerdy type of guy to the girls who like him – maybe some of the guys too – but he’s stronger than people think. “What’s your fucking problem?” he hissed. When I didn’t answer, he breathed in to steady himself before loosely rapping his long fingers around my wrist and pulling me in the direction of his house. The door to Jenna’s house suddenly opened and Jae spun around – probably expecting to see Jenna. If he was disappointed in any way when Benjamin stepped out, he didn’t show it.

“Hey, Benji.” Jae said. No smile, but Benjamin didn’t look like he was expecting one. The boy flinched at the nickname and shot both of us a glare.

“It’s Benjamin or at least Ben,” he said. He sighed before going on to say, “And I’ll be joining you to the Yang house.” Jae seemed impressed by the fact that the boy knew his surname, but he just nodded before continuing to drag me along.

Ten minutes later and we’re here. I’m looking at the guy I’ve been anonymously conversating with for the last few months: Jason Cross (or his unimaginative surname – **J_Cross** ). Our story is confusing, but I know he is, while he has no idea that I’m **Caroline9**. And no, my username isn’t just a random girl’s name with the number nine behind it. It’s more complicated.

A story other people shouldn’t have to hear. It’s a painful story that will only hurt others, but a story that I’ve always wanted to get rid of. It’s not something I talk about with my adoptive parents.

Jason looks different from how I remember him. I only saw him once, three months ago, but I can see the way his skin has become a lifeless white colour, the way his hair looks shapeless and askew on top of his head, the deep shadows under his eyes, and the way that his shirt no longer hides muscles beneath his skin. He’s all skin and bones. He also looks terrified, but the last time I saw him he was crying his eyes out. I’m not quite sure which one is better.

His eyes meet mine, but drop to the ground before I can truly see them. The boy needs help and it doesn’t look like anyone here will give it to him.

I hold my hand out to him, “Hi. I’m Claude. You must be Jason.” I feel the look Jae gives me; he doesn’t understand why I’m talking to this boy or how I know exactly who he is. There is a lot Jae doesn’t know about me. Though that’s not entirely his fault. Jason nods. He doesn’t look up at me, but gently shakes my hand. His hands are cold and shaking. I feel every fragile bone and joint. This boy has no one to look after him. He’ll die if he has to feel this guilt any longer. It’s like standing in a sand storm. The sand will slowly build up around you, blinding you, trying to drown you. And you will drown if you don’t get yourself out of that storm.

Jason needs help to get out, but everyone is too afraid to help.

The boys head suddenly snaps up as two pairs of footsteps approach the door to the living room. Benjamin and Reiji stand in the door. Rei holds it open and allows Ben to go through with a smile, but the blond doesn’t smile back. He looks as frightened as Jason. They both have their reasons and neither is wrong for being afraid in this situation.

“Claude,” Jae whispers. He puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me away, towards his room. I know that if I stay, I will only get in the way, but I don’t think they will be able to sort this out alone.

When someone is able to face so much pain alone, we forget that that someone is just a kid. They’re all just kids, and – honestly – so am I. Why the hell are our lives so fucked up? Why should Benjamin have to worry about being a rape victim rather than just focussing on making new friends in a new school? Why should Jason have to feel like a criminal when the worst thing most teenagers are afraid of is failing an important exam? Why should Tyler have to hide the things he loves most in life when most parents happily accept their children as individuals? Why should Raymond take on full responsibility for himself and his brother? Why should Jenna suffer from a mistake that wasn’t hers? Why should Reiji always have to be prepared for his life to fall apart?

Why did Caroline have to die?

**Jason**

I know he’s afraid of me.

His fists are clenched tight so his knuckles turn white; his eyes are running up and down my body, prepared for any sudden movement much like a vulnerable animal; his breaths come in rapid succession – he tries to slow them down, but the struggle only makes them shallower.

I play with the words that are chaotically swimming around in the dark hellhole called _my brain_. I’m not in a hurry; I taste the words on my tongue: discarding the ones that sound too harsh or too familiar and moving on to the next until a decent sentence is constructed. Now I just need to find my voice. It’s so much easier to talk to people when it’s all inside your people. You choose their reaction, but I don’t know how Bunny will reach when he hears what I have to say.

“This way.”

I look at Reiji, who is pulling Bunny towards one of the doors leading away from the living room and into the kitchen. He gestures for me to follow, so I do. Bunny whispers in Reiji’s ear and the latter waits outside with a disappointed sigh as I step inside and shut the door.

Bunny is already on the other side of the room, as far away from me as possible. I don’t try to come closer, I just need to talk.

“Bunny,” I say.                                                                                           

“Ben.”

I try not to flinch at how cold his voice is. “Ben, I . . . I don’t know how to say this . . . I’m sorry.”

“How many times do I have to hear that?”

His voice is harsh; he sounds angry and cruel, but I hear the pain that comes with it. I used to be very good at reading Bunny’s – Ben’s moods.

“Until you understand that I never meant to hurt you. I know that forgiveness is too much to ask and getting back together is pretty much impossible, but -”

“ _Getting back together?_ ”

He’s crying now. I hate myself so much for hurting him. Over and over and over again. I want to comfort him. I want to be able to do the things I did only a few months ago. I want to be able to make him smile simply from my presence. I don’t want him to hurt for me, to hurt because of me.

“Ben.” I step towards him.

“Stop,” he says. I see his lips move in fear of me getting closer.

I want to die, I want to be dead if it means that Bunny won’t feel like this. I know he tried to kill himself. I know he did it several times. I know that everyone who knows what happened hates me, they have the right to. I got used to it. But I can’t take it when it’s Bunny. It hurts to know that we’ve lost the things I refused to admit I cherished. It’s all gone now. I need Bunny, but he can’t live with me around. It’s one or the other, isn’t it?

Then I feel his hands cupping mine and I realise that I said those things.

“No,” he says. He shakes his head; his eyes look straight into mine. They’re overflowing with tears, but they’re so beautiful still. “Please don’t die, Jason. I still . . . I still care about you. The only way I can be happy here is to know that you’re living a normal life back home. I don’t want you to die! I don’t want to know that you died to make me happy; it won’t make me happy! I don’t hate you, Jason, and that’s what scares me. I want to hate you, I should hate you, but I can’t. I’m sorry, that all sounds terrible when I say it aloud. It is terrible. I’m sorry, I’m a terrible person.”

“Ben, what are you talking about?” I reply. “I’m the one who needs to apologise. I never wanted any of that to happen. I was scared: both when they confronted me about it and when they came after you. I couldn’t protect you.” Now I’m crying: the tears are streaming down my face and the sobs break apart my sentences. “I ran straight home – I called the police. They said they’d come – they said they would be there in time, but you walked home alone in the rain. Your mums cried. Aaron kept me at least a kilometre away from you at all times. And then you got bullied more than ever before – with the texts and photos and videos and I did nothing.”

“You couldn’t have done anything,” Ben says. I can hear him say it; it’s him saying those things, it’s no longer mixed up with the voices in my head. I know he means it.

“I should have been there, I should’ve helped. God, Ben, I deserve to die. I honestly do.”

And he hugs me. It’s a gentle hug and the most human contact I’ve gotten since the incident – if I don’t count the multiple times I’ve been beaten up. Bunny is hugging me.

“Never die.”

“Huh?”

“I said, you can never die. Promise me you won’t ever leave my life for good.”

“That’s a difficult promise to make,” I laugh through tears. When was the last time I really laughed?

“Just promise.”

I let myself smile.

I promise to never die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, I'm not planning to make Jason x Benjamin (Jamin? Benson? Jasmin?) a thing. It wouldn't be a very successful couple, but if there are any ideas for alternative happy endings for Jason, I might consider. Now, serious question. What should Tae's present be for Tyler? I got some suggestions from friends, but none of them are appropriate. 
> 
> Basically, a little bit of smut is tolerable (only I can't write it very well), but going all out is a no-no. :)  
> Thank you for reading. (I'm going on holiday for 14 days, so next update will be some time after that. Thank you for tolerating my huge gaps between updates.)
> 
> Oh, and no hate towards Woman In Black. I just needed something.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I'm updating so late. I'm also very sorry if this chapter isn't as good as the others or is a little depressing. It was really rushed. I'm leaving again tomorrow and I have my doubts about how often I'll be able to post in the next month. 
> 
> I will make up for it, I promise!! Enjoy the chapter.

**Chapter 21 - Jae**

“Why are you making this so difficult?” I ask. I hear my voice dripping with frustration.

“ _I’m_ making this difficult? May I remind you that _you_ dragged me here.” Claude runs his fingers through the roots of his hair and his knuckles go white as his digs his fingers into his scalp. “I’m sorry. I can just leave, we’ll talk later.” He quickly makes his way to the door, but I grab for his elbow and pull him back.

“No,” I sigh. “I’m sorry, I brought you here and I really want to talk. I – I really don’t want to lose my friend for a reason I don’t fully understand.” I look up at Claude to see his eyes tear up. For a second, I feel unable to do anything as the shock takes me back, but that quickly disappears when he blinks the tears away and lets out a sharp breath,

“So, you’ll be fine with me leaving once you understand everything?” He doesn’t give me any time to deny the question, he just keeps talking. “I don’t understand my own feelings, Jae. I’m confused and I’m lost and it’s miserable for me to see my best friend spending all his time with a girl rather than paying a little bit of attention to me.” He pauses to breathe and his face softens into an expression of regret and vulnerability. “No. That – I didn’t mean to sound selfish or like your happiness makes me jealous.” He furrows his eyebrows. “But I don’t need you or Sage to keep telling me that you’re straight. I know that, I’m not that stupid. Yes, maybe I never wanted to accept that inside my head, but I always knew it was true. Jae, I lost my family and now live with people who I may love but they’re not exactly the family I need. You and Sage and possibly some other kids from school are the closest thing I have to a family and it’s really difficult to see that fall apart.”

Claude has never cried in front of me and he’s not crying now, though I feel on the verge of tears. I bite them down. We stay silent, neither of us daring to say a word until I can hear my own heartbeat.

“Claude, if you know that I will never treat you the way you want, why do you keep trying? Why do you keep trusting me to do better next time?” And that’s when I hear him break: a faint whimper escapes from his throat and he crouches down with his face to the floor. His cry is silent except from the sudden gasps for air and his shoulders tremble a little as the tears well up in his eyes and fall to the ground. He quickly regains his composure – before I have enough time to do anything to help – but he doesn’t look up at me.

“I don’t choose to trust you, idiot. No matter what, I still really like and – no matter how many fucking times you mess up – those mistakes don’t seem to affect me. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bloody curse.” I hear the smile appear on his face and I feel a wave of relief wash over me.

I feel like a terrible person for wanting to drag more out of Claude, but it’s too late to stop myself.

“Claude?” I crouch down next to him, but his hair cascades down hiding his face from me. He hums in response. “What is it about Raymond that’s caught your attention? I don’t mean to be rude, but last time I checked the guy was bullying you. Isn’t it a bit unsafe to hang around him too much?”

“If I was Raymond, I would bully me too.” The way Claude says it stabs at my chest and I open my mouth to speak, but Claude stops the words before they have time to form. “Look, Jae, we’re already established that I’m quite pathetic. I way too deep in love with a straight guy, I easily trust my bully, I lost my parents God knows how and nine years later I lost my sister, Caroline, to lung cancer – oh, and to add to all of that – I also like to dress up like a girl even though I identify as male. Raymond’s life is pretty far from perfect, but he still has a reason to keep living so if making me feel like shit makes him feel better, he can go ahead. It’s not like it can get any worse – “

The sound of my fist connecting with Claude’s shoulder fills the room and disguises the temporary silence. The sting pain runs up my arm and I’m sure the same pain is spreading through Claude’s shoulder, but he accepts it without complaint. I hear him chuckle under his breath.

“God,” I sigh. “Don’t say stuff like that. I’m not losing my friend, if you think the best thing for you is to become friends with Raymond, go ahead. It’s your decision, but don’t let yourself get hurt. I know you and Sage have a habit of going on about how rubbish your lives are to one another, but – honestly – I don’t want to hear it. I’d rather hear you tell me about good things that have happened, the things that make your life worth living.”

“And how do I know if my life is worth living?”

I think for a second before I smile to myself. “When you start to smile because you’re happy rather than to make yourself happy.”

“That’s really cheesy,” he cringes.

Claude finally lifts his head up and looks up at me. He smiles gently and I grin back.

**Tyler**

Everything was going so well. We dropped Jason off at the train station and got onto a train ourselves to the centre of London. Everyone’s presents were waiting for me back at Tae’s house except the huge box I received from my mum, which sat in the back seat of her car when she picked us up.

Ben, Reiji, Kiara, Aya, Tae and I first went to an escape room then the London Dungeons and then we went for some bowling. The day was finished off with some pizza. Everything was perfect . . .

Until now.

Warm air greets me as I step inside my parents’ house, but it might as well be ice cold from how welcome I feel. Everyone – as well as my mum – are waiting outside in the car, playing _cheat_. Mum always insists to come along when I return home, but this time her face locked pale and worn out when she drove us here in complete silence. My dad is probably in a bad –

My thoughts are cut off as a voice pierces the air.

“Ah. Look who’s home.” A ball comes flying my way and slams into my face when I’m too late to react. The heavy football fell to the floor and bounced away. I don’t show that I’m feeling the stinging pain because I don’t want to give him any satisfaction. “Hmm. Pathetic. You can’t even defend yourself.”

He’s holding himself back. Last time we had an argument, he slammed me into a wall and kicked me in the gut before my mum threatened to call the police. This time my mum isn’t around. My eyes finally stop aching from the shock of the football hitting me and they focus on the man standing in the doorway at the end of the hall.

“Come on, you ungrateful little brat,” he hisses. “Will you deny me face-to-face like you did on the phone?”

I grit my teeth. There are very few people I hate in this world, but I can safely say that there is no one I know personally who I hate more than my own father. I realise too late that he’s walking towards me. His footsteps are heavy and threatening. His outstretched hand comes at me first.

“Lost your fucking tongue?” he yells. His fingers grab my hair, pulling me back and forth. I squeeze my eyes shut and keep my teeth clenched. “You piss me off!” He pushes me backwards and he lets go of my hair, sending me falling to the floor. I jump back up quickly as not to be left in a vulnerable position. I feel anger boiling up inside me.

“I’m not ungrateful. There’s nothing to be grateful for!” I yell back. He reaches for my neck this time, but I slam his hand away. “I never wanted to dedicate my life to sport. I don’t want to turn out like you. I’m a real human being, unlike you, and I have my own interests. I don’t care what you want!”

“What?” I feel confused by how calm his voice comes out, and terrified at the same time. “What is it that you want?” he clarifies.

I hear myself swallow the lump in my throat before mumbling, “Art. I like art.”

I jump back as shards of glass scatter across the floor. Dad’s fist is bleeding after it breaks through the small glass table that once stood in the hallway to hold all the different car keys and spare house ones.

“Art?” he hisses to himself. “This is all your mother’s influence. Art? Don’t make me laugh!”

“It’s not mum’s fault! It’s my own fucking choice!” I shout. My cheeks burn from anger.

Then he laughs and that only makes me boil more. “What are you? You’re not _my_ son.”

“I couldn’t have hoped for anything better.” And with that I leave the house. I hear more crashing and yelling inside, but I keep walking my mum spots me first. The worried look that had been hiding somewhere in her expression vanishes as she sees me walking back towards the car. She runs out of the car and hugs me.

Tae is the second person who sees me. The pity collects in his eyes and drips down his cheeks.

I think I know what he’s thinking and it makes me want to cry.

**Reiji**

Everyone notices the way Tyler isn’t quite in the mood to continue celebrating his birthday even though he keeps his smile. His mum drives us to the train station from which we all get back home. Obviously, Bunny and I walk together, but Kiara insists on joining us even though that means she has to walk in circles.

“What do you think happened to Tyler?” she asks.

Bunny glares at her, “I don’t think that’s something for us to discuss.”

“I agree,” I say.

“Wow. You guys ganging up on me again?” Kiara rolls her eyes.

“Oh,” I nudge Bunny. “We probably shouldn’t push her; this girl can get pretty fierce.” Bunny nods and smiles at the remark.

“Hey~” Kiara whines.

I hear my phone’s ringtone and feel it buzz in my back pocket. I fish it out as Kiara scolds Bunny on taking my side rather than _his best friend’s_.

It’s my dad, but what surprises me is that it’s a call. My parents never call me; we’re a texting sort of family.

“Hello?” I say into the phone.

“Reiji,” he says. He sounds oddly out of breath. “I’ll get home as soon as I can. I know what happened. Don’t panic, stay calm.”

“Dad, you’re freaking me out,” I reply. Both Bunny and Kiara are giving me concerned looks now and that only makes me more nervous. “What happened?” and then it hits me. “Dad, is mum alright?”

“Reiji, where are you?” he sounds angry now.

“On my way home,” I reply.

“Rei, your mum was taken to the hospital. She fell off her – wheelchair as she – was taking the ramp up the stairs. She’s really hurt.”

“What?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. She can’t be in hospital . . . again.

“Rei, go home,” he says.

“No. I’m going to -” he cuts me off.

“Reiji. Stay home. She’s not conscious. It will only hurt more if you go. I’ll stay with her.”

“Dad, I can’t just -”

“No. I will not allow you to go to the hospital.” And with that he cuts the call off.

“Rei,” Bunny says cautiously. “What happened?”

I don’t say anything. I just run back home. I think I hear Bunny and Kiara running after me, but I keep increasing it. I bump into several people. They yell, but it’s as if I’m underwater. I can’t hear them. Time seems to be passing so slowly and yet I can’t remember where I’m going because it all passes by in flashes.

_What if mum can’t recover?_

I feel the tears.

_What if she dies?_

Then come the sobs.

_What if I never see her again?_

I slam the front door and crumple to the ground in a hopeless heap of sobs.

What makes me hurt even more is that I know that the people around me have or still are experiencing feelings or events that are much worse than mine. Mum might be alright, mum might still be alive, but my brain is convincing me that she’s not. I’ve been prepared for her to go ever since the last time she was taken to hospital after attempted suicide. Her car accident left the lower half of her body paralysed and she couldn’t deal with not being able to live the way she wanted.

_What if what happened today was not an accident?_

**Claude**

_She is lying in bed right in front of me, but it’s as if she’s in an entirely different world. The heart monitor hanging over her looks as if it’s constantly observing her but can’t do anything more than cling on to every heartbeat as a symbol of hope; just as I am. The beautiful, long blond hair that once fell around her shoulders is gone. Her eyebrows and eyelashes have thinned. Her lips are thin and chapped and a pale pink that looks almost dead._

_She’s almost dead._

_There’s nothing the doctors can do anymore._

_My small hand sits curled up in her bigger one. She’s getting colder by the second. There are still people moving around her, hoping there’s something they can do to help, the people who refuse to admit it’s useless._

_My caretakers and a few other care-home kids are standing behind me as some sort of support. Only, I wish they weren’t here. I want to cry in my sister’s arms, but the way they hug me and cry for me makes me feel like I have to pretend to be strong; I have to give them hope – hope I don’t have enough of to share._

_I hear her gasp for breath and look down, hooping. Just hoping._

_Her eyes open. Her eyelids look heavy._

_She squeezes my hand, but her hand shakes from the effort._

_“Claude,” she forces out._

_“Caro – Caroline,” I sob._

_“Hold on, little one.” She stops to breathe. “Your life will be great, I promise. Just don’t give up.”_

_I give up._

_I climb into her arms. I hug her tightly around her skinny waist. I can feel every bone pressing against me, but I hug her tighter. I let myself cry._

_The heart monitor stops beeping and only a faint buzzing sound remains._

_I cry harder. I cry until my throat is raw and I can hear myself gasping for more air. I feel like I’m suffocating._

_The thing that finally stops me from crying is a warm hand on my shoulder. That hand is accompanied by another, which both wrap around me into a warm hug. Caroline’s body is cold, but I refuse to let go._

I felt hands similar to that when I meet Jae.

The bullying was always a part of my life, but – a few weeks after my first day – one of the girls spilled her drink over my head calling me a _girl wannabe_.

Jae said something to her, but I was too embarrassed to pay any attention. Then he led me to the nurse’s office to get me cleaned up. When I felt like I was about to cry, he hugged me and the tears never came.

His arms felt warm and safe and I fell in love before I had time to realise.

He felt the same as Jason.

The way little Jason hugged me. He always suffered from poor health and he was placed in the hospital room near Caroline’s. After everyone left me to cry alone, he came into the room and hugged me.

Then five years later, I met him again when he was getting therapy at the same place I’d been. We had the same therapist (Mrs Collins) and she asked me to try and keep in contact with him through e-mails. She said he needed a friend. I knew what that felt like so I agreed. Jason didn’t recognise me and Mrs Collins thought it would be better to just give him the e-mail and not introduce up from privacy sake.

I felt safe with Jason.

I felt safe with Jae.

And Jae still wonders why I fell in love with him.

There was no way for me not to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning to add more to Tyler's birthday celebration, but I wasn't sure if it was something you guys would want to read. If you would, tell me, I'll add it in an extra chapter.
> 
> Also, I feel like crying. Did I over do it?  
> I know all of these events happening to the same friend group is very, very unlikely, but please don't base my story of reality. :) I'm just letting my mind run free.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I survived through my writer's block. God, I never thought it would be that hard to start writing again after the summer break. I know this is really late and I'm really sorry! This year started off with a really busy few weeks.
> 
> Anyway, I spent ages on this chapter, but I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. Sorry for any spelling errors, I'm not sure how awake I was in most cases. Hope you enjoy!!
> 
> UPDATED**

**Chapter 22 – Jason**

I can’t hear what they are saying.

Their mouths are moving.

Their fingers are all pointing at me.

But I can’t hear them.

I feel surrounded.

I feel like I’m suffocating.

Someone shoves their shoulder into my side as a stumble on someone else’s foot. A forceful hand connects with my back and I feel myself falling.

 

I hear them laugh.

*/*/*

I take several deep breaths as I try to calm myself down. The plain white walls that surround me aren’t helping. I feel like my brain is running away from me like everyone else already has and like I’m in a mental asylum. The nurse is rushing about, trying to find something to calm me down, albeit not doing a great job. I know there is someone else sitting beside me, I hear the uncontrollable tapping of the person’s feet on the other side of the room.

“Um,” a woman’s voice says as she stops in front of me. “Jason, right?” I don’t answer, I’m infamous with all the staff and the students. “I can offer you some painkiller for the headache –” I don’t have a fucking headache.  “- but there is nothing else I can do. If you feel worse, come to me or go to the front office and we’ll get someone to pick you up.” I hear the nurse shuffling her feet before she turns to the person on the other side of the room, “Bora, could you make sure that Jason gets to class safely?”

A quite hum comes from the girl, and a few seconds later the nurse leaves the office. Silence fills the room; apart from the faint sound of Bora swinging her feet. The noise is barely audible, but the fact that I can hear it drives me insane. I hear her movements cut through the air, I hear how – little by little – her chair is scraping against the floor, and how her nails are tapping against each other. Everything sounds so much louder than it actually is. I don’t understand why she doesn’t just break the silence? Why she doesn’t just walk off? The swinging just continues until I feel myself crack.

“Could you not,” I hiss, still not looking up at her.

“Hmm?” is the reply I get.

“Could you stop swinging your legs and just leave?” I say a little louder. This time I don’t hear a reply, as a matter of fact, I hear nothing. She doesn’t leave, though. Time keeps passing and the ticking of a distant clock grows louder. I feel myself getting more frustrated even though I don’t understand what this girl did to make me feel that way. “Look,” I allow my eyes to focus on the small form opposite me. “I don’t need help, just go!”

She shakes her head, messy black strands of hair falling into her face. “Mrs Richards said that I have to get you back to our class.” Her voice is surprisingly low, especially considering how tiny she looks, and there is a hint of a foreign accent in her words, though I’m not entirely sure where from.

I’m about to answer back, tell her to just leave, but I’m interrupted by a loud knock at the door. Neither of us replies, so the person just slides it open. I recognise the kid that shortly walks in. He’s just a few years younger than me and one of the very few black kids in the school, his tight brown curls of hair are cut close to his scalp, he’s still wearing the school’s P.E. uniform – and he’s also one of the temporary transfer students.

And then it hits me: Bora is also the new transfer student from Korea. No wonder they don’t look like they’re about to gag just by looking at me: no one’s told them yet.

Bora’s face lights up when the boy steps into the room. He turns to me with a smile and is about to ask something, but before he gets the chance to, I get up and leave.

If a person decides to talk to me after the know what happened, then it’s their choice, but they shouldn’t have to communicate with me without knowing how disgraceful my past is. And what hurts more is that it didn’t happen that long ago.

I’m still the same person.

 

“Wait!”

“Where is he going?”

I hear voices behind me, but I can’t make them out. I walk through the narrow hall. I want to get out.

“Wait!” I feel a small hand pull at my sleeve. I try to pull away, but the grip is stronger than I anticipated. I turn around to see Bora standing in front of me, but – up close – something about her seems strange. “I said wait,” she puffs out as she tries to catch her breath. “Why – are you running?”

I look beyond her, to see the amount of ground I have covered from the nurse’s office. I didn’t even realise. I try to pull my arm away from her again, but the grip feels even stronger.

“What are you doing? Let go!” I yell. I tear arm out of her grip, but only for her hands to cover my mouth.

“Quiet. There are lessons going on,” she shushes me.

“Just leave me alone,” I turn to leave.

“No,” she says and follows.

At this point, I don’t know what I’m feeling. On one hand, I really wish I’d never met her, but – on the other – I feel a little happy that she won’t ignore me like everyone else does. It pulls at a string somewhere inside me and I feel like crying. “Why?” is all I manage to ask.

“I know what it feels like to be judged and ostracised,” she says. I can’t help, but smile at the sweet way she speaks. “I don’t think you want to be alone. I can help.”

As much as I want her to help me, she doesn’t know how much everyone else will hate her if she gets closer to me. I’ll only end up hurting yet another person.

But I want her to help me.

But . . .

“I think it’s better if you didn’t.”

*/*/*

**To: Caroline9**

**From: J_Cross**

**Topic: Lost**

Okay. First of all, I want to set a challenge. At the end of each e-mail, we have to send a pick-up line. I don’t care if it’s gay or straight or anything in between, I just really want something light-hearted to brighten my dark life.

Second of all, my plans for Halloween worked! I didn’t exactly fix my life, but at least I got to see him and apologise. So, yeah.

Finally . . . Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes.

**To: J_Cross**

**From: Caroline9**

**Topic: RE: Lost**

No, but I have a fist and I can help you find your way into a hospital bed.

Honestly, I’m taking on the challenge, but you could have picked a less common pick-up line. That’s so basic, it’s cringey! Wait, what am I saying? All pick-up lines are cringey. Where’d the idea come from? Have you met someone you’re planning to use the pick-up lines on? If you see what I’m sayin’!

Congratulations on the Halloween plans. BTW, you still haven’t guessed my costume!! And don’t title your e-mails with such depressing names, I was honestly scared until I read the pick-up line.

 Also, I think my pick-up lines will win. You don’t want to know how many have been stored up in my head over the years.

Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you have a pretty sweet ass.

. . . and . . .

Do you work at Starbucks? Because I like you a latte!

(Ain’t I charming?)

**Reiji**

The wind is pulling at my clothes, occasionally finding its way to my bare skin making me shiver from head to toe. I’m sitting on the wooden fence surrounding the lake: the same lake I took Ben to. My fingers are digging into the hard wood as if they are trying to break through it. My trainers are covered in mud from walking here, when I try to scrape it off with the other trainer, it only smudges more.

Mum still isn’t home. Dad won’t let me see her. Aya hasn’t contacted me since I ran off with Ben. I haven’t seen Tyler or Tae, they have their own problems to deal with. I just feel like I’m left-over: just someone who wasn’t meant to exist or, at least, my existence doesn’t make much of a difference to anyone.

I feel my lips go dry from the cold. I bite down on my bottom lip and the taste of iron explodes in my mouth. I feel sick. I hate being useless, I hate being helpless.

I’m now both.

Arms reach around me to settle in a warm embrace around my chest.

I know it’s Bunny from his skinny, long fingers and the over-sized jumper he’s wearing. He doesn’t say anything, though. He’s way of comforting me. It’s as if he’s expecting me to cry away my pain, he doesn’t know that I’d rather just hide it.

“Hey,” I say.

“Shut up.”

I laugh at the reply, “What the hell? I thought you were supposed to be comforting me. What if I want to talk about my pain?”

“You know, as much as I love talking, I don’t think you’d end up talking about your pain. You can’t get over your pain until you admit that the pain is there. The only way you can do that is – no, not talking – but thinking.”

“When did you get so God-damn philosophical?” I smile. I feel his shoulders go up before dropping as he shrugs against my back. “And since when did you like talking?” I mumble.

His head raises to rest on my shoulder, our eyes meet and I feel a spark of electricity shoot down my spine at that moment. “You familiar with sarcasm by any chance?”

“Your form of comforting someone is really messed up,” I reply. I feel how his arms tighten around me before dropping at my sides. He kicks his legs over the fence and sits down next to me. His cold hands hold my wrist and pull my arm over his shoulders as he leans into my body. “Okay, who are you and what did you do with the real Benjamin Hughes?”

“Fuck you, Reiji Tanaka. I’m trying to be helpful.” I smile at the sentiment. “But, mainly, I’m just cold,” he adds.

I click my tongue the way he usually does. “And here I was, thinking that you loved me. How could you betray me like that, Bunny?” I plant my face into the crook of his neck, while pretending to cry.

“Ah! Shit! Get your cold face away from my neck! And don’t you dare call me ‘Bunny’ again if you value your life!” he yells as he tries to get away from me.

I feel all the bad feelings fade away into the back on my mind. I know they’ll come back, but right now I have better things to do than to face them.

**Tyler**

“What do you mean ‘break up’?” I hear myself saying over and over again. It doesn’t feel real, it’s more of a nightmare.

“I mean what I said,” Tae repeats. “I know that I’m causing nothing, but trouble for you and your family. Ty, you’ll easily find someone else, someone who your dad won’t abuse you for being with.”

“But you’re not the cause of that!” I cut in.

“I’m not the sole cause, but I know that you won’t have to suffer as much without me. I know your dad wants you to move to a different school and I know that Rei and I are the reasons you refuse. I know that I’m causing you problems because you don’t want our relationship to stay a secret, but you’re forced to keep it that way. Ty, stop doing this to yourself!”

Tae turned away from me to walk away and a sudden panic flooded over me. “Do you know how much worse everything will be without you?” I yell. I know I’m being too loud and he’s close enough to hear me even if I whisper, but I need to make sure I get through to him. “I don’t need anything, Tae. If you don’t want to be my boyfriend, I can’t force you, but I don’t want to leave you or Rei. You guys mean more to me than anyone or anything can. Please, don’t hurt me like that. I need you.”

Tae freezes, for a long time it’s silent. Until I hear sobs and Tae’s shoulders start to shake. I rush towards him, pulling him to myself and holding him close.

“Tae, please don’t cry. Please.”

“How can I not, you idiot. If you say something like that, how can I not cry?” he sobs. “I thought I was doing the right thing. Do you know how painful it was to suggest that just now? God, Tyler. I don’t want you to leave either, but I can’t watch you getting hurt.”

“He won’t hurt me,” I say. “I promise, I won’t let him. Not anymore. He won’t have that power over me.”

Tae pulls away from me and looks into my eyes. His are glazed over with tears, but he smiles. He pulls my hand up and wraps his pinkie around mine. “Promise?”

I smile back and chuckle a little, “Yeah, Tae, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will specify that Jason goes to a different school to everyone else and, as it turns out, his school doesn't have very long holidays. He's a really hard character to write from the perspective of too because the way he hears people is very . . . strange, but I shouldn't really complain. :)
> 
> Also, even though I wrote this, I'm so happy for Taeler and Benji (the ships) right now. And I'm a little mad at myself for introducing more new characters. I'll try to restrain myself.
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter!


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